Random musings

2006-10-21T02:02:00.000-07:00

While I sit to write this, I have been numbed, have just had goose flesh, have shed a few tears, have had mixed emotions gripping me. Well, this isn’t intended to be a music review of an album (no I am not adding this parallel career to my already burgeoning list of side kicks!) nor is it a gimmick to revive the vast readership (!) that my now-struggling-to-exist blog once enjoyed! I don’t know if I would be able to do justice to the lines that would follow, because as they say the best of emotions are also the toughest to cloak and articulate through the mere crutches of words! Anyway, no harm trying.

‘Madhirakshi’ is the album I am talking about here. The cover of the album tries to describe it both in words as well as pictorially through the imagery of red earth and pouring rain; the yearning for the ultimate union, the feeling of unrequited and unconsummated love, the dejection at being cheated, the bliss experienced when the dual merges to one wholesome entity.

I must admit here that I began listening to this with a certain degree of skepticism. Not being too impressed with the attempts that many of our classical musicians make at ‘fusion’ (most often resulting in a lot of ‘confusion’), I thought this was just another run of the mill album of the artists who were seeking a more mass appeal. But Sikkil Gurucharan, the vocalist in the album and a Carnatic vocalist on the threshold of glory in the world of the art form and Anil Srinivasan, an accomplished pianist proved me completely wrong. It also opened my eyes to the perils one faces due to the tendency to pre-judge a work of art! If you thought that Carnatic music was just about rhythm and complex tala patterns, a zillion percussion instruments beating their heads off in the tani phase to a crescendo of cacophony at times and the leading artist vigorously tapping his or her lap to demonstrate the talam--- think again! That the characteristically dynamic art form can also be beautifully transformed into a lilting melody, one that soothes your nerves and slows the gush of blood therein, one that stops you to ponder and introspect, one that does not just eulogize gods and goddesses of some distant unseen planet but one that people can relate to and empathize---Madhirakshi certainly brings these aspects out in an aesthetic manner.

Indian art forms- music, dance or literature have always been inspired by the core philosophies of Dualism and Non Dualism. The Advaita or the non-dualistic approach harps on the fact that the Supreme Consciousness that we might call as God or Brahman is both the material and instrumental cause of the Universe. This is of course extremely hard for the mind to visualize or grasp, since the mind engages constantly in making distinctions and rejecting or transcending them is onerous. All our visible and perceivable art forms begin with the concept of Dualism that the common man can associate with- God and the devotee variously personified as a master-slave or as two lovers pining for union. But the ultimate state of bliss still happens to be that of union, where differences cease to exist. When viewed through the mundane eyes that most of us usually have, it seems vulgar and a eulogy to sexual union. But on the metaphysical level, it transcends to something subtle and spiritual. Madhirakshi too starts off with this very idea of dual energies either pining for or ultimately becoming one vibrant single entity.

Coming back to the album itself---skeptic me put it on and decided to multi task with the plethora of jobs that I usually juggle with while listening to music. But presto! With the very first strain, I left all else and sat rapt. The sorrows of the past and not-so-happy-times that have gone by me are things that I usually keep under wraps and camouflage with a pretence of cheerfulness and almost always succeed in convincing the person with me about my wonderful state of mind. But then these are like a heap of clothes stacked into an old cupboard, locked up and the key tossed through the window! But then Ragas like Jhonpuri and Subhapantuvarali, among many others, and lyrics like the ones used in this album, do me great disservice by acting as that very key that I threw away; open the cupboard and cascades the heap out. That is exactly what happened with me while listening to the opening piece ‘Asai Mugam’ in Jhonpuri; a composition of the celebrated Bharatiar. Quite involuntarily I felt the hair on my hands standing at their ends and the eyes turning moist. It was cathartic.

Being in chaste and literary Tamil—a language which happens to be my mother tongue but strangely discomforting--- it was a bit difficult to catch the word-to-word meaning of every lyric. The gist and summary of course did come across. But what the heck! True and good music is one that moves you beyond reason and certainly beyond the boundaries of words and lyrics. Like the barriers of caste and religions are totally man-made and artificial, so too, in the realm of music the boundaries and prejudices that have been created by stratification and classification into styles like Hindustani, Carnatic or Western is our problem, not music’s. For an artist a work of art is an expression of one’s experience, a universal language of deep human emotions. Art is a great unifier and a real artist is above all false divisions among humans, because a good work of art is appreciated everywhere , as human experiences are fundamentally the same- people weep everywhere, smile everywhere, love everywhere! These unsophisticated expressions of one’s inner being have a universality about them. Hence the coming together of rigid and orthodox Carnatic music and its western cousin seemed to signify this very worship of Nada Brahma or the Ultimate Sound- one that has broken these false and ridiculous barriers. That in itself is another example of Non-Dualism that we were talking about earlier!

From the poignancy of losing the memory of something that you love so dearly and cherish, in Jhonpuri, the journey slowly meanders to explore other emotions. In a direct contrast to the first piece, the one in Latangi craves for a carry over of experiences and memories of one birth to the next- a kind of seamless transition that ultimately frees one from the bondage of life and death (again a pet theme of the Advaita philosophers!) If Brindavana Saranga lilts you to the state of triumph achieved through the attainment of this union, the piece in Nadanamakriya expresses complete hopelessness and helplessness at being cheated into belief and then left in the lurch to berate at one’s destiny and loneliness. What can be more poignant than having the object of your utmost desire right in front of you, but not being able to attain it? But yes, a lullaby in between soothes the sorrowful nerves—as if trying to console you saying its ok, there is always another chance! All through, the piano acts as a soul mate, a patient listener who is never too jarring, never too judgmental or nosey. It almost feels that the “Thozi” or friend that the voice seems to seek for and pour her sorrow to, seems to be these quiet strains that gently cajole, console and caress the damsel in distress.

While I write all this, for a minute I stop to think am I biased? Does the fact that the vocalist of this album- Gurucharan- happens to be a very dear and loveable friend of mine have anything to do with all that I felt and wrote? That Charan is someone who quickly and unwittingly galloped from being a complete stranger to a nice acquaintance to somebody with whom I have shared more than what my laconic and reticent self generally lets me to with people i have known for only that long a time as him and whom I aptly name as a diurnal addiction these days----all remain where they are. But it’s the power of the melody that has been created that overpowers more than the personal affection or camaraderie I share with this amazing young man that makes me melt each time I hear the album!

I started off saying I didn’t know what to write and ended up writing so much that I scroll back in utter disbelief! May be that’s the power of music- one that stirs you from within and forces you to articulate the deepest of emotions in a manner you thought you couldn’t.

A “must-listen” for all true lovers of music with a heart that beats and a mind that feels!

2006-05-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

The recent inactivity on my blog seems to have worried one entity in this world greatly. And that’s none other than the Government of India! How else could I justify the excesses they have been committing through the past few weeks and thereby stroking my hitherto dead creative juices that get powered by anger and resentment! Hardly had people in this part of the world got out of the shock of the quota and its aftermath, there came yet another proof of the shortsightedness of the goofs who claim to rule us. But for them, I would be in one of the multiplexes today to watch the first day release of the ‘Da Vinci Code’! But presto! Our erudite I&B Minister and his loonies planned a Machiavellian move to scuttle the release of a movie that has seen the light of day in proclaimed Christian countries of the world! But then we live in a secular nation, don’t we? Somehow I seem to forget that essential nature of our polity!

Secularism for a vast majority in this country means majority bashing and minority appeasement. Well, before I get branded as a member of a certain reviled Parivar of Indian politics, I must emphasize that I hold the scantest of regard for their ilk as they do more harm than good to the cause of those they claim to represent. But that notwithstanding, the fact remains and is borne out by repeated acts of omission on the part of the ‘secular’ brigade of India. From when did the I&B Ministry decide that it was an expert in either theology or in filmmaking? Since when did they consider a ‘re-look’ on films that are cleared by the Censor Board of India? And why have a Board if you don’t trust its judgments? Preposterous claims were made by the man who initiated this whole juggernaut when he said it was because 200 Catholic Organizations had appealed to him to ban the movie. Well, does he or his Government, which takes people’s opinions so seriously then sit up and roll back the quota proposal as lakhs of students are appealing for the same? If this is not vote-bank politics, if this is not appeasement what is?

With due respect to the followers of these faiths, I must state here that India today has a harmonious and secular existence only because the majority of its people are Hindus- people who understand that there is no ONE path to the Truth, people who have eternally believed in the principle of co-existence with views opposed to one’s own, that they might differ with another’s opinion but defend till their death the other person’s right to dissent and most importantly people who can introspect on the evils within their societies and even poke fun on themselves and their gods. Time and time again in the past reformers have challenged the traditional and orthodox ways of life and to that effect Hinduism has been a growing and evolving religion. It speaks volumes of the inherent strength of the faith that has stood 1000 and more years of onslaught, first of the Islamic invaders and then the wily British and their insidious Missionaries. But here you have a group that feels a simple, stupid movie can shake their faith? Just sometime back in the past we had another virulent group whose faith was offended by cartoons! And these are the very groups that claim that the country is going down the communal warpath? Strange, isn’t it? Films in the past have been as derogatory to Hinduism, its gods and goddesses or social customs. If a Deepa Mehta makes snide remarks on lesbianism in Hindu families or the plight of widows in Varanasi she is being creative; if an M. F. Hussain paints Saraswati or Bharat Mata clad in air, then he is being a visionary of a painter; but if a Ron Howard directs a work of fiction that claims Jesus was a normal heterosexual male or a Danish cartoonist exercises his creative rights, then all hell breaks loose! And who supports these endeavours- the secular brigade led by this irrational government and of course the Page 3 kind of intellectual celebrities. Where have the Javed Akhtars, Shabana Azmis, Mahesh Bhatts (who has an opinion on and a solution for everything from Kashmir to stopping riots to defining pornography to how to correct an erectile dysfunction!!!) and the rest of the ‘secular’ thinktank disappeared; they are usually well-rehearsed when they have to fight Hindu fundamentalism, aren’t they?

Secularism and harmonious co-existence is essentially of the give and take nature. One would be naïve to assume that there would be no backlash in the face of such blatant partiality. Catholic priests thundered on television screens that the film would sway people who could not read and write and hence not be able to read the disclaimer! Well, that exposes two truths. One, it’s a tacit admission on the part of the Indian Church that these are the very target groups that they have been working on for generations- people who cant read and write and hence can be lured by goodies or by irrational acts of miracles by Benny Hinns and his counterparts in India. The second truth is of course the pig-headedness of these folks- it rather amused me to think that people who cant read and write would actually consider going to an English movie in the first place! Aren’t we stretching the arguments and our hyper sensitive sensitivities a bit too much? Do we care a damn for the fundamental rights of others? If the same movie can be screened all over the Christian world, if Dargahs and mosques in avowed Muslim countries like Saudi Arabia can be demolished for such mundane acts as road-widening, why is it then that in a so-called secular country like ours films like these get banned or riots get sparked in Vadodara? Why are people in India denied the right to read books like ‘Satanic Verses’ or ‘Lajja’ just because the Government of the day feels it might offend the sensitivities of people who cant read and write? But spoofs on the Mahabharata, anything that can buttress the claim that Lord Ram actually walked this land and ruled Ayodhya, any portrayal of Ancient India as a land of sex maniacs who wrote the Kama Sutra and engraved nude figurines on temples, any video footage to show that Hindu places of pilgrimage are havens of illicit activities, naked Sadhus, ganja& marijuana, any denial of the veracity of the Epics even while places mentioned there are all around us---all such activities will be welcomed with a warm, broadminded and the most secular bear hug! How long would this go on?

As much as I want my blog to be alive and kicking, I would pray that atleast the Government of India gives me no more chance to add posts to vent my anger. I’d rather have a dead blog than one inspired by their wondrous acts of foolishness and blatant injustice!

2006-05-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

It was when I actually forgot the password of my blog while attempting to log in that I realized how badly I’ve been ignoring my little corner on the web. Blame it on work, blame it on a few other urgent commitments that had to see the light of day, blame it on a complete lack of ideas and the creative juices, or plain and simple laziness! It was all the time quite heartening to get messages from supposed ‘ardent’ readers of the clap trap I churn out (wonder if the species ever existed or if they did at some point in time and space, whether they still inhabit the planet!) to give up this colossal inertia and write…but write what? Something, anything…but atleast I for one, cant write till the fire within rages strong enough to spill over onto pages. My earlier stint with poetry died a sudden and unnatural death, simply because there was no more inspiration. I feared a repeat of history here. But not until newspapers and television channels beam images and stories of the return of the phantom in this country’s political and social history.

It is with a sense of deja-vu that I see these images of thousands of young boys and girls, braving the heat and leading protests across the country crying down something that they see as downright injustice. It was with horror that I watched as a kid then, newsflashes of youth setting themselves on fire when the first Mandal Commission Report was tabled and adopted, way back in the late 1980’s. As a kid then, insecurities did surface in my mind as well, about where the future would lead me, as worried parents, grandparents, friends and families discussed the paucity of good education opportunities for our ilk in the days to come as we didn’t belong to the favored section of the political class. Almost two decades have since passed and with credit given to all who need to be given their due, I am done with the business of educating myself. And in retrospect the fears were misplaced as the sojourn has always been in some of the premiere institutions of this land despite my “upper caste”. I must agree when I say that it’s a tinge of indifference now…the feeling that I am-done-with-it-and-it’ll-be-a-while-before-my-offsprings-bear-this brunt. And each time this feeling crosses my mind, I feel terribly ashamed of myself and the unbridled selfishness that drives this thought!

The India that I saw as a kid and the one that I now live in seem poles apart. The country surges ahead in many sectors and areas and is on the verge of becoming a global super power. For the youth of today’s India, modern thoughts and information are just a click away. And in the midst of all this, we have a huge spanner thrown in from an irrelevant relic of the past, who has perhaps had nothing to do with the whole concept of education; or worse still, feels as snug and selfish as I do at times, since most probably all his children (and even grandchildren may be) have already acquired plush degrees from universities abroad! The tragedy of India is that for every right step ahead that its citizens take, its so-called leaders and politicians take four backward. Whether it’s the feud between the “humble farmer” and the “IT-czar” or the current face-off between the Government and the medicos, India is a glorious land ruled by the worst bunch of buffoons that mankind could ever produce. The State that sits pretty when terrorists blow up places after places, in fact even has the audacity to let a foreign minister accompany a most vicious criminal to secure the release of hijacked passengers---the same State (irrespective of the political affiliations) comes down brutally on harmless, peace-loving citizens who are only but exercising their fundamental right to dissent. The brutal lathicharge on students in Mumbai, the barbarism perpetrated on the workers in Gurgaon last year---all bear testimony to this lopsided priority of the State.

But leaving specifics aside, the fact remains that a large section of this country are still terribly deprived and oppressed. Within kilometers of the Stock Exchange where the rich and famous of the country gamble their fortunes, we have horrific reports of starvation deaths of tiny infants. Elsewhere we have the very people who grow us our crops- farmers- committing suicide. The Government would argue that it is their bounden duty to ensure that these folks get a level playing field and no better way to do that than providing education. Agreed; I am sure no one with a sane mind would have another opinion on this. But the point is are quotas the way ahead. If 59 years of reservation have yielded no results, if the quota seats continue to remain unfilled, if the lot of the people whom it is intended to serve remains as bad or worse than it was before the introduction, if it is so easy in a country like ours where corruption is ubiquitous and it costs a little something to get a false caste certificate, if the fruits are reaped by the creamy layers of the backward castes---isn’t it then time to sit back, reflect, introspect and think of better means to achieve the same end? Only a fool would invest in a loss-making firm.

But no, it isn’t a loss-making firm atleast as far as our horrid political class is concerned. Their vote banks run on this fuel and having learnt the art of dividing and ruling from our erstwhile colonial masters, these old hags wouldn’t give up! It is rather ironical to note that the very grand-father-in-law of our illustrious super Prime Minister Sonia Gandhi, Pt Nehru, had this to say on Reservation in a letter that he wrote on the 27th of June 1961 to the Chief Ministers of that time:, "I dislike any kind of reservation. If we go in for reservations on communal and caste basis, we will swamp the bright and able people and remain second rate or third rate." This way, he added, "Lies not only folly, but also disaster." The very cartoons who swear by the “Dynasty” of Indian politics conveniently gloss over the observations of the very founder of the Dynasty! Sadly therefore we have not one soul from across the political spectrum- left, right and center –standing up and calling the insane and senile Minister’s bluff! How many of these very politicians opposed virulently the move to reserve seats for women in Parliament, as they feared a loss of their own jobs and money-making endeavors! But when it comes to the future of the youth being jeopardized not one hag cares! Not one understands that if the State is really serious about uplifting the conditions of the genuinely depressed classes, what is needed is level-playing field at the school level. Villages and even cities in India have horribly run Government schools with the least or totally deficient infrastructure. Providing good and quality education, preferably in English, at this level is the only answer to make these classes competitive at a postgraduate level. Providing crutches at that stage of one’s academic life is suicidal; after all we are talking here of life-saving doctors and which of us would want to go under an unskilled surgeon’s knife? And if the surgeon is already skilled, why at all would he need a quota?

But turning my whole argument on its head, like he does most often is Uncle Krishnamurthy, my Marxist family friend, with whom I’ve had more ideological debates than friendly banter. He asked me with a rather straight face in the middle of a heated debate we were having on this issue- “ When was there merit in the professional courses? What right do these medicos have to protest now? How many of them protested when medical and engineering seats were out on sale in the ‘payment’ category? Isn’t that another form of quota? There you are okay with it as it’s the quota of the rich (in Marxist parlance-capitalistic!) sections of society?” And for once, it did seem that the characteristically irrational Marxist had made a very valid point. If merit and merit alone is the deciding factor why at all did the concept of capitation fee come about? For once, I was stumped and this being the season of Left victory in the country, I conceded defeat!

But scoring brownie points apart, the time has come for what people call as ‘Affirmative action’- a proactive, timely and well calibrated and measurable mechanism to be put in to address the issue from the root- Primary education. Destroying centers of excellence is certainly not the answer. Speaker after speaker chides the IIT’s, IIM’s and the likes as centers for the “elite”. My counter point is what is wrong in being elite? And Elite here is not socially elite, but academically elite. Higher education has, after all, been the reserve of a few, and that is how it is across the globe. After all how many engineers and doctors do we need? Everyone in this country cannot possibly become one? Why should we get into the socialistic and Nehruvian mould of feeling ashamed of success, of people making their fair bucks through their hard work and toil? A sizeable chunk of my fellow students in BITS-Pilani came from Andhra Pradesh and mostly from the most backward areas of the State. For many of them it was their first brush with English, or for that matter even Hindi and North India. Most often they were the butt of the jokes of many of us “elitist” convent-educated snobs from Urban India. But today they are having the last laugh as they are placed on par or perhaps even better than many of us in life! And mind you, not one came in through the quota way! So why cant we just learn to trust and respect the intellect and capabilities of our not-so-fortunate brethren and not make them feel eternally inferior for having taken the short route to success!?

Sadly, as the protests continue, as students get caned, as the indifferent and pig-headed administration sits smug in colonial fashion, countless patients suffer for want of care and attention in the hospitals. The plastic smiles and incompetence of Manmohan Singh or the eternal 'V' symbol that Sonia Gandhi flashes can bring no succor and relief to them! With zero-political support to the strike coming in, in all likelihood these young boys and girls would have their hopes shattered and may be, many of them would hate their country for discriminating against them on the basis of their birth and simply choose to fly off elsewhere. May be “Brain-drain” would continue to remain a hot essay topic for High school examinations as it did it my times! But with all this, like most of my fellow Indians, who are known to have a never-say-die attitude in the face of all the adversities, all the corruption, all the lack of effective governance, all I can sign off with is “ Hum honge Kaamyab Ek din”!

2006-01-28T05:58:00.000-08:00

Life has changed- in some ways for the better and in some ways not- for me and I would blame my long inactivity in this corner of the world on precisely this. Bid an adieu to Northern India, to my erstwhile company, to the numerous people who had come to occupy an important place in my life in such a short span and got back to where my heart was- Bangalore! The idea is yet to sink in that I have ACTUALLY landed here for good and don’t have to take yet another flight to somewhere else. It also gives me a great opportunity to pursue things and interests that are close to my heart. Well that was the ‘good’ part about which I spoke in the opening line. The flipside of the coin is that when you finally get back to your family and people after being away for so long it takes a while for both to adjust to the other’s permanent presence! It might be a mean thing to say about one’s own people. But then the feeling gets accentuated when, after being able to see you day in and day out, your people suddenly start worrying about the summers and winters that you have been spending all by yourself and resort to the usual pressures to find yourself a worthy companion to do the same! And when this contradicts your philosophy of life or the course you want to chart for it, then starts the bickering and heartburn! But then would just give it a passé as the typical ‘teething problems’ associated with all new ventures!

Being in a new company amidst new colleagues necessitates you to discover the wheel of socialization all over again! And what better way to do it than go on a team outing to a movie! And so a whole load of us landed at the Inox Multiplex to watch the new flick of the season- Rang De Basanti. To say that it disturbed me terribly would be an understatement. It in fact touched the raw nerve despite my complete disagreement with the weak storyline and the course the protagonists charted for themselves in this movie. I feel a lot more can be achieved by being ‘alive’ than surrendering yourselves to the jaws of death; but that’s nother philosophy altogether.

For quite some time now there has been this huge burning desire within me to do “something” for the country I live in. But then doesn’t that sound so very hackneyed and clichéd? Its tough to quantify this ‘something’ and opens a whole lot of questions within you. Am I and the many others like me who work for multi national companies to feel bad and guilty about the fact that we have white skinned bosses and we talk of business incomes of companies headquartered in New York and London? Or are we still better off than many of our counterparts who have flown away to the greener pastures of the west? Is just staying in India, being a moderately good and law abiding citizen who pays his taxes on time enough? Or is there something else that we should do? Or do we at all need to do something; are things that bad that they require some kind of mass revolution? If we have to do ‘something’ then what is it, where do we begin and how do we go about it? Is a foray into the murky world of politics or civil services the only way to make a difference or could that function co-exist with my diurnal evaluations of profitability scenarios for my US-based bank?

It would be naïve to assume that a vast majority of youth of my country do not feel similarly. If the results of a recent poll on the state of the nation conducted by a TV channel is anything to go by, it is almost startling to realize that today’s Indian youth are returning to values and ideals that their previous generation had given to the winds. Still, like the protagonists of the movie, a lot of them are lost in the maze. The pressures of academic life, the stress involved at work place, of family--- makes them numb to the harsh realities outside their air-conditioned cubicles. When targets and deadlines stare you in the eye day after day, the country or its state becomes secondary. In a meeting at Janaagraha that I have decided to join and give some of my time, the inspiring founder Ramesh Ramanathan put a valid point. He said that if all Bangaloreans gave in just 1% of their waking time, which was about 2-3 hours a week for their city, we could build the city of our dreams. With such a large youth force that this country has, would this be asking for too much? Amidst all the parties and bars and discotheques that we attend, is asking for this 1% too much? If it is, then none of us even have this right to crib about the lack of facilities and amenities. We need to be the change that we want to see! Practical Patriotism is what he calls it!

To a large extent our education system also contributes to our apathy. In fact the British laid the foundations of our education system on this very premise. Even a casual reading of the writings of the educationists of the time would bear this point out. Max Muller the famous philosopher says this in one of his writings-

“It is true there are millions of children, women and men in India who fall down before the stone image of Vishnu, with his four arms, riding on a creature half bird, half man, or sleeping on the serpent, worship Siva, a monster with three eyes, riding naked on a bull, with a necklace of skulls for his ornament. There are human beings who still believe in a god of war, Karthikeya, with six faces, riding on a peacock, and holding bow and arrow in his hands: and who invoke a god of success Ganesha, with four hands and an elephant’s head sitting on a rat! Nay, it is true that, in the broad daylight of the nineteenth century the figure of goddess Kali is carried through the streets of her own city, Calcutta, her wild disheveled hair reaching to her feet, with a necklace of human heads, her tongue protruded from her mouth, her girdle stained with blood. All this is true : but ask any Hindu who can read and write and think, whether these are the gods he believes in and he will smile at your credulity.

Charles Trevelyan , a civil servant writes in ‘ On the Education of the People of India-
“The Grammar and spelling books suffice to destroy the Hindu religion…It is so destitute of anything like evidence, and is identified with so many gross immoralities and absurdities that it gives way at once before the light of the European science…. it is sufficient to prove that the world does not rest on the back of a tortoise, or it is not composed of concentric circles of wine and cake and milk, and so forth, and their religion is gone!!…A generation is growing up which repudiates idols. A young Hindu, who has received liberal English education, was forced by his family to attend the shrine of Kali upon which he took off his cap to ‘Madam Kali’ made her a light bow, and hoped ‘her ladyship was well’!!! ….” As Macaulay, the father of our education system puts it- “ Every young Brahmin…..who learns Geography in our colleges learns to smile at the Hindu mythology!…”

The point I make here is that by continuing on very much the same lines of these Indologist educationists, we have successfully built generations of Indians who have been displaced from an understanding of their own land, their own culture and values. Quiz shows on TV show bright young boys and girls who know everything about everyone in some distant land but fail to identify national icons like a Pt Shiv Kumar Sharma in the Audio-Visual rounds. When a group of people are blissfully unaware of what they inherit, how would their heart beat in remorse to see the same cherished ideals being trampled and where then would the fire arise to set things right? If, right from school days, we are being groomed into being the slaves of the same imperialist nations that we grow up to work for, how different would the outcome be?

Amidst all this I read about a group of IIT students who have embarked on a mission to cleanse politics and start an outfit of their own. In typical Indian pessimism, Ma reacted to my enthusiastic narration of this tale as “ What fools they are, don’t they know nothing will change in this country? Either you have to quit in a huff or the system changes you. Everyone enters with good intentions, but down the line something mutates. What use was the IIT degree if this is what its being put to use”! I don’t know if the degrees we earned (or bought) from our Universities are just to fatten our purses. Of course you need money for a living, but how much is enough? And why cant an engineer or an MBA put these skills to public service? Is coding and selling toothpastes all that intelligent people do? At the end of the journey of life, wouldn’t we want to look back with a sense of achievement of having touched and transformed a few lives?

The questions continue on an incessant trail…wish I had someone giving me the answers or at least showing me a path where I could find them myself!

2005-10-30T01:25:00.000-08:00

Stuck in the middle of waist deep water on Bannerghatta road, with the imposing offices of the likes of Oracle, Accenture onlooking the deluge outside, it certainly wasn’t the best of holidays I had hoped for myself after being away from Bangalore for a long time. The city had witnessed its most fierce bout of rains in 60 years. Water logged roads and overflowing drains were a concept alien to us Bangaloreans; we in fact prided in poking fun at neighbouring Chennai which faces such hardships almost every year with even a tinkle of a downpour. The city has been in the news for all the wrong reasons- infrastructure woes, the ongoing battle of words between the ‘humble farmer’ and the IT honcho ( to be fair to the latter, its more of a hysteric monologue initiated by the ‘son of the soil’!), the industry’s clarion call to boycott the annual IT conclave of the state government organized with a view to increase investment and then as an icing on the cake, the rains and the unprecedented floods all over the city. The driver of the auto I was traveling in (rather inching in) said rather ruely- “ They have ruined our city sir, these IT companies. They are flying birds, come here today, go out the next. But their actions and inactions have ruined our city for good. Its all over, destroyed.”

While I might not fully share this poor man’s pessimism, I must concede that this is the popular sentiment of a majority of Bangaloreans- the traditional ones who’ve settled here for generations and have seen the city grow and now decay. Bangalore with the nippiness in its air and salubrious climate was hailed as a pensioners’ paradise till the early 1980’s. while the weather did impart a slightly laidback attitude to its people it was also a melting pot of culture, of intellectuals, of scientists, artists and thinkers who made it its home. Famous as the City of Gardens, this city of boiled grains ( that was what its founder the Yelahanka dynasty ruler Kempegowda named it after) was a city of vibrant minds, of people known for their softspokenness and hospitality.

And then IT happened! To all those who think the climate was the only reason for industry’s choice of Bangalore, I would say why did they not set shop in Ooty, Shimla or some other hill station? Bangalore had many other pluses to its advantage. Under the erstwhile ruler of Mysore and its illustrious Dewans like Sir M Vishweshwaraih and Sir Mirza Ismail, the city had attained a high degree of industrial growth by the time of independence. Mysore state became one of India’s first states to have a democratic system of local governance. It was also the intellectual capital of India with research centers like IISc and later on IIM and the largest number of engineering colleges in India. Bangalore was also high on the strategic map of India’s defence with HAL, BHEL and similar companies housing their operations here. With such a large pool of talent and advantages, the nascent Indian IT industry- which is more of a knowledge based one, naturally chose Bangalore as its starting point. The initial pioneers of the IT growth in India- Narayan Murthy and Azim Premji being Bangaloreans themselves only helped the city that much more. And with all fairness to our most loved whipping boy- the Government-the Karnataka Governments of the past have given sops to the IT industry that no other state in India have- the 10 year tax holiday being just one of them.

With spiraling growth, rapid influx of talented young men and women, new start up companies of ambitious entrepreneurs rearing to fly in the vast skies that the IT success story offered, the industry gave India a new identity, a new respect in the international community of the kinds that China hitherto had in manufacturing. And Bangalore was the fulcrum of this entire growth story, though the IT bug has slowly bitten other states, AP being the most notable. The IT and ITES sector generated $5.7 bn in exports in 2002 and this figure jumped to $17 billion in 2004-05 with an annual growth rate of about 34%. And the leader of the software exports of India was Bangalore, which accounted for more than 40% of the pie.

Bangalore obviously became the favored destination of people- especially the youth who flooded the city in search of good employment opportunities. The city welcomed them all with open arms and assimilated them in the cultural melting pot that it was. More success stories meant more people getting in and slowly there was the specter of unbridled influx. The city wasn’t expecting growth of this magnitude. It managed to subsume the neighboring rural areas and grow into the “Greater Bangalore” that it is today. Still, for a city that called itself pensioners’ paradise to Asia’s fastest growing city- the journey had been long and too fast to grapple with. Till it landed in the cesspool that it is in today!

Its all too easy to lay the blame on the government for its lack of political farsightedness. I mean, the bulk of the blame does lie on its doorstep, as being policy makers its their damn business to plan for the city. But then all of us are to blame for this sad state of affairs in what was India’s indigenous success story and a showcase to the world as a city of the future. The IT firms are equally to blame. With a mere 10 lakh odd vehicles in the early 1990’s to over 2 million today and with an estimated 12 lakh vehicles added every year, which city of the world can cope with such monstrous growth? Add to it the appalling public transport and the increased standard of living of people and the ease with which retail banks offer car and two wheeler loans today, no wonder the city’s roads are clogged with vehicles and smoke. Gone are the times when we barely needed a fan even in the peak of summer. Gone are the canopied boulevards and gardens that dotted the streets- road widening and fly overs have eaten into the very lung of the city.

But what alarms and irritated me more than anything else, is this orchestrated cry from all over the country of ‘Bangalore crumbling’. The media has scripted an obituary much before the patient has slipped into the proverbial coma! Pray which city in India has world-class infrastructure? Having lived in most of the large cities myself, I know that the situation is as good or as bad there as it is in Bangalore. The July rains ruined the image of Mumbai as India’s Shanghai. Did the finance industry decide to leave Bombay for good following that? Mumbai has worse roads (rather potholes) and it takes a helluva effort to ride through the suburbs. The city is choked with its burgeoning slums and uncollected garbage heaps. Gurgaon, where I live these days, and which is touted as a challenge to Bangalore has woefully bad roads too, a drizzle is enough to choke the roads and cause traffic jams. The place has NO public transport whatsoever! Chennai has its own set of problems. No drains, no water, inhuman weather, issues of language and so on. I’am not undermining other cities of India to make a case for Bangalore. What I am trying to say is lack of foresight when it comes to urban planning and governance is a pan-Indian syndrome and Bangalore suffers from the same. Don’t we realize that by deriding and writing off a city that has made the country proud, that has made the world sit up and catch attention of India, which hitherto was never on any body’s priority when it came to industry- we are digging our own grave?

What then is the road ahead? Will we sit blaming each other and let things go worse each passing day or think constructively for a change? There are organizations in Bangalore like ‘Janaagraha’ where I had the privilege of interning for a short while which strikes at the root of these problems. The key is in ‘Participatory democracy’ where citizens ‘elect and engage’ rather than ‘elect and forget and then blame’. Janaagraha’s vision for Bangalore is simplistic, yet effective and logical where the city is broken down into 100 wards and each ward plans for itself. All this in active consultation of and coordination with the local self government bodies who would be the ultimate drivers of these ideas, in a non-confrontationist atmosphere. Cant educated citizens, software professionals, young minds put on their thinking caps and come up with viable solutions to the problems that face their city? The bottlenecks of infrastructure that need our immediate attention are roads, traffic, drainages, garbage disposal (when it comes to power and water supply Bangalore ranks well among India’s cities). Cant IT companies discourage people from using their personal vehicles to office and instead insist that all of them should use a company bus which could ferry them in and out every day? After all these companies which draw so much from the city have some responsibility towards it and need to give back! On its part cant the slumbering government wake up and create a clearly demarcated IT locality- like the ones in Electronic City and Whitefield, which also house huge residential complexes so that the employees working here need not criss cross across the length and breadth of the city for work? Creating self sufficient communities of this kind all along the periphery of the city would decongest the main city to a large extent. Mindless flyovers built over a few meters serve no purpose. Instead comprehensive plans need to be made for building arterial roads, widening and repairing the existing ones- more of the kinds of the numerous ring roads that are a pleasure to drive on.

Equally important in this mad rush is also a holistic development of the city, its cultural hubs and centers. In the recent past the animosity between local Kannada groups and the ‘outsiders’ had reached quite a crescendo, leading to the ban of non Kannada films. Such things don’t augur well for a forward looking city. A sense of mutual respect, a sense of oneness and respect for the local language, customs and traditions on the part of people who inundate the place day in and out is quintessential. More platforms need to be made for the sprouting of the arts- dance, music, theater, literature; even as we proudly host the Elton Johns and Bryan Adams of the world. Its all nice to be called the Pub capital of India, but at the same time one mustn’t lose sight of the quintessential ethos of Bangalore which, unlike Goa is not in booze and wine! Bangalore represents a wonderful picture of how opposites can co-exist and in harmony and this needs to be nurtured for posterity.

So for once, why cant we junk our characteristic cynicism of ‘nothing can happen in this country’; why not junk the senseless ‘sons of the soil’ who have absolutely no vision and whose diatribes border more on the comic and come up with practical solutions to this problem of plenty. The government is also, after all run by human beings, not demigods or magicians. Its all too easy to say ‘ the government must do something about it’ but then when we actually sit down to think about quantifying that ‘something’ and how to go about it, we realize that it aint an easy task. At this point of time, it really doesn’t matter if a few companies get frustrated and leave Bangalore… ‘cos wherever else they go, be it a Hyderabad or Pune or Noida and Gurgaon- the issues that Bangalore face today will come to haunt them as well some day in the future; because town planning has never been an Indian virtue! We bask in temporal successes and forget larger issues! So it would actually be foolish for companies to leave a place which has given them such a head start and reinvent the wheel in a new location. Instead why not fix the bruised wheel before it gives way?

While I think of all this, my auto has managed to inch a bit ahead splashing the puddles of water all over, with people on their road-rage best, honking, abusing, trying to cut lanes and speed ahead. I can barely conceal my smile when, after being out of this mega jam of over 70 minutes, my pessimistic auto driver shakes his head in dismay again and says – No hope for this city sir, no hope!

2005-10-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

Continuing with my present state of disillusionment (refer previous post for details), this one comes along as a sequel. The issue of ‘faith’ has always puzzled me beyond question. It could be something as obscure as the faith that many of my female colleagues in office have of fasting today to ensure a long life for their husbands (ok lets not get feministic by arguing why can’t men keep a similar fast on the lines of karva chauth or is it that they don’t want their wives to live long enough!) or the trend these days of falling a prey to the million faith-peddlers who hold sway on the unsuspecting millions. Without getting into names or individuals, it is no secret that ‘spirituality’ of the 21st century is a big booming business. They are run like corporate houses, they have precise market segments and market research to target their most vulnerable ‘customers’, they have super size marketing and publicity blitz, they flood TV channels ( for those who haven’t been caught napping surfing these faith-peddler channels like astha, sanskar, God and ones on quran and Arabic faiths- its almost as big a business as ekta kapoor’s daily soap opera tortures!!!), have modern-age gurus and matas cris-crossing the world with a frequency that would put business honchos to shame. And this phenomenon is not religion or country specific. It has assumed menacingly huge proportions on a global scale. For all those baiters of Indian jet-age gurus, we had a huge conclave of an evangelist in Bangalore last year ( of course amidst protest from our loony Parivar brethren) , who claimed to touch people and cure them of their sickness- all in an atmosphere of intense , artificial and generated mass hysteria!

We all agree that the man ( and woman of course!) of our times is much more literate, much more scientifically inclined, rational and all that is good with the neurons. Isn’t it intriguing then that such people still resort to the likes of touch-and-cure healers? I mean, biology and medical sciences could go on a vacation for all they care?

But then to be fair to the ‘best practices’ that our corporate gurus employ, its no longer mumbo jumbo that would’ve charmed your grandmother or her mother that these chaps use…we have gurus talking science…about how de-stressing their techniques can get and which enzymes and neuro-transmitters change and to what percentage and so on! And with all this high-end medico-statistical analysis in place, a huge trap is laid on a multi-national scale to lure (read ‘serve’) more and more human beings! Miracles are performed, holy ash falls from nowhere, lepers start running, cancers get cured, the night skies turn red and wonder what else happens and we have this huge mammoth gatherings of ‘devotees’ swaying their hands in orgasmic ecstasy of having realized their very Selves! May be they have, but then if the entire process involves a huge dent on my wallet, I am pretty satisfied with my current ‘unrealized,’ ignorant self!

It also makes me wonder how these holy men and women acquire huge tracts of lands to build their palatial ashrams. Wasn’t sanyas all about renunciation or was I just being way too stupid? Wonder what it is with these men-in-holy-robes that attracts those in power? Invariably the hobnob between them and the ruling class exists; while I understand the need that our divine men and women have for those in power to get all their goodies and freebies, what do the power czars get in return? What makes them vacillate in front of people pulling out ash or doing any other inconsequential and totally meaningless miracles?

For the aam-aadmi of our times, I guess spirituality of the hip-hop variety gives a convenient outlet. With the breakdown of our traditional joint family set up, nuclear families are increasingly becoming a thressome- man-woman-kid affair. Insecurities, loneliness, depression, absence of an elderly shoulder to cry upon, lack of sagely and experienced advice plagues us all in the modern society. And these czars and czarinas of the soul conveniently cash in on these very insecurities and make big moolah. I agree, that many of them also indulge in a lot of social work. But then that is more of an eyewash, a lid to cover the muck that their financial irregularities have generated. One casual look at the standard of living of the near-and-dear ones of the said God man or woman before and after he/she declared himself/herself as such is enough to drive home this point! Hitherto average middle class family members would now have chauffer driven limousines, have a battery of servants, would’ve toured the globe a million times, sent their kids to the most expensive of schools abroad. And since the power masters of the day are also in tow, the entire drama carries on unabashed, uninterrupted!

While my agnostic self prevents me from giving an ‘all-pervasive all-knowing entity that oozes with compassion’ image to the concept of god ( ‘cos if he were that compassionate and wonderful, humanity wouldn’t be in the throes of misery that it currently is in), it simply seems out of question to me to raise a mere mortal to a pedestal of divinity. This man in sacred robes is as human as me; he has the same body structure as I have of two eyes, one nose, two ears and the rest, has more or less the same kinds of urges ( of food, water, of nature calls!!), the same kind of passions and desires (ok, may be in a lesser or who knows larger proportion that the very-ordinary me!), falls prey to the same kinds of viral infections and diseases- then what on mother earth makes him an incarnation of God?

But all said and done, the malaise is deep. Religion they say is an opiate for the masses and as long as people remain people- insecure, timid, craving for external strength- so long will our wonder-gurus continue to rule the roost! The show, as they say, would go on and that is what it all is at the end of the day- a huge huge trickery show!

2005-10-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

I am back and this time around its been a really long incognito…well the usual excuses I guess- that i was too held up, had loads of work, was just a tad too lazy, didn’t want to be seen blogging in office, there were just too many upheavals at my end that documenting the same didn’t seem a very interesting activity! But then, finally felt this tearing need to break the pause that was getting threateningly long- realized that when I forgot the password to my blogspot ! also had quite a few regulars asking me where I had disappeared ( ooh! As always so flattering!)…so ultimately landed back, not with any vengeance though!

With Ma, Roopa and Vishnu landing here in Gurgaon over varied time lines, life certainly changed for the better. At the least you have someone to return home to; not empty walls looming at you dispassionately. Last week we embarked on this trip to Agra, Mathura and Vrindavan. I was looking forward eagerly to the visit to Vrindavan; remembered a Hindi verse that I had read many summers ago which summed up to something like this:
“When will I renounce the circle of material family life, and, drowning in transcendental bliss, go to Vraja bhumi? O Lord Hari, when will this be?
When will I see Govardhana Hill, my eyes filling with tears? When will I reside at Radha-kund? When, as a result of constantly wandering in Vrndavan, will this body fall down?
When will I become pure at heart by bathing in the waters of the Yamuna?
When will I circumambulate the land of Vraja, wandering from forest to forest? When, becoming fatigued, will I stop to rest on the shore of the Yamuna?
When will I be able to see the gardens of Vrndavan where the great devotees worshipped the Lord?
When will I find relief from the heat of midday by resting in the cooling shade of Vamsivata? When will I associate with the Vaishnavas in the groves of Vrndavana?”

The image of Vrindavan in my mind’s eyes was one that reverberated with Its glorious past with the all pervading looming presence of Krishna in everything and everyone. Well, my fault perhaps as there is certainly no utopia in this world. These images were to take a massive beating through the course of the long day that I spent there.

Around 150 km south west of Delhi, Vrindavan is off the Delhi-Agra Highway and it took us about 4 hours to get there from Gurgaon. Even as your car takes a turn to get into this hallowed township, you get blocked by a huge group of men sporting tilaks and wearing saffron scarves, looking much like their brethren in the much-talked about ‘Parivar’ of Indian politics! They insist that you need to take a guide along with you, as there are almost 5000 temples there and as a newcomer you would simply be lost trying to find your way through and also deciphering which temple is ‘important’ from whatever point of view! Of course it just costs you 31 bucks for this and so we let a lanky lad hop into our cab. He began with a long harangue about how we were the very benefactors of lady luck that made us step on the Holy land of Vrindavan, about how others would’ve just dreamt about this but never accomplished the feat ever, about quotes and sayings that he had memorized to perfection ranging from Sur to Meera to proverbs in the local lingo. Basically a lot of harmless mumbo-jumbo which i seriously didnt mind listening to!

He took us to a temple of ‘Ranganath ji’ built in the typical South Indian style. True to his profession he gave us every possible detail about every possible pillar and brick of that temple, much to the chagrin of Ma who wanted to spend some time in peace there. His focus however ended with materialism about how many kilos of gold were used to embellish the tower, how much silver was used to make the deity, what eatable is offered and when---none of which was of any significance to any of us. Then the strange practice of putting your hands up, clapping and laughing aloud in front of every deity; which he said was absolutely necessary ‘cos those who laughed in Vrindavan would lead joyous lives and those who remained mum or morose would end up ruining their lives! While Ma refused to indulge in these antics, Roopa and me decided to humor the poor guy…thought it must be part of some folklore or belief---which is what all religious places are supposed to be abound with---and laughed like crazy nuts at the sight of every idol !

So far so good. Till we made our way through the narrowest of lanes- the kunj galis of Vrinadavan where Krishna was supposed to have had a rollicking time with his childhood friends and the gopis. We entered one of Vrindavan’s oldest temples- the Banke Bihari temple. Legend has it that the deity of Banke-bihari was discovered by Swami Haridas, the guru of the famous musician Tansen.

The initial aura of the place was truly wonderful—something that even an avowed agnostic like me must concede. It truly did resonate of Krishna’s presence- He seemed to live there to this day, in those narrow lanes, in that huge peepal tree outside the temple, the pond nearby, in the devotion of the numerous old widows who had their abode outside the temple, who were condemned to a life of penury by the existing social customs of the times. It really felt ethereal and I did have my hairs standing at ends for a while.

‘For a while’ I said, ‘cos then we were ushered in to the sanctum by our dear friend. The main priest of that hallowed temple seated us in front of the deity, made us mutter some things in Hindi, rambled a few sentences in a matter-of-fact manner about the supposed miracles of the place and then presto! Took his receipt book out! Then he began reeling out the different ‘rates’ to salvage mine and my ancestors’ souls- starting for a measly 1000 bucks and extending till where our imaginations could lead us to! All along our ‘benevolent’ friend goaded us to make the maximum of this unique opportunity and pay up as much as we can. The priest wouldn’t open the curtain and show us the deity till we gave him a quote. When I protested and said it wouldn’t be possible, ‘pandit ji’ started the bargain in typical vegetable vendor style- “ok, tell me how much would you be willing to pay’? since we settled for a very small amount, he pulled the curtain for a minute or so, frowned at us and closed it off in a hurry and dumped some Prasad in our hands and signaled us to leave! It was such a relief to be out…we felt liberated! It was intense fear and blackmail that happened inside and the feeling outside was so refreshing!

The same sordid affair repeated itself in the palace of Nand where Krishna supposedly grew up as a child. But this time we were once bitten and hence more cautious and simply walked away before we could be put on the hot seat with a million people imploring us to wash our sins off through higher offerings! If any one of them truly believed in the God that they eulogized, they would have read His story where it was a mere tulsi leaf offered with utmost devotion and dedication and not riches that satisfied Him.

I left Vrindavan with a sense of shock, disgust and disbelief. If this was the scenario in the birthplace of one of India's most worshipped heroes, i shudder to think how bad things could be in other places! No wonder then that ‘Hindu culture’ as I know of it is conspicuous by its absence in the bad lands of Northern India. Many south Indian temples including the famed shrine at Tirupati is also undoubtedly steeped in corruption. But then once you enter the sanctum, the entire focus is on quiet introspection and the focus remains the deity there. It never is a tomato-carrot kind of bargain that Ma indulges with her vegetable seller each day! No wonder then that the North shall remain the North and the South shall remain the South and never shall the twain meet! Thank God for small mercies, after all !

2005-07-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

The entire route that I usually take to office had been converted into a beeline of cops over the past two days. Gurgaon perhaps witnessed one of its bloodiest scenes of violence and that too in the full gaze of national television- which for want of better and more sensational news- was running a hysterical live commentary of the unfortunate incidents that had rocked this city-cum-town-cum-village.

In what seemed like a shocking take from the Ben Kingsley starrer- ‘Gandhi, policemen of independent, sovereign, socialist, secular republic of India resorted to a shameless act, which bore similarity to their colonial predecessors. I am no communist, in fact have been proud to be a communist baiter for long, as I find the geriatric bunch as one of hypocrites ridden with self contradictions that they try to fight off and justify with their high sounding ideologies. But then the shocking scenes on TV of a group of thousands of unarmed workers of a multinational company being beaten to pulp in the broad daylight by the very ‘custodians’ of the law, could rattle even a rightist like me!

The issue brings into sharp focus the age-old problem of labor reforms and also how little our political parties (especially the Left) and the trade unions have done for this segment of society whose cause they claim to espouse. Going without food and a salary was bad enough for these retrenched workers, but having the living daylights beaten out of them was medieval. Shouldn’t it run a chill down the spine of every concerned citizen that the very administration and the very government which was voted to power a few months ago, begging at the doorsteps of similar individuals, could get so high headed in such a short span? Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!

It was similar scenes that I had witnessed many years back as a summer trainee for two months in one of India’s hitherto finest electrical companies. NGEF- New government electric factory- on the busy Old Madras Road of Bangalore was one of the pioneers of electrical machinery in the country…the motors and transformers from NGEF would make their way all over the country- both governmental clients as well as industrial and consumer. But with Liberalization and the entry of Japanese companies who could manufacture the same faster and at cheaper costs, NGEF was fighting a losing battle; it was dying part by part and there was absolutely no support that either the Central or Karnataka government gave to sustain its cash cow. All they could do was retrench a couple of workers, then cut down the scale of operations, then hold back the salaries of many workers, cost-cutting methods of scrapping the lunch that was served at a subsidized basis to the employees, a partial lock out, a declaration of BIFR status and finally! The flood gates opened…there was a massive protest by the workers who had kept quiet for long…it was mayhem on the sprawling NGEF campus on the day which was incidentally my last day there…amidst stone throwing and lathi charge and tear gas and a huge police security I somehow found myself out of the place. But then the issue I heard got from bad to worse…the government decided to sell NGEF off, but sadly there were no buyers…I really shudder to even think about what the current situation there is, except that there is a huge ‘CLOSED’ board that hangs outside the premises!

Faulty policies like these where we barter our own assets at the altar of liberalization, where we show more empathy to the white man who has set the shop than our own dark skinned fellow countrymen who are slogging there day in and out and then react in the way that the Haryana police did with the Honda workers is what keeps alive a defunct ideology like communism in India…the rabble rousers at least appear to sympathize with their cause which makes the workers rally around them…else, with the “god that failed” post Glasnost and Perestroika and one that has radically changed in China wouldn’t have the temerity to hold on to its 1920’s ideology in Bengal and Kerala. Its so easy for them to get away with speeches on Democracy and human rights despite their own precedents in Stalin’s USSR and their opposition to the freedom movement or Indian retaliation of the Chinese aggression in 1962. well, India is truly a tragic comedy of errors!

Just hours after our TV crews went beserk running behind every soul and mongrel that roamed around Gurgaon, Mumbai happened—the floods that torrential rains brought about and the fire at Bombay High and presto! They conveniently forgot good old Gurgaon and its sad workers! Political parties made the right noises for one day, stalled Parliament, screamed their lungs off till they were gasping for breath, called for a Gurgaon bandh, made life hell for commoners like me—but at the end of it no one really cares…neither the governments of the day, nor the opposition, nor the media and of course the ever passive Indian milieu. Nothing concerns us till it happens in our backyard and affects us directly. As a nation, we’ve simply lost the sense of nationalism and responsibility.

Unless a strong public opinion build up against such behavior by the administration that goes against the wishes and interests of our own countrymen (is there any country in the world where the rulers jeopardize the interests of their own people?), unless we ‘educated’ Indians give up our apathy and indifference and a fatalistic attitude of ‘nothing-can-change-this-wretched-country’ the pathetic condition of the workers would continue. many of them have had multiple injuries in sensitive parts of their bodies and with zero medical aid things would only get worse; probes and commissions would be ordered, more mud slinging, more media wars, more empowerment of the leftists and of course the ubiquitous short public memory that India can so proudly flaunt!

I am sure none of us have learnt anything from the Black Monday at Gurgaon!

2005-07-14T02:29:00.000-07:00

Its been a 40 day roller coaster ride to say the least...at the end of it I am supposed to have got ‘trained'...the formal training process ends today and we are left open to the wolves of the 'big bad world of business' from tomorrow! The comforts of passive participation; of being just able to sit back and attempt to absorb some of the information overflow ceases today and one is expected to apply all that we went through in the past few weeks to actual business!

But all said and done, with all my characteristic cynicism in place, I must say, its been a huge learning experience for me personally…these 6 odd weeks have made me a much more saner person…the different stints through the training saw us lugging through the rougher terrains of northern India and actually ‘feel the pulse’ of the customer…"Customer is king" and all the other clap trap that B-school grads like me are usually fed with evanesces! Its an all together different ball game to be there in the field either luring the customer to buy your product (tougher when its an intangible financial service!) or showing him the stick to repay when he goes delinquent!

Through these weeks I met scores of people from myriad walks of life; all diverse individuals all operating within their own domains and constraints…from the Global Risk Officer Ray Duggins to the CEO Vishal Pandit, the other members of the top management including the CFO’s, CIO’s, VP’s AVP’s and the rest to countless sales managers, DSA’s (Direct sales agents) who lug it in the field trying to sell products to people entering data in the Ops shop floor to the brash Collector who threatens the customer to pay back promptly…just went to show that the job of a matrc pass who fed data from teh application forms was as critical to the process flow as perhaps the CEO's!! images also flash of the numerous faces of the ‘Indian customer’ I encountered---there was a dream in each eye, an aspiration for a better existence and since money is one of the most important means to get you there, all of them invariably wanted loans (of course at low interest rates!)…it was equally fun going on bikes to places like Ghaziabad, Ballabhgarh, Faridabad etc which I hitherto wouldn’t have dreamt of making a trip to! All this in either the sweltering northern heat or the erratic monsoon showers drenched from head to toe! Its been equally interesting learning about the entire gamut of the Retail finance business in India- be it Credit cards or the loan spectrum covering home, personal, auto, two wheeler, consumer durable and a plethora of other loans; what competition does, the finance dynamics and the profit considerations that go behind the same---a huge disconnect from what I was fed at in B School!

So on the threshold of a new phase, its both apprehension and excitement that engulfs me now…the task seems as daunting and challenging but at the same time quite intellectually stimulating…all I can do is to keep fingers crossed and look at each passing day as a new challenge, a new opportunity for growth, for learning!

I seriously do have miles to go before I sleep!

2005-06-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

Life has changed so much over the past one odd month that i have been literally left grappling…birthday was celebrated in real style- landed at Indira Gandhi International airport, New Delhi, the same evening...i had left this very place 3 years ago in rather strange circumstances…I had then also vowed to never get back to this part of the world again…it was like the airport was getting back at me with a jibe! with all my luggage in tow, I hopped into the office cab that had come over to pick me and we hurried our way to suburban Delhi—Gurgaon to be precise!

A decently lavish guest house ( which was, for some strange reason, painted in gaudy red!) greeted me and it was long after I tucked myself in the bed there did I realize that this was no temporary relocation…life had decided to change gears yet again and this was an important turning…I was here, not on some picnic, but would be starting off on my first job over here…and that was suddenly such a scary thought!

the similarity that the place bears with my erstwhile destination- Pilani- similar arid landscapes, the same rugged people, those undescribably filthy Haryana roadways buses that I see on the roads each morning---all set in waves of nostalgia in my mind…there was this sudden urge to get back to that desert with the few people I really loved and wanted to be around with…but then, if wishes could be horses!

work began on an optimistic note…it didn’t seem as daunting as I thought it would, though of course therez simply no time to sit back and relax…with training sessions and the supposed ‘honeymoon’ period on, its not as bad as yet…everyone up there has been warning of worse times coming ahead…but then what the heck! letz cross the bridge when we come to it! this one month, I have been totally tied up trying to find a roof over my head! house hunting is the most frustrating pastime and trust me when I say this! and a totally unfurnished house necessitates that you fill it up with all the necessities and for an inexperienced soul like me, one doesn’t where to start off from and where to end…so from the harpics and domexes to jhadoos and pochas and AC’s and inverters…to the hunt for a maid and the ‘dibbawala’, its been a helluva hunt and I am so glad to have gotten out of it pretty successfully.

Gurgaon isn’t too great a place to be in…for all the epithets it earns as ‘the city of malls’( ugghh..trust me a MUmbaikar or Bangalorean would find nothing great in these so-called super structures!), it encompasses in it great deficiencies…it basically lacks finesse and aesthetics…its not a town with a heart, a cultural milieu…its just crass materialism (more of the showy Punjabi kinds splashed across in disproportionate measure!)…it shook me to realize that therez nothing called public transport here and it pains my heart to make a rickshaw puller pull my weight with the sun beating 45 degrees outside! I simply refuse to haggle with him for lesser price and end up paying him more than what he asks for…it really beats me to see these opulent malls standing in the middle of empty spaces and to which the only means of transport other than a self-owned car is a cycle rickshaw pulled by an emancipated man sweating through his butt in the oppressive northern heat!

well..all said n done, this is my new home…its been fun trying to set up the house from scratch…but certainly not fun sitting here in a cyber café, trying to type even as each key seems to fall off its place!!!
!

2005-05-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

A depressing discussion I had with a cousin of mine made me ponder about something that I had been thinking about for quite sometime now- the subtle but all-pervasive role that sexuality plays in the lives of average Indians. We might all be greatly influenced by the centuries of conservative Muslim and Victorian cultural influences and try to brush the issue down the carpet- much unlike the aware and uninhibited Ancients who spoke and discussed sex as part of normal seminal or religious discourse. But this apart, the undercurrents and innuendos do lead us to the ‘basics’. This is perhaps most amply seen in the kind of lingo that especially the Northerners indulge in- almost every second sentence is an invocation to the organs! The concept of the Linga or the giant Phallus in the being of Shiva who is identified with the ultimate male machismo , the concept of Ardha-Nareeshwara or half man-half woman or the ease with which Vishnu kept changing roles of a man to a beautiful nymphet in the role of Mohini- the seductress (who knows if it was an allegory to being a transvestite?) and of course not to mention the much bandied and talked about Khajurahos and Vatsyayanas of the country!---all point to one definitive fact ; that sexuality and matters related to it do matter to Indians in a manner and magnitude bigger than they portray or try to conceal! Like it or not, when it comes to these matters, we are a nation full of hypocrites who indulge shamelessly in the art, which has perfected over centuries of dramatics!

Coming back to my hapless cousin, the fact that she couldn’t bear a child after many years of marriage wrecked havoc with her domestic and marital life. She was made to undergo all the tortures therein to become ‘eligible’ enough…but sadly for her husband, the medical reports seemed to point fingers at him….and that is something that no Indian male would ever like to discuss or acknowledge. An attack on his virility or talks of his ‘incompetence’ make him feel like a wasted piece of shit- like all there is to life is procreation and bearing children! That’s where the funda of sexuality and the concepts of male hegemony therein assume importance in a purely Indian context. Even now with all our advancements and the rest, its ultimately the woman who gets blamed for a girl child, for infertility and for just about anything related to matters of sex. Talk the same to a man and presto! Veritable hell shall break loose! I’m no feminist for Heaven’s sake, but at the same time, im not the typical Yem-Cee-Pee either!!! After all as educated people, don’t we need to have some biology on our meninges?

India and Indians have a long way to go before we shed this superficial and hypocritical Islamic and Victorian veil of piety! Also the numerous sexual stereotypes that society churns out- a man is supposed to be hard hearted and never allowed to shed tears, if he does- whispers of ‘may be something is amiss somewhere’ abound….even as a kid, a boy is taught not to cry in public, chiding and ridiculing him to be so effeminate if he ever did so! as a teenager, its considered good and macho enough for him to take part in every damn sport under the sun; but fine arts or anything that has 'sensitivity' attached to it--is a strict NO-NO! Then ofcourse, with age all the preoccupations with the 'size' and the rest catches up with our poor lad! If this is how society expects a 'MAN" to be, why blame poor him when he takes it his birth right to be boorish, crude and catch every passer-by woman on street as his rightful object of lust?? its after all decades of upbringing and social conditioning that has led to him to do what he does...moreover all these images of machismo, I guess put immense pressure on the Indian male as well, as much as the repression affects the female. the 'pressures of performance' and that too all the time seem to bog him down eternally!

Well, when we cant treat the so-called ‘better-half’ of the species in a befitting manner, I don’t even want to imagine about the condition of the so-called sexual-minorities in India! I think this is one country of nincompoops where films like ‘Fire’ get shouted down by supposed protectors of ‘culture’ saying ‘Homosexuality is against Indian Culture’ (boo!hoo!)…not to mention the pitiable state of those chaps we derisively call ‘Hijras’ and ‘chakkas’ who torture us at every railways station or traffic signal in cities like Mumbai- for sheer lack of any other opportunity at employment. Why should the presence or lack of an organ, lead to them being shunned from society that way? Is the presence a pre-requisite for intelligence, to work in, say, a hi-fi software company?? Would a eunuch fare any less if he/she took calls in a BPO? have we ever given the idea a chance, a try? Isn’t this the reason why many companies resort to the crazy idea of a medical examination before recruiting new employees, where a doctor strips you down to see if you have it ‘all’ well-packaged!? So doesn’t it then lead us to the same idea that i was talking about before, of sexuality being the core of our lives, the raison de’tre of our existence if one could use that term?

Yet each time we smirk and shrug it off when confronted by it. Each time our children ask us questions, we try to look the other way….each time we nominate buffoons to sit and censor our movies and monitor our channels—like in this age of Information and the power of the Internet, anything at all can be kept concealed for long enough from our kids! No wonder the alarming increase in the number of rapes, the cases of AIDS and the rest—simply because of our ignorance and also our reluctance to take corrective actions!

Reminds me of an age-old anecdote about how parents keep the facts off their kids doing them more harm than good in the process, but then they simply don’t know whom they are trying to fool. A kiddo goes to his dad and asks him how he was born…an obviously embarrassed father decided that the stork and bees story was a better alternative to the sperm and ovary funda and told him with a straight face about how the stork had come over and delivered him at their window sill or so. The bewildered kid asked the dad how he was born and the dad, with the same straight face repeated that the same stork visited his parents…the kid went back the family tree to his grandparents and great grandparents… and the father, very patiently blamed it all on the same jobless god-damn stork! At the end of it all, with an extremely dejected face kiddo-Sam replied ‘What a pity! Four generations of our family never enjoyed the pleasures of sex!”

2005-05-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

Blame it on a couple of health compulsions- but then I’m doing something which is normally not expected of me; atleast not in the midst of a vacation! Getting up at 4:30 A.M. and taking a two hour walk around Lal Bagh- one of Bangalore’s loveliest botanical gardens- was something I never thought I would be indulging in! but then over the last one month I have simply grown to love the place and the day seems so incomplete without this visit to the garden in the morn!

Lal Bagh has always been a very pleasant addiction…right from school days, when as President of the Nature Club that we started at school, I organized these ‘Nature walks’ on Sunday mornings. Ok, have to agree that not many students could get themselves up on cold Sunday mornings, for something that in no way would boost their marks in the exam! But then the few of us who did manage to beat the inertia it was lovely! We had tied up then with Prasad uncle who had this undying passion for nature and was running a similar club on Environmental consciousness called Merlin Nature Club. We had these two mammoth projects underway- one was to name all the plants in school and create a herbarium of the same, with common names and botanical names spruced in. what better place to get this database than Lal Bagh which is credited as having one of the largest and rarest plant collections of the subcontinent. Prasad uncle also took us on ‘Bird watching’ trips ( well, the actual birds which fly in sky!), taught us to identify birds at a distance from their color, appearance, sounds and so on! After all more than 200 species of birds have their home in the sprawling garden of Lal Bagh! As kids, such a practical exposure to Biology and natural science was truly enriching. Of course the games and fun that followed or the routine trips to the nearby Mavalli Tiffin Room, popular as MTR, for their famous Masala Dosas made these trips all the more delightful!

This enthralling 250 acre garden was established by Haidar Ali in the 18th century. It was his son, the legendary Tipu Sultan, who added the touch of grandeur to the garden importing shrubs from places like Turkey, Mauritius, Persia and France. In 1856 it was made into a horticultural garden and placed under the management of a superintendent from the Kew Gardens in London. In fact with over 1000 species of flora, it becomes one of the rarest treasures of natural history.

Lal bagh is undoubtedly a walker’s paradise…three rounds or so along the lake side amidst the canopy of trees is enough to get one going for the rest of the day. I was pleasantly surprised to see so many people- young, old, men, women, kids being so health conscious and taking that extra effort to brisk-walk or jog their way to health. Its an ideal hang out for the old crowds—we regularly encounter an old couple who haunt the place every morning, come what may. The husband, in a tone as loud as loud can get, harangues endlessly to his pitiable old wife on everything ranging from the current state politics of Deve Gowda and Dharam Singh to the Bihar mess to philosophies of why one should not fear death! Its quite an amusing scene to see the lady drone away passively in a supposed response of acknowledgement, while its clear to even a passerby like me that her thoughts are elsewhere- may be on what to cook for the day! Then of course the group of old men who jaunt with their walking sticks commenting on the days that were, the days that are and the days that would be—having an opinion about everything and being as garrulous about it as possible seems to be a religious profession! Then the middle aged housewives in their sarees and walking shoes stroll around in an obvious posture of discomfort which years of sedentary lifestyle has brought about. There is also a regular group of Tamilians, who, true to their moorings (well, no offence meant!) believe in speaking at a tone which could be audible across the 250 acres of the greenland! The young men and women (unlike me) are too busy to stop along, observe people and their mannerisms, and jog along sweating profusely and burning those ‘extra calories’! but then they are all there with one common goal in mind- Health- and that’s so heartening to note!

Sundays hold a special meaning to the Lal Bagh regulars, as the Kannada and Culture Ministry organizes ‘ Udyanavanadalli Udaya ragagaLu’- an Open air concert of Morning Ragas- at the Band Stand overlooking the spectacular Glass House. Many noted local artists and upcoming ones display their talents in Carnatic and Hindustani classical music to a varied audience—some music lovers(like the three of us) who sit at Band stand through the one and hour half hour programme, but mostly passers by who, sporting a curious and anxious look on their faces at having heard anything called classical music in their lives, try to catch a stanza or two and make their way out! But music amidst nature and that too in the early morning hours with cuckoos cooing in the background does make a heady start for a Sunday! Where else would I get this but for my very own dear Lal Bagh!?

I’m suddenly stung by reality that the next 2 days would be the last of my strolls in Lal Bagh, even as I get-set to bid adieu to Bangalore and make way to the dry and barren lands of Gurgaon. There is a heaviness in the heart at not being able to listen to the old man’s sermons on national politics, at not being able to twitch my ears in discomfort at the Tamilian brouhaha, at not being able to catch up with Sunday morn music sessions followed by a sumptuous breakfast at Adigas or MTR…but then, I guess if there is one thing that is permanent in life, that is change! And so be it!

2005-05-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

The weekend was dedicated to the memory of Patti- my paternal grandmother- who left us an year before at the ripe old age of 110! She had become a living bag of bones, lost a lot of her vital functions, memory and the rest. Add to it the abhorable manner in which most of her illustrious sons tossed her around, like she was some Pele’s play object. But all these honourable men didn’t lose the chance to commemorate the first year of her departure with all the traditional Brahminical rituals; followed till the last line in the rule book! What an irony life is at times! We have scant regard for people when they are alive, but the minute they cease to exist in physical form, we brace ourselves for every ritual that needs to be done, with great aplomb!

Neither was my father or his family(read me and the rest!) invited for this mega-event; nor did we have any inclination to get to Chennai to solemnize this event. It would have just led to more heartburns, more controversies, more misunderstandings. Instead we decided to cherish her memory in our own unique way. ‘Teertha Ashrama’ is an old age home for old, destitute women in Puttenahalli on the outskirts of Bangalore. Spread over some 5-6 acres of land, in the middle of a muddy, dusty, bumpy road; with a huge garden, walking space, lawns and prayer hall, the home houses some 20 old women in its quiet environs. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city, these old women, in the twilight of their lives sit there patiently waiting for the end to come. Like Patti, almost all of them have sons and daughters who are respected citizens of civil society; earning huge perks and inhabiting big bungalows- though all these bungalows seems small enough to house the very person who gave birth to them and made them what they were today! Old age homes are a classic example of the insensitivity of our erudite and elite society. The affluent sons and daughters, send in monthly cheques to the management of Teertha Ashrama for the upkeep of their mothers; grudgingly make the bumpy trip to the home once in a month or so to see if the person they’d left back is alive; dump a tonne load of fruits on her though that would be the last thing she’d seek from them anyway; virulently shake off her tight clasp as she seems to beseech them through her vacant, expressionless eyes to stay longer or come often or bring the quintessence of her existence- the grandchildren-during vacations. And even before she or anyone can realize the Mercedes would’ve evanesced in a cloud of smoke and dust that it raises in its wake- and the people inside them move away with supreme self-satisfaction about how they’ve so wonderfully discharged all their responsibilities as offsprings! This has become almost a regular feature at the ashram.

I was skeptic about going there initially. Old age homes have always depressed me beyond point. More than the callousness and irresponsibility of a generation, it is the sadness and gloom in the eyes of its inmates that unsettles me each time ive visited any such home. But then to keep my Dad in good humor I condescended; all the while dreading the emotional repercussions that it might have on me! We were seated in a huge guest room since the lady managing the whole show- whom the inmates lovingly call ‘Matha ji’ was away on some errand. Another old woman was told to give us company. She seemed strong, active and agile and did a lot of administrative work. After a light conversation that Ma managed to make with her, she said with her eyes to the ground-‘ NO, I am also an inmate here…till I came here, I ddint know that a place called Puttenhalli existed; now my world is all but these 5 acres of land. I don’t care about the world outside of it!”. This was all she would give in by way of revealing her past or her family members and none of were senseless enough to probe or prod as well. She made some delightful conversation about their daily routines, how they spend time, how she helps the other old and terminally sick friends of her, showed us the garden and the vanilla plants that were grown there, the huge coconut and mangroves that were within the complex.

All through this the other inmates slowly trickled out, like animals coming out of the zoo cages to behold visitors and whispered to our old friend –“Mahalakshmi, these are your family members?” to which she answered so endearingly-“They weren’t till about an hour ago…now they are!”

We had sponsored a feast for all of them that day and it was quite a sight to see them relish with childish delight the extra goodies like the sweet dishes, vadas and the like that were made for them. Each inmate there had a story of her own; some of them came out with it almost readily; some guarded them close to their chest like they were some priceless treasure! Many of them told me point blank on the face-“Look son, we are an emotional lot…you come here once in a year perhaps and go away; for you its just another fun- outing…but then once we start getting emotionally attached to you or miss you or yearn for you to come more often, it makes life a living hell for us…we’ve had enough of relationships and emotional attachments…please don’t add to the list…thank you for the feast and may God bless you! All I request you is don’t ever leave your parents in a home like this; take care of them, come what may!” they were such loaded statements that I was left wondering what hit me and when! But I completely empathized the emotional trauma that they might have undergone or still going through, which made them so vitriolic.

But not all were as caustic…they were others who shed copious tears, one old woman hugged me and said I looked just like her grandson who is now in the US and whom she hasn’t seen in years now and she felt it was him visiting her in my form! There was a 90 year old woman as well, a child widow, who lost her husband on the same day of her marriage at the age of 15. Her own family ostracized her as they though of her as a bad omen. Ever since, she struggled her way through all these years; completed her graduation, took up a teaching profession in a government school and now; like the rest of her life; lives independently and with self-confidence. Listening to each one of them, it just felt the problems that I face are so very miniscule, so very manageable in comparison!

The post-luncheon session was one that I enjoyed the most…in the course of some chit chat Ma mentioned to one of them that I happen to learn classical music and that was IT! There were a series of requests for me to perform; luckily I had my electronic Tanpura with me and where I lost myself in the next 2 hours was something that even I didn’t realize! For any artist, the audience reaction and response matters; through the first song when I realized that all of them were deeply touched and influenced; it only helped me sing better, emote better and try all the more to soothe their pained hearts! Within the first two renditions, almost all the inmates, the gardeners, the kids, the servants and even the hitherto hostile inmates came over to the hall and crowded around like it was some celebrity performing for them! Some of them were music aficionados themselves and made firmayishes of specific Ragas and compositions as well ! one of them, who had done her vidwat in music in her heydays, quizzed Ma about whom I learnt from and her eyes supposedly lit up when among others, Ma mentioned Bombay Jayashri ji’s name! “ aah, I though as much, the imprint of that great lady’s style is so much on display; I feel I’m listening to her sing! What soulfulness, what emotions!” . It wouldn’t be an exaggeration if I said this was the best and most satisfying singing experiences for the soul…I felt so elevated at the end of it and but for the fact that it was getting dark, I would’ve continued for another hour or so! I had never got as much of a thunderous applause, as many blessings, as much copious and selfless praise as I did after this session!

We had a beeline of people bidding us farewell, some wept, some made us promise that we would return, some implored me to come again and sing a full fledged ‘katcheri’ with all the accompaniments et al…like some family member who was leaving them, all these old angels stood by the gate waving profusely till our car disappeared far from their sight and all we could see were silhouettes of frail bodies making their way back to another day of lonely existence, agonizing memories and cherishing the music and the few hours of our time that we had given them!

2005-05-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

It feels great to be back in Bangalore after that short interlude! Its not quite the characteristic comfortable summer that Bangalore usually has—things have surely ‘hotted’ up a bit! But then if you are a classical music fan then April and May are the months that you shouldn’t miss being here. What the marghashira or margazhi month (Decemeber-January) does to Chennai, April and May do to Bangalore! The city transforms itself into a cultural citadel with Rama Navami as the occasion for the same! There are innumerable Rama Seva mandalis that have mushroomed all over the city- many of them managed by residents and their jobless wives! I wonder if any other place in the country celebrates the birth of Lord Rama with as much fervor as Bangalore does- perhaps not even His own birthplace Ayodhya (well, there are other preoccupations there!)

Amidst all these innumerable mandalis that celebrate the festival with elaborate pujas and hawans by day and classical music feasts by evening, the Rama Seva mandali of the S V Narayana swamy Rao foundation stands the tallest. It has a certain history and legacy attached to it. The current year is the 67th anniversary of the celebrations! Its been etched in the minds of Bangaloreans-especially the old timers who’ve lived through the regal days of the Raj and the Mysore royalty. My grandfather and his brother apparently were regulars there as they made a beeline to listen to the then greats of classical music especially MS Subbulakshmi, who is supposed to have performed for more than 25 times at the same venue. My mother (and later me) also grew up with the same awe when it came to recalling the Fort High school grounds at Chamarajapet in residential South Bangalore where these annual celebrations are held each year, this time. The mandali proudly recalls that almost all the veritable who’s who in the field of Indian classical music performed at their premises- MSS, ML Vasanthakumari, D K Pattammal, Araiyakudi Ramanuja Iyengar, Choudaiah, Balamuralikrishna,Yesudas, Ustad Bade Ghulam ali khan, Ravi Shankar, Amjad Ali Khan, Parween Sultana, Shiv Kumar Sharma and a host of other luminaries.

Its quite an ethereal experience there to sit in the sprawling Fort High school grounds even as artist after artist make their trip to Bangalore this season, as the fest continues for 35-40 days in a row! The April mango showers hit Bangalore around this time and there is this indescribable nippiness in the air, the smell of the early drizzle falling on scorched sand and a light breeze blowing across the pandals, even as majestic idols of Rama, Sita, Lakshmana and Hanuman stand bejeweled in a huge gold plated mantap.

We usually buy the season tickets for the VIP section giving us a chance to sit in the front rows and enjoy the feast of music; but there are innumerable seats at the rear end and the free entrance at the back where people squat on the grass and listen to music! The festive occasion is marked with the distribution of lemonade (called Panaka) and kosambari(unfortunately there simply exists no English equivalent to this! Cucumber Salad would be a crude synonym!).

Music and religion make a heady combination! In India the arts have always been a means of an inward journey, a voyage of self discovery and exploration. Its almost no surprise then that classical music themes, like those of dance and other arts, draw heavily from religion and mythology. It is this very sentiment that is at work in all these numerous Mandalis and their festivities.

This year too almost all the known artists of Carnatic music have landed at the mandali—in fact many of them deem it an honor to be invited to perform there! Mandolin Srinivas, Bombay Jayashri, Ganesh-Kumaresh, Sanjay Subramanian, Kunnakudi Vaidyanathan, Bombay sisters, Kadri Gopalnath, Sudha Raghunathan, MS Sheela, Vijaya Siva, Mysore brothers, Neyveli Santhanagopalan, Hyderabad brothers, Priya sisters, Dr.N Ramani, Sowmya, Nithyashree Mahadevan, TN Sheshagopalan, TV Sankaranarayanan, TN Krishnan and a host of others with Begum Parween Sultana and Ustad Dilashad Khan performing at the concluding concert. Also every evening, before the high profile artist makes his or her entry, an upcoming artist is given an opportunity to showcase his or her talents---after all it’s a platform and listeners that all upcoming artists crave for! Unluckily I couldn’t catch with the entire series this time, as I was away in Chennai and just managed to attend a select few.

Its quite an ode to the spirit of Bangalore, which like a huge melting pot, welcomes, accommodates and absorbs different thoughts, cultures and streams making them its very own- adding to its cosmopolitan nature. Where else would you have classical fests of this magnitude; where both the genres of classical music get showcased equally (unlike other cultural bastions of classical music like Mumbai, Kolkata or Chennai which cater to specific genres only); at the same time you have a Mark Knofler Sting concert, a Bryan Adams, an Elton John, a Shahrukh Khan’s ‘Temptations’ programme which attracts as much crowd and public attention??? It is this accommodative spirit of co-existence which makes Bangalore what it is, (despite all those nasty traffic jams, population explosions, pollution et al that are now fancifully discussed almost on a daily basis!)- something that people who inundate it almost diurnally from different parts of the country with their parochial and regionalistic baggages simply cant understand or appreciate! But then Bangalore welcomes them as well, with open arms and assimilates them in its milieu; till none of them ever wants to leave!

As of now, the music season is steadily drawing to an end. But unlike what Shakespeare said about surfeit of music sickening and killing the appetite, its almost working the other way round for most of us-music lovers who throng the place despite the distance, despite the evening showers, despite the daily haggling with auto drivers post- concert--- in short, despite all odds!!! i dream of going to the same Fort high school grounds some day with my grandson or granddaughter and i am pretty sure the festivities would continue with the same aplomb even then!

2005-04-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am back again…and this time in a self-congratulatory mood. I just realized that my blog- ‘Random Musings’ named as ‘Chinthan’ turned an year old today! Big deal eh? Well it has been for me, ‘cos it gave me an opportunity at self expression which my diaries hitherto did…of course this time things were in full public view; but then I knew which posts to make public and which to conceal! One year, sixty nine posts(including this one), some 25,000 words written and over 2531 clicks on my stat counter! Impressive stats eh!? Hence the mood of self-congratulation! Blogging has been a great pastime…I owe it to the many people who actually went through some of the trash I churned out, to those copious praises heaped on some of the posts, to the many controversies and bitter duels that a few others generated, to the many people who told me they had laughed their heads off, or cried like there was no tomorrow or simply felt nice after reading a particular post, to the many people who would religiously get back and question me when I’d sink into occasional spells of incognito and lastly, to the many anonymous commentators who annoyed me with their spineless remarks—come on pals, get a life, say what you want to say but can we have a face and a spine to those comments as well??

I was recently reading an article that spoke about the mad, mad way in which the habit of blogging has caught up with Indians. Blog, a short for weblog, is a web page that has short entries (well, unlike mine!) in reverse chronological order- that’s the supposed Dict definition! Since setting it up is so damn easy these days and with the proliferation of computers to the Indian middle class milieu, the popularity of blogs has been on the rise. At the worst it could be a giant junkyard, at the best an antique shop- a place where there is so much to be salvaged but also much to be discarded. A place where bleary eyed bloggers rave and rant about the world all night long as they trudge through their dreary, insipid, listless day jobs. But what I heard was post Tsunami, blogs have emerged as a major force of web-activism! The blog maniacs have confirmed through the huge relief collections that their blogs helped collect, that their posts weren’t mere exercises in self gratification, but their writings were there to create an impact, proving the age old adage of the pen being mightier than the sword! Unlike an e-chat, a blog luckily is a monologue (unless of course like many people have posts appended by comments longer than the post itself!!). This luxury of a blog makes it the perfect forum for people with opinions and no outlets or audience. From foreign affairs to cricket to politics to cows to sex to movies to painfully detailed narrations of his or her diurnal chores, the anytime, everything blogger seems to write on anything under the sun! Many a times a blog becomes a convenient way to put on an image that one always wanted to be but could never be, hiding behind the comfort of the ethereal virtual world wide net! Blogs give us a peek in to the real lives of real people ( sometimes false lives of real people…well, and other combinations of these two adjectives!!) whom one may never meet but know everything about! It could, like in some cases it did, turn out that the person was directly opposite to what he portrayed himself in his blog—but then what the heck!

But not all bloggers may want to become journalists or novelists, though the media is suddenly sitting up to recognize the latent talent in many of these authors and disbursing huge sums in the way of awards and opportunities to enter the print world. I read somewhere that blogs are the best means for the maximum freedom of expression with the maximum reader reach and with the least harm to our forests! How true! It does give a heady feeling to see your stat counter racing with each passing day and your readership cutting across continents and regions!

As I started off at the beginning of this post, my current mellow mood prevents me from getting to my characteristic sarcastic self and rip down the idea of blogging like I did some posts ago, much to the chagrin of blog-regulars! Like everything else in this world blogging too has its pluses and minuses and for a change I feel like just seeing the former!

Long live the Indian blogs! Toast to the creative spirit behind blogging!

2005-04-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

When a person feels he’s been really unfair with someone what does he do? Give an excess of what he thought he hitherto deprived that person of ??? that’s exactly what seems to be happening to me vis-à-vis my poor blog! Of course it’s a different issue that sitting in my cousin’s hugggggggge house ( or is it called a bungalow!?) that seems to run just on air conditioners and with a computer at my disposal and a lack of will to saunter around in the inhuman weather outside, there would’ve been little else I could turn myself to than blog! I’m in the hot-and-humid-as-hell city Chennai! Its been over 2 weeks since I’ve landed here and with every passing day the urge to get back to Bangalore gets all the more stronger! For some strange reason I have never been able to like this city, despite it being a virtual second home with almost all my paternal relatives abounding the place. Somehow the lack of aesthetics and the crudeness of the place puts me off- in plain words the city and most of its people, in my view, lack finesse. Add to it the unparalleled water problems, power cuts, the unbearable heat and sweat, a non existent drainage system whereby the slench hangs over most part of the city and Sun TV and its cousins beating down my neck all day long---perfect recipe for hatred!

But it isn’t on my own volition or wish that I landed here; I mean how crazy could one get to spend one’s vacation and that too a summer one at Chennai ! it was this rare opportunity of getting tutored in music under one of the most renowned contemporary Carnatic Vocalists- Smt Bombay Jayashri that brought me here. Jayashri ji and me have known each other for over 5-6 years now when as coordinator of SPICMACAY at BITS-Pilani, I had coerced and emotionally blackmailed her to come over to that desert and sing for us. The astute rendition, the well cultivated voice and most importantly the emotive appeal that B.J. brings along is something that few Carnatic vocalists do. They end up making concerts as crass cacophonies with zero soulfulness and emotions. Getting back to the story, I had continued to keep in touch with her through mail and phone and recently she inadvertently mentioned that she has a student who comes to learn from her all the way from London! My antennae immediately got alert! I told her that in that case Bangalore isn’t too far and I could always make use of this two month long vacation in doing something worthwhile. She instantly agreed and thus began the saga!

Its been a huge learning experience for me…the elements of ‘Manodharma sangeetha’ or Improvisatory music—those aspects of Indian classical music where the artist delivers spontaneously and extempore on stage, had always piqued me. It was more of a mental block I guess. Its always so damn simple to sing something that is set and composed rather than invent on stage in the midst of flash lights jarring at you and a million eyes peering through you! But then she made the whole thing appear so simple, so rational, so ‘do-able’! spending those 2-3 hours with her have been truly enriching and rewarding and I don’t know how I could thank my favorable stars!

Atleast this is one reason I am not grudging my stay at Chennai! Though the heart aches to get back to the nippiness of Bangalore’s summer downpours.

2005-04-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

My last post here was when Alexander invaded India….yes, its truly been that long since I even thought about my hapless blog on the web! It wasn’t as if there was a paucity of happenings or things to write about…in fact it was the other way round- there was a surfeit. I wound up my stay at S P Jain, with a lovely trip to Goa with friends- one that would remain etched in my memory forever; of course for the fact that it was thoroughly enjoyable, but also because we almost lost our lives in one of the water sports ( yeah, managed to take part in every damn sport there!).

This was followed by a solemn and really nice convocation ceremony. I had a whole battalion of guests; apart from my parents who flew to Mumbai for the same. The black gown and hood were something I had always dreamt of getting myself photographed in and it was truly a great sight to behold the pride in Dad and Ma’s eyes! It was like the end of a life long labor for them and I felt nice about myself for giving them this small pleasure. It was also the time I’d part with my friends from college with whom I’d spent the last two years. Of course, they weren’t the best of the years of my life. But the fact remains that it could’ve gotten worse but for these few completely adorable friends I had picked up on the way! It did leave a heavy feeling in the heart…heavens knew when we’d cross roads as each of us had charted different corporate routes for ourselves.

It was equally tough to bid farewell to Mumbai…a city that I had gotten to love in the past two years. It encapsulates a certain energy and dynamism about itself which few cities can even think of replicating. And for wanderlusts like me, it’s the ideal city with the best possible means of commutation one can hope to get at any time of the day! I’d surely miss Vrindi- the hotel outside college that gave us some relief from mess hogwash, Juhu beach-our perennial escape place amidst the diurnal struggle for existence, the vada paav and masala chai redi near Andheri bus stand where we’d feast ourselves to an evening snack at less than Rs.10, the Bistro guy who’d deliver chips and biscuits to our rooms and try to speak to us in broken English, Jairam at the night canteen who’d sing in a voice as hoarse and out of tune that it could rattle up even the most indifferent of musical ears. I would certainly miss the many jaunts on the local trains as we hung on to anything that we could hold on to, the long walks on Marine drive, the visits to Siddhi vinayak mandir before every important placement interview, the delicious south Indian cuisine at Mani’s Tamil restaurant in Matunga (for which we’d make a 2 hour long trip from Andheri!), Fame adlabs, Fun republic and the many late night movies we saw there----oh my God, it seems like a whole chapter that’s suddenly come to an end! Strangely there are few professors I’d miss or want to remember! Nor would I cherish the memories of an insensitive and crass admin which had our harassment on the top of its agenda for some unknown strange reason! I was engulfed with these very emotions when we reached the Chhatrapati shivaji airport; accompanied by Kaku- my 84 year old grand uncle who, along with his family, was such a lovely source of support for me through these two years at Mumbai. I don’t know when I’d see him next, or if at all I would; I don’t know if I’d be able to get back to the city of dreams again, rattle my bones on a Churchgate or Virar local again, wade my way through in the terrible monsoons that lash the city, enjoy that quintessential Mumbaiya cuisine of Vada paav and chaat or just take a late night stroll down Juhu beach even as prostitutes and homosexuals make passes at you !!!

Adieu Mumbai ! You shall be missed forever!

2005-03-06T06:27:00.000-08:00

The last time I wrote something here, I was still a student! No longer…I find it hard to believe that I am actually through with these two grueling years of management ‘education’! The finale to all the academic obligations came about a couple of days back and now it’s only the epilogue that remains- as in closing bank accounts, getting due clearance slips, packing and lugging our earthly belongings and the rest. Its definitely a sense of déjà vu, in the sense that I’ve gone through these emotions of having to dismantle a well-established set up…like I had written in the Yearbook of our BITSian batch- “ I am leaving tonight. Had to pack. I’ve waited for this moment for so long and now that it is here, I don’t want it! You claim you want change only when you are dead sure you wont get it! I don’t want to take this poster off, I don’t want to burn old mail, I don’t want these curtains, these cushions, these books, and these hangers anywhere else. If only we could leave places without packing! Just step out, lock the door, chuck the key on the venti and walk away. Nice room- I don’t want to dismantle it. It looks so good in the moonlight!” This was 2002. Ditto in 2005!

Some might be tempted to call this an inertia of rest; but then I guess its more to do with the irritation with a nomadic existence- ever on the run! Its been 8 years now and I’ve been running behind God- knows-what; city after city; institute after institute. At least for the time being I suppose therez a pause in this pattern, though as I told a friend of mine that the goal of my life would be to die as ‘Dr. Vikram Sampath’ and heaven knows where all that would lead me to!

These two years were a roller coaster ride…didn’t realize what hit me and when…and I would be economical with the truth if I said it was all emotion that engulfs me at the time of leaving and not a sense of release! The very fact that there would no more be a mockery of education in the name of the zillion surprise tests, assignments, group works and all the other gibberish, is so very comforting.

But it would be unfair to this place if I said that all that this place helped me to get was a good job---that itz simply a costly placement agency! Ive seen myself grow tremendously in these 2 years--- so much so that I find it difficult to relate to the person who got in here 2 years ago. Battling a lot of constraints—more so on the personal front ---it was quite a struggle for survival. With cruel professors breathing down your neck, with a very craftily designed programme that this institute loves to run with the ultimate goal of getting some ‘free labor’, with all the one-upmanships and competition—if you could add a relationship that strained, drained and ultimately waned; a couple of personal bereavements and the irreplaceable personal losses and a few other things which I don’t feel like mentioning out here—perfect recipe for a mental breakdown!? But this two year stay has also helped me know some real wonderful people- a prof or two, a few friends of my batch and a couple of new discoveries in the junior batch! They would be my ultimate takeaway from this place---not necessarily the fact that I can or cant derive Black scholes equation for Options pricing or the many P’s that marketing boasts of! At the end of it all, it is these few people I would miss and yearn for, not the lake, not the temple, not the ever growing institute building! Log aate gaye, caravan badtha gaya!

Its yet another milestone completed…we all descended to these crowded suburbs of the bustling financial capital of India with two dreams in mind- knowledge and a plum job. I don’t know whether we’ve really got our coffers filled as far as knowledge is concerned, but yeah, the latter, definitely! Oh yeah, some even got lucky on the romantic front, but that some other day!

I dont think i would leave shedding copious tears, like i did all the way back from Pilani to Delhi at the time of departure; wouldnt for once attribute it to the possibility of not liking the place as much as BITS, but perhaps to the fact that ive matured now and grown and as they say 'Grown up men dont cry':-)) At the end of it all, while regrets might remain on what all could have been done better, I certainly am happy that exactly two weeks from now I’d be packing my bags and bidding this place a final adieu!

2005-02-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

We have this group of amateur actors and actresses in college called 'GASP'- Guild of Actors at SP Jain...a fairly talented group of young men and women, who despite the gruelling schedules of B schools manage to put up this annual production, after a month or so of painstaking efforts. Last year was a fabulous presentation of Girish Karnad's much acclaimed 'Tughlaq' on the ramblings of a directionless monarch. This evening, we were treated to Mahesh Dattani's 'Final Solutions'.

The acting was fantabulous by almost everyone out there and i really wondered how they got the time to memorize those long dialogues...or as musicians like us do, do they also improvise on stage? But then the script i must say, was pathetically weak. It belittled the superb acting and the immesne efforts these chaps had put in for over 30 days. Mahesh Dattani, with all due respect to him, isnt someone whom i consider can build a taut plot...be it Morning Raga or Dance like a man or today---Final Solutions.

Its all too easy to fall into cliches and stereotypes when one discusses an issue as complex as communalism...what is tough is to hit the nail straight on the head. The Hindu-Muslim divide has too much historicity attached to it, too much legacy for anyone's comfort. Its all too nice to take the politically correct 'secularist' route and have one conspiring pandit and maulvi trying to poison a bunch of hitherto peace loving Hindu and Muslim "brethren" who lived as though they were children born of the same mother...wish things were that simple in life! Somewhere down the Hindu psyche, more so in North India which has borne the direct brunt of the Islamic invaders for so many years, the concept of Islam remains one of a warring religion. The edicts of the Quran with direct references to slay non-believers (Kafirs, as they are called), the manner in which millions of temples have been raised in the past--its all to easy to brush it up with white secular paint! but deep within, the rot exists, even in the most liberal of minds. And therez so little effort on either side to bridge this gap as well...

Ok, i might have rightist leanings, but consider this---the recent cause of holocaust in India--the Ayodhya issue...the mosque that stood at the place was not even soemthing that Muslims had been using since about independence. And it wasnt something as sacred and holy as the Kaaba, that relocating it to a different place wouldve made much difference. In fact in Muslim countries like Saudi, mosques have been trampled for simple reasons as expanding roads!! Here, if the Hindu community for whatever reason, felt that thats where their hero was born and a temple that existed there was razed by a barbaric invader; whats wrong in re-locating the mosque a few yards away--that too a mosque that was in disuse!? the Hindus couldve helped in the relocation and the Muslims helped the Hindus in constructing their temple...wouldnt that be a better thing to do than squabble like cats and dogs? The oft-repeated "Islam is in danger" thingy comes in to rattle common Muslims and the Ulemas just use it to their advantage.

None of our secularist friends bother to inform us as to why after 58 years, the Muslim society stills remains so insular and unprogressive. Why is it that they've not reaped the benefits of economic boom? Why are still the laws of the Ulema, the Fatwas, the Shariat considered sacrosanct as over the Civilian law that the Constitution binds us all to? hindu society has transformed so much over the centuries...Sati, Untouchability and the like have been banned by law...reservations are opening the gates for a vast section of oppressed (or atleast the efforts are beign made)--but we still continue to have Triple Talaq and the kindz which even Muslim countires have abolished!! Strange! Our films, literature and playrights go hammer and tongs when they condemn Hindu society for inequity...Premchand could write a million Godan like novels on Dalit oppression...why havent any of these people bothered to even write a line about the condition of Muslim society, the lack of education, the threat of the fatwas that hangs on their hands all the time, the appalling condition of their women??? taslima nasrin tries to do soemthign to the effect and our secular Indian Govt bans the book! Applause!!

It was not some RSS pracharak but Gandhiji himself, in Young India, who had opined that the Sword is too prevalent among the Muslims and unless that is unsheathed, the unity of the country would be seriously dented. And how could this unsheathing be done?? By breaking the insular walls of that society..by helping them truly, to come to the mainstream...open the doors of modern education to young boys and girls who are herded in Madrasas under militant Maulvis who teach them lessons in Jehad. Education is the key to all problems that India faces and the Muslim society is screaming for help in this regard...but NO...secularism of the kinds that we have prevents us from doing anything concrete, than mere lip service.

I was thinking if Dattani might address these issues in his play...but sadly, they were not to be...its too naieve an attempt to pitch a criminal who has stirred a riot against a middleclass Gujrati housewife cuaght up in her rigmarole of customs and rituals...and actually compare the two...i mean how can anyone compare apples and oranges!!? Or for that matter an 80 year old woman with her understandable set of cultivated biases and prejudices.

As much as i hated the plot and the weak script that tottered down like a pack of cards, i was amazed by the brilliant acting that unfolded on stage. Hats off to the GASP team for their brilliant efforts in putting together this act, out of a loose script of a much hyped up playwright!!

2005-02-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

Ok…I have been really unkind with my blog and terribly generous to my readers by not posting anything out here in quite some time. The entire placement hullabaloo and the contentment at getting what I wanted (ok…for those whom I haven’t yet informed- I got placed in GE which was my ‘dream company’- as they say in B skool parlance!) kept me woefully occupied in pursuits other than blogging. It also gave me a lot of time to check out on others’ blogs. And to my surprise I found that almost every human being I know seems to have a blog of his or her own. And I don’t know why, the name ‘Random’ seems to be a common one in most of them! It’s really phenomenal to see the manner in which people have been getting rapidly addicted to the blog-syndrome. I was just talking to a friend of mine about what in her view constituted this burning desire in people to document stuff and put it up out there on the big bad web? Like all things in life, there are good, bad and average blogs out there…some blogs talk of profound things (rare ones to find though!), some are way too witty and humorous, some are pathetically boring (like mine for example!)…therez one community blog I am part of called the Bitsian bloggers--- a site where all old students sit and rave and rant about their alma mater (it’s a different thing that while they and we were there all we did was crib about the place and its inadequacies, now in retrospect its always nice to go on a nostalgia trip and feel that milk and honey flew in those barren desert sands!)…but then the majority of blogs are run-of-the-mill; as in people set out to document every minute detail of their diurnal existences. When they woke up, why they used the tooth paste that they used, how the old toothbrush hurt the gums, why the breakfast wasn’t as appealing as the previous day’s, whom all they met and floored in the course of the day—every brick, every mortar touched with finesse! The ‘randomness’ continues to cover all the incidents, till the protagonist dropped down dead on bed after a hard day’s slogging and how the bed bugs woke him/her up to a new morning…and then the cycle continues!

Ok…I know I am a cynical bastard, but then I am also appalled and amazed by the vagaries of human behavior. Why on earth would one want to showcase all this seemingly ‘different’ stuff that we do each day…and more so, why on earth do others read it? What amazed me were some 20-25 odd comments that followed such posts! “Amazing post dude, keep it up” kinds! Baffling! My friend opined that perhaps the manner in which our social lives are getting constricted by the pressures of modern living, puts in us this burning desire to find a tell-all companion. We feel its easier to talk to our lifeless monitors and exchange e-comments with people whom we perhaps haven’t met in life. There seems to be a huge logical disconnect between what some of these chaps are in reality and the image they portray of themselves in their blogs! As in, totally reticent, laconic, unsociable and here, presto! We have some party hopping, garrulous person who has this urge to be seen as the ever peppy, ever chilled out, ‘reallllllllly cool’ human beings—perhaps this is what makes us feel even simple things that we are do are something that the world should look up to with awe! Someone therefore asked me one day –‘Why are some of your blogs so full of pain, it seems like therez lot to hide and tonnes to read between those lines’? well yes, who said life doesn’t give one pains, may be in varying degrees to different people; but every living organism does go through some cyclical processes of pain. To beat that, may be some of us write about it and bring it out of our system for good…while others cloak and bury this forever with the guise of the cheerful, peppy metrosexual dude! Entirely left to our discretion!

All said and done, its so nice to see this collective oozing out of Indian ‘creativity’ in the field of writing skills. Its so nice to see that almost everyone of us blog-regulars think, quite confidently, that we are as good as Vikram Seths and Jhumpa Lahiris when it comes to writing! Long live the pen—oops, the keyboard!

2005-01-30T23:41:00.000-08:00

It is that time of the year when therez tension in the air; sombreness all around and nails get shorter as anxious faces are seen busily biting at them :-) Yes, its placement time, folks! and the party has just kind of begun. Placement times in any institute, especially a B School is a kind of a celebration--a culmination of the years of 'hard work'(or hardly worked times!) ...its also the time when the administration works overtime to ensure a good placement as that would earn the institute a higher ranking in the halls of "fame" published by reputed magazines each year....in short, everyone seems to suffer from an 'Entitlement mentality'--where you start feeling the world owes you something, cos you anyway feel you are the best.

Its also the time when CV's are churned out with the utmost finesse--trying hard to recollect every small incident or achievement that might embellish this sacred document. Some wise man has defined a CV as -"a legendary document of known facts and unknown interpretations with the only purpose of extending the scope of the con period from only the students to include corporates as well." Golden rules of CV writing as some friend of mine told me were-

1) Never spare any incident in your life. Try extracting at least one virtue from each of them, however trivial it might be. In these cases use more passive voice, hide the pronoun. For example you can peacefully write, "Was considered a child prodigy". You might've considered yourself a child prodigy, so what? Nothing wrong. You are always justified.

2) Put one of these words in every line of your CV. They are "Top, best, great, leadership, focus, management, new, initiative, change and ingenious"

CV done, preparation done...now the time to also face the unfortunate things...one upmanships and petty politics at its worst best! Anonymous faxes start going to company HR's with a candidate's forged signature claiming that he had signed out of the process for that company, application forms make a strange disappearence, hushed voices and cartel formations in group "discussions"(?!)--in short, a situation where friendships and relationships get redefined, where the right hand gets to know the real worth of the left hand -to which it has hitherto been oblivious! Driven by fierce competitiveness, placement times are the best times to test one's mettle --where even the tough ones who are made of steel crack up under the pressure of uncertainty and a looming future! Isnt it strange that years of toil and preparation are decided in 10 minutes of an interview, where a smile or some other 'actions' on the part of the fairer sex can clinch a dream job!

All said and done, our mundane destinies are decided somewhere up there (thats the easiest and most graceful acceptance of things that we cant change!!)...being as human as anyone around me, i would be economical with the truth if i said the pressure isnt getting on me as well ! But then as they said, in the end let the best horse win! All i can do is remember a school prayer that we religiously sang on chilly mornings-- 'Hum ko mann ki shakti dena, mann vijay kare, doosron ki jay se pehle khud ko jai kare' !!!

2005-01-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

I know that my blog is slowly running the risk of turning into a movie review site; still this was one movie I can’t stop raving about! It touched a chord somewhere deep within; stirred me to think. “Amu” was one movie I wanted to see and had I not got the company to watch today of two people atleast, I would have anyway gone alone to see it. And the movie grips you from the word GO. Contrary to belief it isn’t some boring saga of the 1984 anti-Sikh riots. Konkona Sen being the amazing actress that she is, slips into the role of the US returned Kaju so effortlessly and naturally. It was quite a contrast to the last movie I saw of herz ‘Mr. & Mrs. Iyer’, where she was this typical Tam Brahm and spoke English with a perfect Tamilian accent! The entire cast of Amu was so natural in their acting—the maternal uncle and his family, the adorable and cuddly grand mom, the ravishing Brinda Karat; the boy friend could have been a little more expressive though!

Amu portrays the story of a young woman who has been a victim of the senseless riots unleashed against Sikhs after the assassination of Mrs. Gandhi in 1984. the poignant part of the narrative is she doesn’t even know that she is one; cos 20 odd years in America and her assimilation into the warm and loving Bengali family has washed away all memories of her Sikh past. All she knows is her birth parents died of an epidemic and this Bengali family picked her up from an adoption center. One event leads to another, she gets these thuds from the past, sets off on an exploration trail and discovers that she was the victim of one of the bloodiest carnages in independent India’s history. The existential dilemma that grips her has been portrayed beautifully by Sen. Ultimately on knowing the truth she eventually accepts her adopted mother with a trifle more respect and admiration.

The movie brings back into focus one of the biggest banes of our society today- Communalism. Rooted deeply in the past, it conveys the fact that its always the innocent and generally indifferent common man whoz life takes a huge hit each time a riot happens. We see the Congress led government’s ministers and officials actually helping the rioters by giving them voter lists of Sikh families and identifying target families (something thatz been muted in the film—thanks to Censor board and the UPA government in Delhi!). still the analogies aren’t discrete enough—the ‘politician in black spectacles’- a.k.a H K L Bhagat and ‘Kumar’ a.k.a Sajjan Kumar. Sadly many of these tainted guyz are in corridors of power today. The movie actually ends with this very fatalism—the protagonists walk away from a TV screen thatz grimly announcing the torching of the Sabarmati Express at Godhra (that led to the Gujrat riots in 2002). Some things never change and we never learn a lesson from the past, do we? Doesn’t it ratlle tomes inside you to note that merely the fact that an individual belongs to a group that has a version of God that is different from yours—someone could actually get the gumption to butcher the other person and burn him/her alive---not for a minute considering whether the victim is a woman, a helpless child or an elderly person. So much for one’s religion, eh? But the point is it isn’t religion that drives such tendencies..it is people who neither understand nor have anything to do with it in any case. I am sure Sajjan Kumar or Bhagat (what ironical names these rogues had!) knew jack shit about Hindu philosophy or the scriptures and all they did was to boot lick the killed PM’s son and earn positions of power. But then, the brunt is borne by an entire community. Give a thought to how vain this tendency can get…where we build our palaces on a million corpses, wails and curses!
The movie ended with something unprecedented. We had one Ali who picked up the microphone and announced himself as the Creative director or so of the film. He made an empathetic appeal to the sparse audience in an otherwise crowded Fame Adlabs multiplex hall to spread the word among friends and family, if we’ve liked the film and believe in its philosophy cos they simply don’t have the kind of big bucks to go in for a full fledged publicity drive. Contrast this with the publicity that utter trash and senseless movies like ‘Kisna’ receive!! Its sad that we as a society crave for absolute crap when it comes to the arts- be it music or dance or cinema; while serious and introspective forms of expression suffer and struggle for their place under the sun! Considering the fact that this was director Shonali Bose’s debut, it deserved a standing ovation and that’s what the audience gave! In a short Q&A session someone asked Ali who the ‘bespectacled’ politician was…he simply smiled..we had a sardar ji (incidentally the film is attracting a huge sardar crowd!) who stood up, all emotional and stuff and said “this was a brilliant effort…the guy was Bhagat and the person who needs to be hanged many times for being responsible is Rajiv Gandhi. Hell to him”. And the crowd clapped again!! Thanks to movies like this, atleast our politicians don’t get away in public memory of ignominy—forget the flawed legal system, which hasn’t convicted a single politician for any crime!

We walked out of the movie; totally silent and at a loss of words…something that happened somewhere deep inside…history can not be undone… as one of the characters in the movie weeps and says- what justice are you talking about? Will justice get me back my husband who was chopped in broad daylight or my 2-year-old son who was barbarically butchered? But what can definitely be done is that a collective public opinion against exploitation of minds in the name of religion can go a long way in preventing such holocausts in the future.

2005-01-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

Blogspot suxxx…after typing the whole post, something happened somewhere and I lost the whole stuff…its so tough to replicate thoughts!

Anywayz, shall try!

It was an enjoyable weekend for me at Vashi…my Mashi from the US was down for a month or so and the visit was long overdue…Dr Arundhati Rao, is a respected dean of one of the Universities of the US and dabbles with Business and Financial Accountancy there. She had come down with her 6 month old son- Amar. It was nice to see Kaka and Kaki doting over their grandson—after all it had been ages since they’d seen anything of kids, their long list of unmarried sons/daughters being too busy in collecting academic degrees for themselves to find themselves a life partner!

It was quite a strange experience to have a kid all over me—that is something that ive just not been used to, being the youngest of the family for long!

It is always a pleasure to talk to Aru ..she is so easy to talk to, despite all her academic demeanor; verve and enthusiasm mixed together in a rare blend; it is almost like some school girl trapped inside her, just bursting to set free…Among a range of topics that we sat and chatted on—from politics, to religion, movies, societal changes, family gossips ( you-remember-that-aunt’s-second-son’s-niece-who-eloped-with-someone kinds!!), my crushes, her crushes and so on, the discussion veered around the issue behind the movie Swades- that of NRI’s returning to India. And man! Didn’t I touch a raw nerve here! Aru was now a greencard holder and my sweet little cousin was not even Indian, but American by law!

I told her that the extreme step of giving up one’s citizenship and taking up another country’s just doesn’t find takers inside me! The very thought seems so repulsive. I agree that India has its plethora of problems—the oft-repeated ones of poverty, illiteracy, unemployment and the rest…but then as Aru herself agreed, the US is no GREAT place to live in either, that 20 years down the line it wouldn’t be in anyway a much sought after place to make a living if it went on the downward spiral it has ventured into. Politically atleast it has the disrepute of being a rogue nation and a global bully and most of its policies have been as self-destructive as they have annihilated other cultures. Perhaps material opulence and a comfortable lifestyle is all it can offer…this might be an attraction in the initial phases, but once the satiation and frustration sets in and the pangs of loneliness seem to cut through your vitals, the desire to return to your roots would only accentuate. It upset me to note that Amar would be spending his time from next week in a Day care, even while his mom would get busy with her University and dad in his business—far far away from his loving grandparents who dote on him and would bring the house down on even as much as a shriek he would let out!

But this is all being utilitarian…about the benefits that would accrue by living in India, the closeness and warmth of family and friends…but in my view, the issue is more macro…don’t we as citizens of this country have even an iota of responsibility towards it? NO, I am not trying to be preachy here…incidentally people have been writing down Swades on precisely this point—its way too preachy! We have sadly become a nation of hollow people, who have lost all our confidence in ourselves and our own abilities. Hence all those scoffs at the hydro electric experiment that the protagonist carries out, as being too impractical. Sadly this is the confidence that our institutes of technology have instilled in us…they help churn out batches and batches of bright minds who are ready to leave at the earliest opportunity, after having been a leech on the country’s economy and its resources; never to return! All we can do is run BPO units doing cheap back office work for US firms…technological innovation or creativity to us seems impractical. And we as a country hate to be told the truth…we’d rather have the hero and heroine dance in multiple song sequences in Switzerland and Canada; but find it implausible for him to rot in a rural setting like Charanpur! Bravo!

My thoughts go to one man I’ve been greatly impressed by—Ramesh Ramanathan- a BITS-Pilani/Yale Grad, who was heading the Derivatives desk at Citibank London, just decided that he had a larger responsibility towards his people and returned to Bangalore to set up ‘Janaagraha’—a movement dedicated to the cause of ‘Participatory democracy’. It seeks to create a platform where citizens fruitfully and in a non-combative fashion engage the government(mostly at the local self government levels ‘cos that is what touches your life to the maximum extent and that is what we are abysmally unaware of!) to get public projects done. It beats me to see a Ramesh who might have hitherto been in one of the boardrooms of Citibank, lugging it along in dusty by-lanes speaking about his novel concept and dream—the dream of a better India---to community leaders, semi-literate women and children trying hard to hide his anglicized English and touch it up with local flavor by using Kannada idioms and the like! After doing all this, if he cribs that India is gone to the dogs, I don’t blame him or hold it against him…atleast he has tried to move the clock back and swim against the tide…unlike those deserters for whom a little moolah was all that was needed to betray, but would hold it all up against the country as alibis for their non-return!

So Aru asked me if I wouldn’t even think of going abroad, especially if my career so demands. I told her that I definitely would if the opportunity so arise, though it neither is a pre-requisite nor does it add to my social prestige index to be seen cris -crossing foreign lands. There is nothing wrong in ‘going out’ per se, it helps to widen one’s horizon, exposes you to a whole new world and style of living, breaks your monotony and of course fills your coffers. But what is wrong is when your greed takes the better of you and you end up getting assimilated in that country forever, starting with acquiring its citizenship. Make your money, nothing wrong…but sometime, somewhere draw the line and get back! I cant think of a situation where my skills and acumen would on a continual and permanent basis fuel the GDP of America! This is my grouse against NRI’s , who are described in the movie as Non Returning Indians!

At the end of our debate, Aru did appear disturbed, pensive and contemplative…as she looked down at Amar happily enjoying his siesta in his grandmom’s lap, somewhere the rationale must have made sense to her…somewhere she might have figured and feared Amar, 15 years from now, becoming one of those uncouth American teenagers; totally confused about himself and his roots and hopefully somewhere the desire to return must have made home!

2005-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ma's birthday today...and yet another time i am not around to give her a hug! Not feeling too nice about it anyway...Its been 7 years now and its with great religiosity that i seem to miss this day. But then Ma, if you are reading this sometime, somewhere, please do understand that you are being remembered more today than any other and that you'd remain in my thoughts and prayers always...

Happy Birthday Ma:-)

2005-01-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I logged into the cozy environs of this page...not because there wasnt much to write about, but there was a surfeit of things happening! And in the middle of all the muddle it was difficult to decide what to write about and where to start from...if there was the terror and agony of the deadly tsunamis that had brought death and destruction of an unparallelled magnitude, there was also a New year that the world ushered in. If nothing, man lives on hope; the natural human tendency is always to pick up the threads and move on with life--resurrect oneself like the Phoenix. Though a collective sense of guilt engulfed quite a few Indians(sensitive and sensible ones that is!)...it hurts to be partying like there would be no tomorrow, when your country has been hit by its worst natural calamity and thousands of your countrymen wander orphaned, homeless, jobless and hungry. Well, we still had a lot of 'page-three wannabes' who would care any less for anyone's agony and went ahead with their indiscriminate display of wealth and indifference! The world, after all, has and needs some variety!

New year didnt mean much to me this time(it never does in any case!)...over three long days we had the first year ceremonies for Ajji--when, as the priest explained, we bid an official farewell to her and booked her seat in the luxury suite in Heaven! And how do we manage to do this? --by making the most expensive of 'daans' to all those greedy Brahmins who salivated at the very sight of these goodies!

In the middle of the solemn activities of the first day at the Mutt, we were pleasantly surprised to bump into a family which seemed to have been very close to my great grandfather! An old lady in that chatterati kept reminiscing incidents after another about how she used to be played around and pampered by my great grand dad; kept talking of people and characters about whom i had ABSOLUTELY no clue of! And then the obvious had to happen....

I had gone out to get flowers and incense for the proceedings of the day...and Ma and Roopa had to grudgingly give company...one old lady in this muddle happened to be a common friend and she simply couldnt stop raving about "what a wonderful boy Vikram is"...and so fervent were her recommendations that the 5-6 other women folk of the jamboree were already very impressed with this character they hadnt yet met and simply couldnt wait to behold! When i walked in unsuspectingly, i felt singularly uncomfortable at 6-7 middle aged and old women looking at me with absolute awe with the how-long-you-took-to-come-and-we-have-been-dying-to-meet-you look writ large on their faces! Ma went on and on trying to explain the linkages in the process of the introduction and i sheepishly grinned at them all; intermittently touching the feet of a few elderly women there and trying my best to converse in Marathi(literally my mother's tongue!!)...and my fan looked at the others and said 'see, i told you people, such a well cultured boy...who touches elders' feet these days...one in a million..."bla bla bla bla..

Ma signalled me to sit beside one of them--a seemingly sophisticated middle aged woman, whom i later discovered was a Prof at the Bangalore University- the only one among the group who could strike some semblance of an intelligent conversation. " My God...you have THREE degrees to your name? How wonderful! These days chidlren dont study at all...rare to find people like this..even Deepa, my daughter is like this only...always immersed in books..after BCom, she wasnt satisfied, so she went ahead and did Mcom..now been pestering us that she wants to do an MBA...you only tell me, if she goes on studying like this, from where would i get her a groom who is equal to her in qualification.....?" Ahem ahem...woman, why are you telling me all this; i am anyway not going to be spending sleepless nights worrying about how your sweet little Deepa ends up ruining herself a.k.a. getting married!! But then, my old-fan could have none of such innuendoes, she believed in hitting the target straight, head on; no beating around wasteful bushes...she interrupted the lady, looked at Ma and said' what is this? dont you have any conecern for your son...dont you have any plans for getting him married...". Somehow i knew this was coming...the awe on their faces when i gate crashed gave me some incling of the fact that these jobless women were looking at some prospective groom in my poor hapless self. And then the Professor lost her sanity. She put her hand very endearingly around Ma and said -' My daughter is 21..she has finished her MCom...plans to do an MBA now...she is extremely pretty, she can handle things so well you know--both home and workplace...she cooks amazingly well..she is also like Vikram--very cultured, very respectful of elders....'.

I am sure my mother being the wise woman that she is knew this was coming from the beginning...she looked least perplexed or embarassed--in short nothing of what i was feeling:-) She kept nodding, looking at me, even as i tried looking away--totally at unease with my surroundings! Roopa had to barge in and say "wooow...thats exactly the kinds we have been looking for ...i am sure we would like your daughter..why dont we think about this, what do you say Viky"? and gave me one naughty look...Never before in my life have i had as intense a desire to smash her skull, as i had at this temerity of hers! The progenitor of all this nonsense was delighted--" Oh my God! this is absolutely divine intervention...see, it seems to have your dead Ajji's wishes; we have met after decades at her shraddh and we've clinched such a wonderful deal...' bla bla bla...HELLO? Would anyone care to listen to me? I am not some Futures Contract traded on the Bombay Stock Exchange to be bartered away this away and that too keeping someone as dear to me as my Ajji as a pretext!

But my folks were determined to have some fun at my expense; seems to give them some sadistic pleasure seeing me squirm in my seat. Details of that supposed wondrous girl were exchanged...my 'achievements' of the past few years rattled.."oh he sings so well, classical musician he is' and the old lady almost gave out an orgasmic shreik...all this for nearly an hour before which i decided i had had enough. With a stern expression on my hitherto "respectful-of-elders" face, i told them that this was no place to talk about such things, the occasion is sombre and very frankly speaking i am not interested whatsoever in getting knotted up so early in life, and that too with someone i havent even met or spoken to...that i would study more and wedding bells and the like would have to wait for 3-4 years more. A pall of gloom set in...all the expectant and joyous faces, who, till a few seconds back were excited about having successfully ruined yet another man's life, fell to the ground with utter despondency. "But beta, studies is not the only thing you know, you need a companion, life is so meaningless otherwise...moreover Deepa also wants to study you see, you could both study even after marriage..we are not telling you to get married tomorrow, right? you can think, take your time....." Somehow gave decorum a go-by...i had tolerated enough of this for a day! Stood up with this gesture of finality--"I told you i am sorry, and thats IT...kindly dont prolong this any longer; else it will sour your reunion with an old time family friend...i dont intend to be disrespectful of any one of you here, but its just that things that you people suggest arent on my priority list at this point of time..and since its MY life, it is ME and not you people who will have the pleasure of deciding about it. I hope i have made myself amply clear..." and walked off to the room where Dad was performing the ceremonies. I could almost hear the looooooooooong sighs behind me, like some after-currents of a tsunami that might have hit these old blokes.

All through the day, Ma and Roopa had a hearty laugh--for a change even dad seemed to join in the revelry....they ended up finalising the entire course of my life and what twists and turns it should take in the next few years:-) However later in the day Ma told me that i shouldnt have over-reacted that way..should have simply sat back like her and had fun...but come on! you cant continue to have fun when the object of ridicule is you, yourself! Ma has had such sadistic pleasures since a long time and her face lights up each time such crap crops up..invariably since people get petrified by Dad's totally hostile and inaccessible countenance, they choose her as their ultimate conduit and she revels in the confidence people invest in her! Its such a pain to be a 'Marketable Security'...Heart of hearts i knew that but for my outburst, by end-of-day, plans would have been made about how many children iam supposed to have and when and which school would be the best to put them in!

Phew!!

Any wonder then as to why i loathe my relatives' company!?

2004-12-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

After a series of movies, it was then the turn of music to rule roost for a while…25th, 26th and 27th of December were soaked in music…but unlike what Shakespeare thought, surfeiting the appetite didn’t sicken and so die! Dr. Prabha Atre Foundation was celebrating the centenary year of legendary Hindustani vocalist Hirabai Barodekar and a series of concerts were being held at Vile Parle to commemorate the same. Sagar and me bought tickets and decided that we would attend. And what a treat to the soul and ears it was! Over 3 days we managed to witness some fine music by some of the stalwarts of the Indian classical style. Dr Prabha Atre ( she sang Raag Shyam Kalyan, Chandrakauns and Tilak Kamod), Dr L Subramaniam ( with Bahudhari and Kafi ragas), the legendary Pt. Bhimsen Joshi ( Yaman and Bhairavi), Malini Rajurkar (Madhuvanti and Kafi), Begum Parveen Sultana ( Puriyadhanashree, Maluha Maand and bhajans), Ustads Imrat Khan-Wajahad Khan (Darbari Kanada) were some of the artists we managed to hear. Couldn’t get lucky enough to hear Kishori Amonkar, Pt Hariprasad Chaurasia, Pt Shiv Kumar Sharma and Pt Birju maharaj as my own concert was at stake! It was the most unprepared rendition that I’ve ever dabbled with. But all was well that ended well…the audience seemed to like whatever I dished out- Raga Nata. Hindolam and Sindhu Bhairavi. At the end of it all, for all the tension, it went off well!

December 26th there was a rare event I intended to attend…one for which Shubha Mudgal ji had sent a personal invitation. Some of the old records of one of the greatest icons of Hindustani music Smt Kesarbai Kerkar of the 1930’s or so were recovered by Shubha ji and her husband Aneesh Pradhan. The same were digitally re-recorded and brought back for re-circulation among the public domain, under the name of ‘Living music from the past’ series. It was too tempting an invitation to turn down and so I made a trip all the way to Matunga on a Sunday morning. Shubha ji was there right at the entrance---she is always such a pleasant and wonderful person to speak to! The programme began with a talk by musicologist-historian Dr Ashok Ranade. His witty and insightful interventions on the life and times of Kesarbai and music in general, laced with some dialogues in Marathi were a veritable treat! This was followed by a listening session of the CD’s and some of the best pieces of Kesarbai’s music in a variety of Raags—glimpses atleast—was the most beautiful thing to listen to. After the event, during a discussion, I suggested to Shubha ji if she could do a similar exercise with Carnatic musicians of yore—perhaps start with someone no less than Smt Subbulakshmi. She seemed pretty inclined. I in fact mailed her a rare photograph of MS and Kesarbai—two ‘peerless divas’ of their respective styles!. It seems MS gave charity concerts to help Kesarbai set up her famed scholarship fund—something which has helped many of today’s top notch Hindustani vocalists to establish themselves under learned gurus. Pity that such camaraderie and friendship is singularly lacking in the musicians of these two great styles among today’s generation! I do hope this idea takes greater shape as also other ideas that cropped up in mind as I heard the voice of the 1930’s—in raptures!

Overall, one of the most satisfying weeks of the year---pity that I had to wait for the last week of the year for this—but then, better late than never!

2004-12-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

The last week has been a veritable Film festival for me:-) After long, i caught up with the cinemas in town and boy! what an amazing tale each has been! To see three classic movies like Khamosh Pani, Swades and Raincoat(premiere show!) is after all little less than a film festival!

All the three stories have been so captivating; with some of the most brilliant screenplays, acting and direction. Kirron Kher(yeah shez got another 'r' in her name now!) looked cut to the character of Ayesha in the Pakistan of the 70's. It's a small, almost frail film held together by a great inner strength of conviction. In some sense, "Khamosh Pani" is exactly like its protagonist, the spirited Ayesha who's at once a prototype of history's casualty and a fiercely individualistic woman who has survived political and personal holocausts and traumas with aplomb...only to be defeated finally by forces that sometimes flourish in our very backyard. The movie is in chaste Punjabi--something i initially felt terribly uncomfortable with--but, somehow without my knowledge i slipped into the comfort zone, as the narrative caught on. Through the movie, it is gestures, suggestive undercurrents, long, yet meaningful silences that seem to convey the message more articulately than words could possibly do...no doubt the significance of the word 'Khamosh pani'---and like the uncomplaining water, which finally swallows the protagonist, the film stands apart from its characters to let them create their own spatial harmony within the given theme of dissonance and destruction that is brought about in the wake of communal frenzy and hatred. Punjabi plays, movies, folk themes and music seem to have this heart rendering theme of Partition and its after math--after all it was the heart of the Land of the five rivers that was sliced and bore the maximum brunt of the lunacy that gripped our subcontinent in 1947. There was this distinct pathos visible even in some of the songs i recently heard in a concert of noted Punjabi Folk singer Gurmeet Bawa. The movie does more than justice to this existential crisis that our brethren in Punjab faced(or still continue to face).

If this was depressing in a way, 'Swades' brought with it a glimmer of hope--hope in the middle of all our unsatiable pessimism and cynicism. Shahrukh Khan,as Mohan Bhargava -the protagonist has perhaps given some of his best and most sensitive portrays in this movie. His vacant eyes as he sits through the bumpy dusty ride to a village(reminsicent of my Pilani trips!!) somehow seemed to haunt me. They didnt need to speak much to convey what they felt! I guess never before has he conveyed so much pain through his eyes.It just goes to show that even for someone who has had a lucrative job at NASA and who hasnt touched anything but mineral water in his life, to see a kid at a country side railway station exult at getting 25 paise for a kulhar of earthern water can turn up tomes inside you! Fortunately it isnt Bollywood-style jingoistic and loud, crass patriotism where actors cut their wrists in front of a huge portrait of 'Bharat Mata' and mothers berate their sons to lay their lives for the nation and crap on those lines. it is so very practical, plausible and yet fraught with hope for the future. Ashutosh Gowarikar seems to have this amazing knack for making movies that instil optimism, that bring out the theme of history being nothing but class struggle and the ultimate victory of conviction. There were moments in the movie when my eyes went moist--the meeting of the protagonist with his old foster mother and the traditions therein, the little boy selling water at the railway station, the impoverished family of Haridas, the smile on old Setu's face as her catarct affected eyes glimmer with the glowing of the bulb....strengthened my resolve at the end of the 3.5 hrs that we, or rather me, as an individual needs to do something tangible for this nation, rather than sit and merely crib! My thoughts went back to Ramesh Ramnathan and the wonderful manner in which he had inspired me during our association earlier this year at Janaagraha.

Completing my trilogy of films was 'Raincoat'-something that i had been eagerly waiting to see. The last time i had seen Rituparno Ghosh's work was 'Choker Bali'--i had sat through the Bengali version(half in awe of the raptuous Aishwarya Rai!) and made my best attempt to understand the language i once boasted of being conversant with! Ajay Devgan and Aishwarya have been marvellous in their roles in this movie, as has been Annu Kapoor in his small intervention. Inspired by O Henry, the plot and the manner in which it unfolds is Chekovian in nature with the ultimare Roald-like twist in the tale at the end!A lot gets conveyed using the Raincoat as allegory.The poignancy of the characters especially of Niroo(Rai) is depressingin fact after a point we begin to see Niroo's verbose delusions of marital grandeur as both tragic and funny.What remains with us long after the last frame is the narrative's tremulous nostalgia. Little droplets of memories quiver tremblingly over the trees that arch their branches into the movie's static backdrop. You don't see the trees but you feel the calmness of lives that have gone into emotional remission. It seems to end abruptly somewhere leaving behind a baggage of unsaid thoughts and lines- a lot of food for thought for the audience(thinking ones i mean!) and scope to look back at the narrative and dialogues and read between the lines. It is a classic definition of love as something that surpasses mere physical or sensual gratification, but something that entails with it tremendous amounts of selflessness and sacrifice---something that both the lead characters do in not so much a garrulous manner, but softly, quietly and in the most inconspicuous of ways! Most of all it delineates the innermost recesses of nostalgia in a language that's related more to poetry than prose. Ironically this was the theme in all the three movies i saw this week--where words fail, the eyes take on! Three completely different protagonists and three entirely different settings--Pakistan, rural UP and Kolkata; yet the same underlying theme! Thats the unifying spirit of the arts! Aishwarya's blank expression, her unease at lying about her grandeur and pompous existence, the secrets that the bhabhi's eyes conceal, the torrents of unrequited love that Ajay's eyes seem to barricade---like Dahl's amazing short story--the Eyes definitely have it!

A truly satisfying week i must say when cinema touched the finer chords of life--Bollywood's come of age atlast! But the regret of having missed out on yet another movie i was passionate about seeing--'Morning Raga'--is something that'll keep pinching me on and off!

2004-12-19T01:48:00.001-08:00

Just finished reading Chetan Bhagat's amazing story tale- 'Five point someone'. In more ways than one, the novel brought back memories of my unforgettable days at BITS-Pilani. As much as i cribbed and hated and cursed the place and its inadequecies, when i was there; i would be economical with the truth, if i said i didnt miss those desert dunes--now, that iam sitting in the midst of 'civilization' many, many miles away. The characters of Alok, Ryan and Hari were so much like some of us, the same ragging episodes, the same uninspired and uinspiring Profs, the pathetic evaluation pattern and the more pathetic grades!

I was certainly not in the 5-point league at Pilani, but i was no trail blazer either- barring a single year when i surprised myself by scoring a ten! I was always happy and content with being a little above average or may be even average; because being an 'anti-establishment' kinda person, i knew these didnt matter too much. At the end of those long tortuous years that we put in the pursuit of education, what really matters is what remains...and memorizing Schrodinger's equation or stresses and strains on beams would not ameliorate my life in any tangible way! The entire gamut of a marks-driven education system makes us evaluate fellow human beings by the ONLY yardstick that we know of. Education--atleast higher education---in my view, must aim, not at producing the TEN- nut-cracking- parrots, but help you in becoming a better human being. Many a times, i ponder whether i would have thought differently had i been on the other side of the fence--are all these ramblings a mere grapes-are-sour analogy? On some introspection, i would stick with my ramblings. Its not that i havent tasted the highs of extravagant, puffed up scores on my card...but that was in school and at a time when performance set you apart as wheat from chaff and helped you climb the pedastals of the respected portals of higher learning...but having got there, if one still doesnt forsake the school-kid mentality and instead channelizes all their energies in the pursuit of those double digit GPA's; a loser is what such a person can be called as.

No, but wait..i dont agree entirely with Bhagat either...if a person(like many i know of) can quite effortlessly manage to maintain his impeccable records, then hats off to the true genius. Chetan, in his narrative, tends to fall into the trap of the oft-repeated stereotype...a ten pointer(like Venkat in his book) neednt always be the one who is heartless, totally insensitive and salivates at the sight of grades...nor is it necessary that a five-point lowest like Ryan is the all-too-intelligent-but-i-care-a-damn-about-academic-excellence kinds, who is oozing with the milk of friendship and comradiere. We all humans lie somewhere in between as shades of grey.

To me these formative years in one's lives--perhaps the first time many of us would be leaving home--should be exercises at self-development; times when we learn to fly by ourselves without our parents having to hand-hold, to enjoy and learn to utilize responsibly the independence that we are bestowed with, to learn the art of self-management(no moms here to keep your breakfast ready and clothes ironed or dads to handle your bank accounts!); learn co-existence with friends of varied backgrounds and interests, nurture some of the most treasured friendships in life; expose yourself to a plethora of extra curricular activities which go a long way in shaping one's holistic personality...and in the process also pick up some worldly knowlegde of Physics and Chemistry and the rest!! The tendency to look down upon someone who has a comparitively lower CGPA, the perennial "whats your CG for u to talk like a stud?" questions really show nothing but unadulterated naivete and lack of maturity...after all the one with a 5-point something CG also has two hands, two legs and the rest as the ten-pointer stud! In this context, fie upon all those companies, which make academic performance as the whole-and-sole criteria for their recruitment process...while i agree that you cant possibly hire a person whoz failed in every course he's registered, measuring excellence to the second decimal place of a candidate's CGPA speaks so lowly of that company's priorities...and the treasures they might be missing in the process...a man(or a woman!) to me, is not his(or her!) CGPA only, but CGPA also!

All said and done, i now better pull up socks and salvage my pathetic, sinking grades at B-school :-) While in Rome, be a Roman!!

2004-12-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

I have actually survived December 13th! I wasnt too sure of how i would go through the day...had many plans for the evening, including some quiet time with myself either at the krishna mandir or Juhu beach...but then surprises, they say, bring great happiness! And it was a complete surprise that UN actually mailed me about it(wonder how she managed to remember!) and asked me to meet her...when i did, we decided that we'd drive down to her Worli residence and sing through the evening...and i instantly agreed. In a small room there, with agarbattis lit in front of a snap that i took along, we sang and sang and sang ,with the tanpura in the background, till our voices went hoarse! Steeped in devotion, each of the bhajans brought with them a strange calmness on me and at the end of it all, i could almost feel the presence around me--just as it used to be at home, whenever i got my tanpura down to sing for her a marathon quasi-Classical concert :-)
With hands folded UN said in a poignant tone--"i salute the motherhood that has gone into making someone like this boy beside me!"...my eyes cudnt help but overflow!

Strangely at the end of the day, the tunes, the meditation, the positive energy that we generated is making me feel so much more light, at ease and in complete harmony with myself and my surroundings....atleast for today, i dont want to spoil the serenity by looking back! i know that she lives...and she lives through me!

2004-12-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

It is with disbelief and grief that i greeted the news of the passing away of veritably one of the greatest legends of contemporary Indian Music- Bharat Ratna M S Subbulakshmi. I felt a sudden grief engulf me, as though i had lost a family member. She is in fact a family member in millions of South indian families who wake up each day to her immortal Suprabhatams and for whom the world of Carnatic music is synonymous with her! What a woman! Despite these trails that she had blazed, MS, as she was lovingly called, was as humble as humble could get...epitomizing the role of the Mira that she had played in a yesteryears' movie. Divinity , complete submission to the divine, a voice steeped in devotion---an idol of hundreds of thousands of music lovers across the world who thronged to her concerts; to see her sit in rapt attention, eyes closed, her diamond nose rings glittering as much as her fast paced bhrigas with a glow on her face which comes after ages of penance. She was, in my view, a gana tapaswini.
That voice has been rated peerless from the shy days of her debut when it soared like the high-pitched notes of a bird in springtime. Few other artists have been as successful as Subbulakshmi in the melding of the conscious and the unconscious, the inborn and the reflective elements of her art.

It is said that shortly before his assassination, Mahatma Gandhi requested M S Subbulakshmi to record his favourite bhajan for him. She did not know that song. But how could she not learn it for him when Bapu said he would rather hear her speak the song than someone else sing it? It was a marvel of a feat for a woman those days to enter and rule the Carnatic music stage which was a male bastion. And MS did it so effortlessly, without even realising that she was the Empress! The first woman receipient of the Sangita Kalanidhi, the first Carnatic vocalist to popularize the art in the West, receipient of the Bharat Ratna---these awards got their meaning when conferred on her! In my view, her greatest contribution to carnatic music was re-establishing the element of Bhakti in the music, which had been the foundation of the style immortalised by the Trinity and the singing bards, but which had hitherto been compromised by many purist musicians for the sake of musical gimmicry and arithmetic brilliance and jugglery. While she sang in more than 10 Indian languages, none of the renditions were done without understanding the meaning of the songs and internalising the inherent Bhava or emotion.

On a personal note, i remember meeting MS when i was too young to realise that i was face-to-face with veritably the incarnation of Goddess Saraswati. I must have been around 10-11 years old then. And to my innocent eyes, she looked no different and loving than my own grandmother...frail, humble, absolutely no airs about herself ( i had heard her discussing Pulioyogarai recepies with my grandmom!) and completely loveable! She was in Bangalore to release the album of select compositions of my great grand uncle who was a celebrated composer-musician in the royal court of Mysore...after the function(what a fool i was to have stayed out, playing with a couple of friends rather than attend the concert!); she made a fletting visit home...when told that i was learning music too, her face had beamed with a childlike happiness..."Nalla practice paNNu, kaNNa..." is all i remember of what she had told me, when i was made to take her blessings!

Invariably my thoughts have been going to that fleeting, yet everlasting encounter with the Empress of Indian Music. Its tough, nay, impossible to find a replica to MS. None would be able to emulate her devotion, sublimity and musical honesty. It is with a deep sense of remorse that i pray that her soul finds everlasting peace!

2004-12-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

I had decided not to fill in too many posts for this month, rather wait for it to pass...but somehow the happenings of the past 2 days necessiated my meeting my ultimate punchbag--my blog! Well, its been a rather disappointing day--the kind of stories about me that i heard were doing the rounds in spicmacay circles, the turn around by someone whom i had hitherto considered a very close confidante(i cudnt trust my ears that GB would turn this way!)..there was this strange restlessness that engulfed me after hearing the entire story; it lingered on through last night and i cudnt catch an inch of sleep..got up with such a heavy head and a crouching stomach that lingered on through the day..didnt even feel like having lunch...somehow i cant face it when people i considered close suddenly decide to emulate the chameleon...for no reason whatsoever! SD, GB...people who at some point of time mattered a lot; but now for no reason have ended up antagonizing me in the way no foe would! Strange are the twists and turns of life!

By evening it was getting pretty stifling and i decided that i had had enough of it..the Bombay times carried this ad about a concert of 'sandhi raags' at the Iskcon auditorium in Juhu...just to get my mind off this crap, i got off to Juhu..luckily managed to get the tickets...Pt Rajan and Pt Sajan Mishra's Hindustani vocal it was..always a treat to the ears and soul...beside me there was a young foreigner, good looking and had the features of a typical yogi--the proverbial radiance emanating from his face, no one cudve missed noticing him! The concert started..the Mishra brothers started off with Raag Kaushiki Kaanada and exposed it to the sublimest extents...this was followed by raag Durbari and a rare Tarana in Malkauns.Through the concert a couple of times i glanced at my neighbour and he was sitting cross legged on the chair, eyes closed, shaking his head now and then each time the raag took an interesting twist..it was truly a pleasure to see the way he was enjoying the music--literally soaking himself in it...in the row in front of us we had a couple of guys--seemingly artists themselves--who, after a while, cudnt seem to hold their attention and drifted into occasional chatter and giggle...suddenly they;d get out of their jibber and shout 'Kya baat hai' and slip back to their noisy shells!! so much so that even Rajan ji had to admonish them once saying 'Bhai, kripya thodi shanti rakhiye'.

I too was getting irritated with these high decibel interjections...listening to a concert is an art in itself where you take off on this journey of the raag either with the artist as your conductor or chart your own course...potholes like these chattering men certainly act as speed breakers in this journey. i tried giving them D-looks but none of it worked...till our young yogi got irritated to the extent that he opened his eyes in irritation..shook the guy in front and said-" Look here mister, no onez forcing you to sit here and listen to the concert...if talking is what you want to do, kindly leave the hall..but you have NO right to disturb those of us who are here to enjoy the music"....that was IT ! the gori chamdi did the magic i guess...none of them opened their mouths after that and we had a wonderful time till the end of the concert..

As we walked out together, i cudnt help but congratulate my friend for his brave act! He smiled and said 'I am amazed...how can Indians be so oblivious of their own culture? They dont realise that they have an unparalleled culture..but what we also see is the ignorance about themselves and their roots is also unparallelled...take those jerks sitting in front of us for instance...what a pain in the $#% they were"!! i was stumped...i requested him for an intro and he told me he was American--James Allen--who came to india 6-7 years ago...accidentally he happened to attend a concert where he heard Pt Jasraj and that was IT...he said he felt he had found his calling..he had always been deeply spiritual, though Christianity didnt satisfy the yearnings of his soul...but he felt Indian classical music--which isnt the prerogative of any religion per se--could establish that direct link with Divinity like nothing else could! He decided to stay back in india for a while and pursue music here! And has been learning from a very reknowned musician in Mumbai ever since!

He asked me--did u understand why they sang the Raags that they did? I wasnt too sure--i said Sandhi raag perhaps meant evening/night raags and all of them were night melodies. He smiled and said 'yeah thats true no doubt..but there is more to it...sandhi is a sanskrit word for Union..a merger of two dissimilar things to produce something new and outstanding...Kaushiki Kaanada is a product of Malkauns and Darbari...the same Gandhara and Madhyam..couldnt you notice the amalgamation of these two in the rendition...they wanted to show us how these raags sounded individually and in union!" My jaw seriously dropped...i gave him a hug and said " James, i have no words to speak...im humbled by your knowledge...i have realised today that despite the 14-15 odd years of learning music myself, how little of it i know and understand" Truly,my happiness knew no bounds...Here was a man who didnot belong to this country by birth, but surpassed all of us in his knowledge of the land--atleast those nincompoopish chatterati who sat there polluting the auditorium! He told me we could meet up a couple of times; he had a large collection of rare gramophone records of which we could have an exclusive listening session! He was also very curious to know more about Carnatic Music which always remains an enigma for a vast majority of music lovers!! i assured him that whatever little i knew, i would share with him!

After a small dinner together, we parted ways...mind totally at ease, in fact filled with exhiliration! Gone were the thoughts of all those boorish Spicmacay buffoons--they could hang themselves up in a loooooooooooong rope which i would sponsor if they so desired. they were certainly not worth my time and sentiments..! as a coincidence a friend of mine sent me an sms which read " We rubbed the sacred powder of culture on our forehead but the stain of barbarity refused to go..."-- a verse of Kaifi Azmi! How very true with respect to some of our power-hungry, shallow champions of the "movement" !! and in contrast, what a human being i get to meet at the end of such a horrible, lousy day:-))

2004-12-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

Have been totally at unease with myself through the day...right from the time I opened my eyes and the calendar seemed to have been changed by my roommate and i saw 'December' peering at me with a certain sense of triumph. 'See, ive got back' he seemed to say...

It was supposed to the day when after years and years of dreaming and talking about it, the website that I had been planning for my erstwhile spicmacay chapter at Pilani was to finally see the light of day...i was pretty kicked about it till last night, when i sat on till 3 giving some final touches here and there...but even that evanesced this morning...and the couple of nice things that people who saw the site had to say were also lost on deaf ears...

Just wanted to be left alone...the mandir seemed a nice place...for a while...till a few middle aged women trooped in and started their incessant talking in animated Marathi...thought of the lake...was real nice to sit there throwing pebbles..till ofcourse a few love bird pairs from Bhawans college made their way there, making me feel all the more uncomfortable...may be my bed was the best destination...and i hit the sacks in broad daylight...didnt want to go out for dinner too, but then, societal pressure is something thats difficult to counter...so sauntered along....and sat there for the heck of it--mere physical presence kinds!

But by the time the dust and din of the day settled, the reality hit me with a bang...its been one FULL year..since i faced December 2003. The one month saw me losing two people, who in various capacities meant a lot to me--one always and the other at that point of time(it would be unfair to the former if i equated the two!) One i lost to my own stupidities, indecisions, apprehensions and insecurities; the other to Fate. And Ive ACTUALLY survived this loss? Im still breathing, so it seems like I have ! Atleast i didnt think i could ever spend one full year without getting patted to sleep on those frail laps and those wrinkled hands stroking my tired foreheads....that was enough to energize me in the midst of every strife, every tribulation.
Even as i was thinking of this, with Jagjit singh's ghazals to give me company, the emotions got the better of me...torrents of saline water cant be kept constrained by the fragile dams called eyelids after all...

And just when i was thinking of the person, i got a buzz from KT...my ultimate hope and succour! My hands involuntarily went towards the mobile phone and i buzzed KT...
Talking to KT for a loooong time after eons, really helped ease my heart; atleast temporarily...its difficult for me to lie to him...nor can i cloak my emotions in feigned smiles and giggles...its just not possible! and so there was just these long, meaningful silences interjecting the conversation...the disconnect of the talk--one topic to another to yet another spoke volumes of the mess within..but hey, i know this is temporary..it shall pass away too..."sainkadon patthar, Ek aina ..kab thak aakhir, aakhir kab thak"is what Chitra Singh seems to think and rightly so! aah! i just want this month to pass off soon...and i dont want to talk abt this to anyone and everyone--well, i told KT the same. Its my prerogative and choice about whom i want to unburden with...hey! somethingz wrong with the day...just as i write this, my winamp plays this apt Ghazal of Jagjit-now i dont know if one can call this a mere coincidence!

Baat nikalegi to phir door talak jaayegi
Log bevajah udasi ka sabab poochenge
Yeh bhi poochenge ki tum itne pareshaan kyun ho
Ungaliyan uthengi sukhe hue balon ki taraf
Ik nazar dekhenge guzre hue saalon ki taraf
Chudiyon par bhi kai tanzir kiye jayenge
Kaampthe haathon pe bhi phikre kase jayenge
Log zaalim hain har ek baat ka taana denge
Baaton baaton mein mera zikar bhi le aayenge
Unki baaton ka zara sa bhi asar math lena
Varna chehre ke taason se samajh jayenge
Chahe kuchh bhi ho sawalat na karna unse
Mere baare mein koi baat na karna unse...
Baat nikalegi to phir door talak jayegi...

Aaah! Wish i could put time on a fast forward mode of a month....

2004-11-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

Mughal-E-Azam is in the news once more...44 years after its first screening. The colorized version of the movie has had audiences trooping theatres.The film was only partly in color when it was first released in August 1960. The production costs of the film were then rumored/estimated to be around Rs. 1 crore (10 million), at a time when a movie could be made at about 1/10th of that budget. Grandeur was its producer K. Asif's strength. It felt real nice to be watching in a Multiplex a classic movie such as this, which perhaps my parents might have watched as kids in a theatre standing in a queue to buy tickets!! Most of the lead artists and the producer are dead and gone--yet the name of the movie is enough to attract crowds!

'A work of art' is the only phrase to describe this historical whose grand palaces-and-fountains look has an epic sweep. High drama is what it is all about--backed by powerful dialgoues; mostly in chaste Urdu(much of it seriously went over my head!), lyrical beauty and musical excellence of Naushad. Add to this the presence of the ravishingly beautiful and evergreen Madhubala with the stunningly powerful performance of Prithivraj kapoor--the movie becomes little short of an epic! The story is based on the all too popular love story of Prince Salim and the Mughal Court danseuse Anarkali. The tenderness of the whole relationship; the innocence therein, the use of such media as a lotus floated over a stream of water to communicate love-letters---all this is the world of Instant messages, SMS-es and e-mails, where the hero or heroine is supposed to scream from atop roof tops or gyrate in the middle of traffic to proclaim their love for the other:-) What a welcome change this was!

K Asif's mastery over the medium is evident in the tense sequence where Akbar thunders into Salim's chambers and catches him with Anarkali. The director refrains from employing dialogue here. Anarkali faints in Salim's arms. In doing so, she breaks his string of pearls. The sound shatters the ominous silence. This has a far more devastating effect than any heated exchange!! And Akbar walks away in a huff!

The end is however poignant...after becoming Salim's 'wife' for one night, Anarkali surrenders after ensuring that her loved one slips into unconsciousness. Madhubala's stone-like countenance by this time is really disturbing. We wondered how, if the story was true, did Salim manage to get up the next morning to realise his beloved was no more and still reconcile with his father who had brought this misery on him!? How did he manage to maintain his calm? how did he end up becoming Emperor Jahangir and marry Noor jahan; whom history books say he loved more than his life:-)? Strange! Lot of googling on the life and times of Anarkali yielded precious little. The story of this unfortunate court dancer, if true, has been lost to posterity as much as she was lost to the world, since everyone thought she was buried in the wall. But the movie explains that Akbar actually took pity on her and ensured she escaped from a secret exit and lived a life of incognito ever after...how come she never managed to meet Salim later? how come she didnt reappear when Akbar died? Interesting questions--to which history has no answer!

All said and done, a thoroughly enjoyable experience; though the poignancy with which the film closed out on Anarkali's fate and the blankness on her face left me a bit depressed for a while! The haunting tunes of "Mohe panghat pe nanda lal chhed gayo re" and the legendary "Pyaar Kiya tho darna kya"--both by the nightingale of Indian cinema Lata Mangeshkar and the awesome thumris by Ustad Bade Ghulam ali khan--'Shubh din aayo" and "Prem jogan ban gayi" are still ringing in my ears.....

2004-11-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

Death and proximity to it have always intrigued me, made me curious. It helps to encounter death and stare at it, straight in the eyes, many a time in life. For long, matters hitherto considered esoteric, that related to life and death have caught my attention; with this burning desire to unravel and demystify the abstruse.No doubt then that a chance wander round Fun Republic book store led me straight to this book titled ‘ Dialogue with Death- a Journey through Consciousness’ by Eknath Easwaran, an author I’ve heard a lot about, but never gotten lucky to read. I immediately picked the book and sat down through wee hours of the morning sifting through chapters. The book uses the famed story from the Kathopanishad of Nachiketa, the mythical Brahmin teenager who meets the Lord of Death and learns the secret of life from him, as the background to unravel many treasures. Nachiketa and Savitri are two mythological characters who have drawn me towards them like no one else has. The power behind someone or something mortal and corporeal challenging something that is infallible and destructive has too much of a magnetic pull.

From every microbe to the biggest, the brightest, the most intelligent, the most beautiful, the most sensuous, the most powerful, the richest—has to face one inescapable reality in life and that is death. How often can we even imagine ‘ourselves’ as a “body” lying on a pile of woods ready to be lit with (hopefully) some people around to shed tears on our ‘departure’! In the Mahabharat, the episode of the ‘Yaksha prashna’ is a poignant one; where the Lord of Death in the guise of a Yaksha asks Yudhistir what he thought was the most ridiculous and absurd thing in life and he replied that it was the fact that we all see millions and zillions of people and our loved ones around us dying, yet none of us ever feel we are going to join league. Reminds me of the allegory behind T.S. Elliot’s verse where he watches the crowds pass over London bridge- all faceless and nameless in the morning fog—coming from nowhere, going nowhere—and suddenly sees the passage from this world to the next. London disappears and he is Dante, standing at the edge of the river Styx on his way to the land of the dead. “So many! I had not thought death had undone so many”. Is it the same for us? We all know the answer, but seldom act as if we knew it! Well…People snigger at me at times when they see me indulging in such ‘trivialities’ and ‘banter’; but me being me, would care any less for people or their opinions about me or my interests!

I cant but help putting down—in parts--- the wonderful preface that Eknath has written to this book. “ Dialogue with Death is not really a book on death and dying. It is a book about life and living; what life is for, who we are as human beings, why we are here. Yet it is death that forces these questions on us. If we could live forever, there would be little urgency in finding answers. But the fact is that whatever our age or the status of our health, none of us has time to waste in learning what life is for! In this sense, then, death is a friend- not the clinical experience of dying, but the fact of our mortality. We begin to take life seriously when we take our death seriously. Otherwise as Thoreau said, we run the risk of discovering, when we come to die, that we never lived.

This is not a negative observation. It is completely positive, for it brings life into focus. Every moment is precious, each day should be full of meaning. Once we grasp this, we find there is no time to squander on anger or depression, no time for quarrelling with those we love.

In a biological sense, each of us is engaged continuously in a dialogue with death. The processes of life and death proceed together from the moment we are conceived. And of course, there comes a time when life begins to lose ground. At that point, as far as biology goes, we enter the second half of life, a losing battle in which most of us hope for little more than to slow the advance of time. The first part of life merely sets the stage for the drama we are born to play. this is the time for experimentation, when we play with life’s toys- money, pleasure, power, possessions, prestige- and learn for ourselves what they are worth. Many people never go beyond this phase. It is only when we throw away these toys and begin to search for answers to those essential questions- Who am I? Why am I here? What is life for?—that we really begin to live.

Death is only a door, and dying no more than a change of rooms. And I look on death as a friend, for it has taught me to live completely in the present, full of faith and free from fear…”

And I read on with an almost fanatic frenzy…each page is, trust me, an epic in itself!

2004-11-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

The week that went by was one spent with quite a degree of nostalgia and reminiscing the days that went past. Over two days I was transported to two decades back in the past! It began first with a voice mail I got from nowhere…I almost let out a shriek when I heard the message. It was my friend from Cottons who works for Samsung in Korea. He had come down to Bangalore and wanted to meet up. And meet we did, the very next eve at Woody’s! Nilav Bose was always the gentleman of the batch and it was heartening to note that he continued to remain one! Time and tide and continents hadn’t changed him—he had just added on a few kilos and for the better! We spoke for nearly two hours till the waiters started giving us D-looks imploring us to vacate! But we didn’t care a damn- after all there was lots to catch up on…we’d been good friends right through ISC as we went through those turbulent years of uncertainty. A focused, intelligent, well-mannered, soft spoken and suave gentleman that he was (is); Bose was quite the pet of many a teachers in school. Most of them saw in him a potential future IIT-ian! But somehow things turned topsy turvy. JEE didn’t work out too well and nor did ISC give him much comfort. May be this didn’t go down too well with him and our pal just disappeared into his closet…I tried all I could to get in touch with him, but in vain. None seemed to know whats happening at his end. Some said he’d gone to Roorkee, someone else spoke of Jadhavpur…it was only now when I spoke to him that I realized he was at REC Durgapur doing his Mechanical Engineering and ever since in South Korea. It was truly a lovely evening to sit there in those ‘woody’ cabins and reminisce the friends and who-does-what-now, school, the changes that have come about, curse the princi, laugh at the teachers and their spoofs, my life, his life, lament on our singleton status…truly refreshing!

The very next day was the Aurobindo mini reunion we’d planned after days of dilly-dallying. Finally we met up at Café coffee day in Jayanagar. And a decent number of people actually turned up! It was last minute mails and sms-es that brought the lazy ones out of their shells. People I hadn’t met in some 10 years now—some whom I didn’t want to meet too –turned up. We had all brought old school snaps and albums and created a ruckus there trying to identify each other in their old school uniforms! Each of us had tread different paths in life, there was little similarity in the way most of us thought or the things we did in life. But the one common thread of shared experiences and alma mater is what bound us together that starry evening! Ranji came up with this wise suggestion of driving to Rachana’s place…and somehow most of us seemed to agree. Rachana’s been a friend for quite a few years now and is now a mother of a 4 month baby boy! We thought we should meet her son! It did seem a bit strange though to think of someone who grew with us as the mother of a kid now…but then, that’s indicative of the fact that life has moved on…things have changed…none of us can take any of the others for granted like we would do in school…cos we all have metamorphosed now into different human beings and have our responsibilities and priorities. The thought, while depressing, is a reality that needs to be faced head-on and accepted.

We then made our way to Vilas’s house; met his grandmom and Lavis. It was too much of nostalgia that struck me then…I was here exactly 2 years back and that was when Vilas was leaving for the US. It was such a strange, inexplicable feeling—I was happy for him, yet upset about his leaving, a certain sense of restlessness loomed large. We’d gone into one of the rooms and hugged each other and cried! Those images fleeted down memory lane…life has really moved on and therez so much catching up to do!

We wound up with one crazy ride near school shouting the principal’s name as the night skies peered down! The lady would have gotten a heart attack hearing hooligans screaming her name out in the middle of the night! Wonder why principals are always such hate objects!!!

The evening got over too quickly for comfort, with all of us left wanting for more time. But then it isn’t possible to live in the past forever…these are chapters of life that have had their epilogue long back…at best they can be given a cursory glance; but never re-lived! It would never be like what it was and that’s the fact of life---sooner the understood and accepted, the better!

2004-11-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

All languages seem to have this common refrain--'all good things come to an end", "chaar din ki chandani phir andheri raat"--why the hell? why cant good things last? as they didnt in my case:-) after a really refreshing 2 month stay at Bangalore amidst family, friends and loved ones; in a company that cared and respected me for whatever i am worth--im back to the jungle! Frankly speaking, ive been in quite a trance, dazed state...its still sinking in that ive gotten myself displaced and that the rut would continue with added gusto! Reminds me of a poem I'd written many years back during one such similarly mellow mood--years have passed, but the thoughts seem to remain the same!

The night was heavy and malignant;
Choked with emotions,
Even as we spoke…silently;
We did not need words as crutches-
The eyes conveyed all.
As night transformed into a glorious dawn,
We felt that in the hands of fate
We were a helpless pawn!
As wishes were made of non-existence,
Reality stared at us with persistence!
It was going to happen once again
A part of me was going to depart
Leaving me shattered and helpless.
As happiness is ephemeral
An isle in the vast ocean of despair
As gloom seemed all-pervasive;
In the air, the trees, the birds,
And…Our Eyes!
Even as the moments of departure drew near
There was a lump in the throat
Partly of sorrow, partly of fear
The felicitous smile had faded away
The ethereal eyes were a dam
That controlled the gushing torrents
-Even as we malingered smiles!
How many times would this sordid play repeat?
How many times would we be displaced?
I’m told it’s just a passing phase
Of that long journey- we call Life
But, even as the rickety bus evanesced
All I could do was
Look up to the skies-
Possibly, for an answer!

They say nothing is constant in life but for change...therez a diurnal change happening right from our cellular level; so what are we complaining about. But then a certain degree of stability in life is essential for any man's comfort. I mean, its left to individuals to weigh the same and trade off between what they want in their lives--a stable existence, may be sans a few materialistic opulences, but profuse with relationships and people who matter--or a totally displaced, globe trotting existence rowing through rivers of moolah, but none to share a tear or a smile! Its a tough call for anyone to take...but take they must. And as always, i find myself at the same crossroads, with the same confusion and the same misplaced priorities in life; just praying hard that some day i wouldnt have to regret(like i have in the past) for ignoring or leaving people who might be there today--but gone tomorrow, when i am all set to join them!What would i do then with the degrees accumulated, the riches earned? How much does it take to burn a pyre after all?

Man and Confusion are to me perennial bedfellows--right from the days of yore. Arjuna was confused as hell; he was lucky though to have someone guiding him through the maze. Not too sure if he actually benefitted himself out of the sermon that he was given..atleast in my case i can say, my charioteer is as confused, dismayed, dazed and clueless as i am :-)

2004-11-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

It was with a certain sense of disbelief that I caught up with the news this morning…it was around 10 days back that the Shankaracharya of the Kanchi Mutt was in Bangalore. My music teacher being quite a devoted follower took some of us –‘senior’ students to meet His Holiness. And we sang a few classical pieces to his delectation, even as the seer sat there with his eyes closed and raising his hand in appreciation each time the raga took an impressive turn. It felt so triumphant that day to be sitting in front of a person who is venerated as the veritable Pope of the Hindu community.

But in the uncertain times that we live in, the same seer has been put in prison on charges of murder in a manner that has been quite despicable and questionable. In a lighter vein, Ma commented that perhaps listening to me sing ended him in prison—hope that’s not true though:-)

I for one am no great follower or devotee. ‘God-men’ as a tribe is something that I have always abhorred, as I find it way too strange to be raising someone as human as me—with two eyes, two ears, one nose and as many shortcomings of anger, sorrow, passion and the like—to a pedestal of being Super-Human. But the issue here was once again that of our polity and the manner in which the system treats with utter disdain anything that is remotely related to the Hindus. An attempt similar to this, if done with the Muslim or Christian community leaders would have ensured that the government of the day was shouted down from roof tops as being communal and fascist. Not long ago, the entire nation was put in a compulsive mode of breast-beating on the alleged rape of nuns in some parts of India. The same vociferous groups seem to have gone into a shell when the tallest religious leader of the Hindus is treated like a petty criminal---lodged in an abominable prison, when all our political criminals of the likes of Laloo Yadav are given guesthouses or are house-arrested; and worse some of them are in government! There was absolutely no need to go across states to Andhra Pradesh and capture him in the middle of the night, make him wait for hours in the magistrate’s court, prevent him from meeting his counsel and ignore the plea that being an orthodox old man, his food habits were something that were dear to him!

It just goes to reiterate the strange times that we love in. people forget that India is what it is because it is predominantly Hindu. As much as we might speak about a melting pot of different streams, the predominant color is saffron and that lends to India its characteristic tolerance of all faiths and peoples. We see in different parts of India—be it Kashmir or the North east, when non-Hindu communities become the majority ones, the kind of atrocities that are meted out on the ‘non-believers’ there! Yet, all our ‘secular’ friends sit down with mouths shut and not a whimper or a whine! Its not the person in question here—if the charges are proved the Shankaracharya should be given the worst kind of punishment, doubly so because he would then be guilty of playing with people’s emotions and faith—but till that happens, the position that he is in, the tradition of the Mutt that had been put in place by Adi Shankara himself centuries back, needs to be sanctified and respected. Rome would burn if the pope were to be dragged out of the Midnight mass on Christmas eve and send to jail like any other common mafia goon of Italy! But since this is India with the ‘sab chaltha hai’ attitude, we don’t really mind too much that on Diwali which happens to be a big festival for the Hindus, their pontiff gets zeroed in!

Quite shameful indeed—even for agnostics like me!

2004-11-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

Ok…I am totally zapped, flummoxed, amused and horrified as well right now…and before I forget this totally chaotic and unforgettable kinda experience, I thought I’d better put it down for posterity!
Wound up work a little early today and decided to take the 5:30 shuttle…it takes while till the entire array of buses arrive in procession there and we hop into our respective buses—half dazed, half dead. Today was no exception. Well, I don’t know how comfortable an experience it is when you are waiting for the bus and a woman walks up right in front and gives you one stony stare, measuring you lengthwise with her eyes and glancing looks at places where she’d jolly well not and winds it all up with a sly smile! Well well well. I looked back in disbelief, thinking it was someone else and as usual I had gotten my favorite kela! But NO…there was just a tree behind me and the old guard on his bidi…couldn’t have been either! Ok…I give a confused smile and look away…but the stony stare continues!

Then comes our bus and like always I enter first to catch the seat behind the driver to give my daddy-long legs some space to space itself. And the next minute I see this person sauntering right there. “is someone sitting here?”..”well, no” I say and she cozies herself up with a triumphant smile. Well, none of my concern…radio city is enough to accompany me on the short nap I treat myself to back home…wouldn’t care as much if Satan came and sat beside.

After a few minutes someone elbows me and offers a chewing gum. “No thanks, I don’t chew gum…its bad for health, you know!” and then we get talking
“ Oh is it? You are some major health freak is it?”
“No, I am not…but then why do something knowing pretty well that its not good”
“May be…but most often things we would love to do are the ones that are not good to do”
WHAT??? Whatever…yawn…sleep…

5 minutes pass…our bus gets stuck in the traffic jam on Hosur Road. I suddenly get up and see beside and the stony stare continues. I’ve never been this embarrassed in life before!
“ Hey are you from Delhi” ? she asks.
“No…why?”
“Oh…you are so familiar…I thought we were colleagues in the Gurgaon office? You sure you not from there? “
(what the hell! How can I not be sure where I am from!) “ No…sorry…some mistaken identity…moreover I have a very very common and pedestrian looking face”.
“ (chuckle, chuckle) I don’t know, I’ve been trying to place you since so long….saw you in the cafetaria the other day…and smiled…thought you were the same”
(Oh yes…I remember that toothy smile a few days back!)..Hmmmm…”
“ok…I’m Raagini…you can call me Rags”
“Oh hi! Nice to meet you…I’m Vikram and I wouldn’t like you calling me Vicks. And Rags seems motley…Raagini is more musical!”
“Hehhehee…as you wish…Vicks is a nice suggestion though!!!”

Luckily in the middle, Rohit Murari calls me up from Hyderabad and I try to prolong my conversation with him as long as possible…but beyond a point its imposs, so he hangs up…as if someone was just waiting for that, pat came the words--
“Hey, I think I am falling off the seat…mind if I sat a bit closer?”
( Now now now? Whats happening..is this woman crazy?) well..no..feel comfortable…if you want I’ll move out to the seat next to the driver?”
“oh no no no….you be where you are”

Then the conversation sauntered along what I do, what she does, where I am from, where she is from, what you want to do next, how Bangalore traffic suxxx…how it wasn’t so even an year back….and the usual sweet nothings.
“where do you get down?” she asked
“ well, the next stop…Jayanagar”
“Ok”
And my much awaited stop arrives…I smile and try to make way to take leave….Just while I was doing that and was just about to get down, she says in a voice as loud as loud can get; much to the amazement of fellow passengers, the driver and of course ME-
“hey you know what? I think ive fallen in love with you…if you think the same, I give you time for the weekend to think about it…Bye!”

WHATTTTT????? Now what was that that hit me? I just stood still at the stop for a few seconds…as dazed, confused, flummoxed, starry-eyed as I am now…WAS SHE MAD? Good heavens…supersonic speed isn’t the word! Just couldn’t stop bursting out aloud…people passing by looked at me strangely…I walked back home—all the while laughing to myself and aloud in spells!

The Mumbai railway station incident and this one—the two strangest incidents which I’d perhaps never forget…Rags! I admire your boldness dudette!

2004-11-04T01:53:00.000-08:00

It was me back in my misanthropist shell again…past week has been the usual retreat from people at large…one where I didn’t make any conscious efforts to call anyone up, chat up with someone—both virtually and in person—and maintained an overall low profile for whatever reason. This, till I met up Vinita day before yesterday. She knew something was ailing me and most often than not some of the best advises I have got in life have been courtesy her! It was more like a stroke of luck I thought, that I actually got to meet her when I needed this little dose of showdown. At the earliest opportunity that I got, I started off with my sob story…about how someone’s attitude pisses me off, how someone else makes my blood boil, how somebody else’s call I simply don’t want to attend to, how I feel so damn damn used all the time-‘ people only know taking things from me, but when it comes to giving they evanesce into thin air’---ooh the list was seemingly endless. Vini listened patiently…seemed to empathize and acknowledge all that I gibbered. At the end of it she told me to do this little exercise of writing the names of ten people (other than my parents) who mattered (or atleast I think matter at this point of time)—people about whom I’d like to talk or like to hear from. Against each name write say 5 things that the individual has done that has really touched my life in some tangible way or even a good word spoken at some point of time or a kind smile. And another column cataloguing the meanness, the instances that ticked me off completely; times when I wished I just didn’t know this person and how much better life would be in that case. Seemed like a cost-benefit analysis that I do at work—but since it came from her, I HAD to agree to do it!

I stayed up late the same night and actually did this exercise. First of all choosing the 10 names were by itself a tough call—though she’d told me that there was nothing sanctimonious about the number 10-could be 7 or 13 or anything preferably less than 15.( its like the top 10 funda of ranking colleges). Took quite some effort to actually fill in those grids. For some the pluses kept adding and for others the negatives. For some neither was forthcoming! And to think of it I still put these samples in my top 10 list!

Last evening when I showed Vinita the results of my labor, she seemed mighty impressed. We went case by case to each individual. She asked me to take an unbiased view of the manner in which each of these individuals had made some kind of impact and actually do a trade off with the list of negatives on the other grid. The other thing she told me was to analyze the negatives and actually see how many were truly justified in being named as such. Most often than not it was when X or Y or Z didn’t “listen’ to what I said or asked him/her to do that had earned them that extra black point. Are relationships only a master-slave kind where you ask someone to do something and failing which you think that that is the worst person you might have come across? Hmmm…worth pondering. Actually many of the negatives got scratched off. Yes, made me feel that these should have actually translated as my minuses rather than theirs—I was the one being unreasonable in making those kinds of demands! And in comparison to the pluses many of these simply looked too silly, too small to even consider! After this revision, did we still have people where the trade off tilted unfavorably? Yes, a couple of cases- three to be precise. Straight answer, simple solution—“Jerk them off!!! They aren’t worth it. Just scratch off their names from the paper…they don’t exist anymore…tell that to yourself each morning and you’ll see in a while they cease to exist or matter in your scheme of things”. Bingo! “But don’t trouble yourself and also the others in this sheet who matter, by doing what you are doing for the sake of people who don’t even exist!? That’s being unfair to them, isn’t it?” Yes ma’am, it surely is…this little exercise and that wonderful little talk you gave me on what goes in building and maintaining a relationship or a friendship; left me spell bound. Gave me a new meaning and perspective to things which I hitherto viewed through my narrow kaleidoscope.
Just after that session, I got back to doing what I am best at…yack for hours on the phone with all the people that I could think of 

Thanks Vini for always being there when I’m in doubt, for making me think out of the box… thanks for showing a new light!

2004-11-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

November 1st today…a day that’s celebrated down here as Karnataka Rajyotsava day—the reorganization and formation of the state of Karnataka from the mixture of sorts that it was at the Independence—integrating the three sub segments of Mysore, Hyderabad Karnataka and Bombay Karnataka which were under the Maharajas of Mysore, the Nizam and the Marathas respectively. More than 30 years have passed now and its more of a day of symbolism now—what with the month long jarring music and festivities in and around street corners!

My Rajyotsava day went on with quite a lot of ethnicity and ‘local flavor’ this time…what with a lunch at MTR this noon. Mavalli Tiffin rooms –a name that’s synonymous with the culture of Bangalore and its food freaks, one that strives to serve one of the most ethnic and hygienic varieties of South Indian cuisine; that attracts one and all to its dingy environs in Lalbagh Road (apart from the city’s celebrities, the former Chief Minister S M Krishna was a regular haunt at this place as he caught on some hot idlis and masala dosas after a morning walk!) –has always been a pleasant addiction. The quantity and quality of delicacies that one gets there for a measly 75 bucks is something that needs to be experienced to be believed. You are served so much that the end of it most people walk out tottering!

The evening was made all the more delectable with a LIVE professional Yakshagana performance that I went to. It was a performance by the Keremane troupe of the famed Shambhu Hegde and his son Shivananda Hegde. A folk art of this state that encompasses in its folds music, dance, drama and rich poetry. It was an excerpt from the Mahabharath that the troupe enacted- the one of ‘Subhadra Kalyana’-the abduction and marriage of Krishna’s sister Subhadra by Arjuna. The elaborate costumes, the make up of the artists, the dazzling headgears, the jewelry, the beating of the drums and cymbals and the high pitched accompanying music makes it a complete and thoroughly enjoyable experience.

As I watched the performance for more than 3 hours without even realizing that I was in there for so long, it amazed me how such art forms have continued to exist in this country. Yakshagana is but one example of a survived and surviving folk art. The numerous others that our country can boast of- be it the Langas, Manganiyars and Kalbeliyas of Rajasthan (their uninhibited voice seems to cut across the skies!), the Purulia Chhau and the Bauls of Bengal, Pandavani of Madhya Pradesh, Harikatha in Andhra, Mayurbhanj Chhau and Gotipua of Orissa, Theyyam, Koodiattam and Ottan Tullal of Kerala—the list is endless. Each of these seemingly rustic art forms have in their fold a certain smell of the lands they come from—its like the smell of the sand on the first drops of rain on a hot sunny afternoon. They literally represent the joys and sorrows, dreams and aspirations, apprehensions and celebrations of the species whom everyone talks about but conveniently forgets- the common man! And a lot of India’s “common” folk being rural residents, these art forms bring with them the distinctly rural touch and rusticity along with them—one that the polished classical forms don’t seem to have! Yet another commonality in these forms was the fact that struck me this evening- about India and Indians’ amazing flirtation and interest in story-telling. All of these forms are usually stories—mainly from epics and mythology—that are narrated over an all-night session to the masses. It beings to the fore India’s obsession with tales and the many manifestations of the same.

The performance today was a brilliant catharsis that brought about many aspects in its fold—from wry humor to pot shots taken at the present circumstances laced with subtle sarcasm---the lyrical, musical and theatrical brilliance of the whole thing struck me with a thud! The ease with which the characters delivered seemingly long and complicated dialogues lacing it up with some excellent body language was truly amazing. Somewhere the desire made root that I must try all that is in my control to ensure that these chaps get a wider audience across the country.

By the time the lazy me has gotten down to publish this post, there already seems to have been some success on that resolve!

2004-10-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

The long weekend was something that I had been craving for and thankfully I managed to get it! It was a deserved break and truly energizing, though I am sure I’ll be left cribbing with the Monday morning blues catching up tomorrow on the way to work J

Among the many things that I managed to do this weekend, I am glad I kept up a date that was pending for so many many many days now. Either of us were caught up in some work or the other and kept procrastinating; till we decided that enough was enough and that it was high time we made it. So Friday eve was frozen for an evening of chat (and Chaat) at the cozy Woody’s restaurant. And im so glad I did finally manage to meet Ms Mithuna SrinivasanJ

For a long time the channels of communication were emails and sms-es and fone calls. But the impersonal nature of these channels can get pretty frustrating at times. As she herself said “ I cant carry on speaking with this unknown, unseen, faceless person” How true! Moreover the two of us were obviously driven by the powerful strings that emanated from the USA…Vilas was getting as militant as he could that I better meet up soon and dutifully pass on a report to him about my “opinion” ( whatever that might mean!)…

18 years or more are what have gone behind the friendship that Vilas and me have painstakingly nurtured. It wouldn’t be a clichéd exaggeration for me to say that we’ve literally grown up together. Ma almost considers him like another son of hers and cant stop remembering our times together! Still seems like yesterday when this cherubic thing was dropped by his mother to school and he’d cry and bring the school roof down on leaving her! Till it took all of our efforts to make him ‘feel at home’. Aunty would ensure that I assumed the big-brother role for him always—see to it that he studied well, see to it he didn’t get into tangles, see to it he didn’t enter the water when we went to Pondicherry, see to it he learnt his Hindi well…boy, the list is endless! But I ensured I didn’t do all of that ‘cos I always believed that self-experience is the best teacher and the drive must come from within –and it will, as it has in his case eventually!

I’ve lost track of the zillions of pranks that we played in school; though most often I managed to get away because of the straight face I managed to keep and the reputation that went behind me of being a ‘good student’! Still all this didn’t seem enough for the haggard Ms Arpita ‘The Blue whale” Ganguly who tried to teach us Geography—something that neither of us understood or appreciated –to prevent herself from throwing us out of class more often than not. I’ve learnt more Geography standing or kneeling outside class than inside! And of course Shyamala “the Dhing” Mohan who made us do weird (witch)craft with crape paper and wax and what nots and end up “making pickles out of our knuckles”. No, it wasn’t always the demoniac ones that accosted us…we did flirt along with the seductive Miss KM—what did she teach us? Aah…well who cared, we were busy seeing something else, weren’t we?! We did lose tracks for a while and for some strange unknown reasons…but glad we hit back soon enough. It was an emotional moment when he packed bags to the USA 2 years back and I remember how mightily upset I had been..it was hard stifling tears…but one has to let go; after all…

It was with this historical baggage that I was setting forth to meet someone who would probably end up spending the rest of her life with him. And it just took a few minutes for me to end up admiring the woman! The strength of character, the clarity of thoughts, the decisiveness, the sharp features, the nice things that she had to say about Lavis and more importantly the fact that she’d cut herself to the role of mothering my nincompoopish friend were more than enough to make her likeable—in fact surfeit!

And for once I was made to feel I was sitting on a ‘Hard Talk’ session with Tim Sebastian on the other end and the spotlights glaring on my sweating brows! From some vague description of myself through a third person as being so cute and likeable (heavens!) that anyone who’d meet me would end up falling in love with me (ahem! Ahem! I didn’t know this in 25 and half years myself!!) to a startling description of Vandy---oh yeah, the long years when she was touted as the ‘ultimate woman in my life’ ( eeeeeeks! )--- I had my jaw dropping at every instance! Then the obvious question “tell me about your personal life”. Personal? Life? Me? –well the pretences didn’t work; sadly for me! May be sensing my discomfiture, she began with hers even without me asking for any of it! And the end of it- “Ohhh, I talk a lot…now its your turn”…but ofcourse being the civilized young woman that she is “ Don’t talk about it if you aren’t too comfortable you know…” …No, but strangely, by now, I was not too uncomfortable and out came the skeletons tumbling one after another! Wonder what she thought about the whole thing then!

I know I had to put my foot in the mouth and make my characteristic disdainful statements about my thoughts regarding the institution of marriage and how little I thought of it…somehow though Tim Sebastian’s presence ensured that they lacked their usual punch; one that makes all people in love go mad and want to break my skull! Wonder why the vitriol disappeared? Madame listened and gave me some longish advice on how one shouldn’t pre-condition onez mind against anything; that the past experiences only teach you how to emerge wiser and not recommit the same mistakes…and like a school boy I was going ‘yes ma’am, yes ma’am’! Vikram…wake up…where have your debating skills evanesced! Hey, never mind!

Then, after coming home and flooring Ma by her suaveness ( Ma was like; how I wish Lalita was here, I would have called her just now and told her—see I had always told you not to worry too much about your son!!); Ms Srinivasan bid adieu…followed it up with an sms an hour later with the advice repeated that I “better stop moping around and find myself a chick again and soon” !!!

Tough to say how happy I felt for Vilas that day…he was and is always the sweetest friend I’ve had and nothing but the best is what I can wish for him…and what can be better than this? Here was someone who understood him, who loved him, respected him, knew the problems he was facing, was more than willing to lend a supporting hand, shoulder his responsibilities---what more can a man ask for—and yeah most importantly her presence ensured and would ensure that Vilas would keep his hair short, take baths more regularly and drive away the body odor that he is so famously characteristic of !!!!

Mithuna, Thanks for being there for Vilas!

2004-10-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

It is that time of the year when I can tell somebody in my life how much I love that person and what he means to me—Dad’s birthday today and I was in Bangalore on the day after a long long time. It was one nice, warm, fun- filled day. So many times the two of us have managed to get ourselves so busy in our own personal lives that we’ve seldom managed to stop and reflect on the quintessential need for the other’s existence in our lives. Either I have been mean many times or Dad has been his characteristic laconic self—one that can put off any sane mind; a hard exterior that most people get quite terrorized of—though I know that all it needs is for one to scratch the surface a bit and there emerges a near child-like innocence, a kind of craving for attention and love—neither of which he managed to get in his troubled childhood and youth days.

Its rather strange when I think of how less of my life I have spent with my father. One of the banes of being in a good post in a Bank is the perennial dagger of Transfers all the time. And dad’s head was always on this altar of transfers. Ma and me tended to stay back in Bangalore (except for that "luckily" brief stint in Kolkata!)- while he lugged around Chennai, Coimbatore, Mumbai, Kolkata and the rest! I must have been in class 3 or 4 when the idea of departing from my dad had first sunk in; and unfortunately therez never been any looking back ever since. During all his years at Chennai and Coimbatore, he would make this dutiful trip to Bangalore every weekend—week after week, month after month; diligently solving all the problems in the Mathematics textbook on the way! Through the weekend, among other things, being a stud in Mathematics himself, he would ensure that the subject entered his dumb son’s head :-) The first thing I therefore did after completing my MSc in Mathematics was to shoot off a letter to him saying if anyone could take the credit for the supposed good performance in MSc( ok !ok ! lemme brag and say here that I scored a neat 10 on 10 CGPA in my Maths Majors!) , it would be him. And I remember the way I was welcomed with a buoquet and broad smile at Bangalore airport that year!

Speaking of letters, I still remember and perhaps have some of those letters that he would write to me so often on a plethora of topics. As a kid I’d put them all in an envelope and keep them in my school-uniform 's shirt pocket—so that it remained close to my heart! And how I’d brought the roof down once when accidentally during a monsoon downpour , most of the letters got soaked and the ink smudged all over! It took hours of cajoling and days of drying under the fan and the sun that brought my letters back to life:-)

But then over a period of time, may be I got used to his absence. He was just a looming presence sitting somehwere and not someone who monitored me day in and day out. Ma, Ajji, my two Mashis and others were my family and he hopped in and out of it. It even started getting difficult to connect—especially during those stressful growing-up years. I could even sense his discomfort at the fact that i was closer to Ma and her family than his or him. this would manifest itself (why "would", it still does!!!) on-and-off! This made Ma put additional efforts to give him 'visible' proofs of the fact that she wasnt alienating her son from his dad's family or culture--probably this is what explained her militant efforts to ensure i learnt to speak, read and write Tamil as much as i could with Marathi or Kannada, ensured that i kept Patti-Dad's mom engaged in frequent letter-writing(somethign that perhaps none of her long list of grandchildren or great-grandchildren ever did!), that i learnt Carnatic music which could be further showcased as proof of my 'Tamil-ness' and sticking on with the 'roots'...whatever!!

And the year he called it quits to his bank which was further desirous of throwing him into some other part of the country; I had to move out of Bangalore—to Pilani. So the enigma continued! Probably the perennial absence of an adult male all through my childhood—I lost Thatha, my loving old grandpa, at a very young age; Dad was a guest apparence at best---makes me so very uncomfortable while dealing with dads and grandpops! But it certainly helped me mature as an individual...being the only "man" of the house, a lot of responsibilities fall on you naturally and more so, when like our family, we had a string of disasters and tragedies! I would envy him then for being so blissfully away--atleast physically--from all the trauma that i was being made to undergo as his alter-ego:-)

We’ve reached that stage in our lives when the clock has come full circle. Dad would perhaps take a retirement from work in another 4-5 years and that’s when my career would have kick-started(literally, perhaps!!). And who knows where that’ll end up taking me to…and in the process we would have more years of distance, more years of non-communication, more years of using Ma as a perennial conduit even for simple things (something she says shez fed up of being!); but certainly more years of October 23rds when I can truly want to tell him that despite this all, I still love him and he means the world to me (and yet never get to say it up in as many words!) im sure he would understand it better than anyone else would that after all, being his son I can get worse when it comes to getting tongue-tied and reticent, when it comes to expressing oneself with the people you love most!

Happy Birthday Dad! You are wished the very best of everything!

2004-10-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

It was an unusually long wait this evening...took me 2 hours to get past Hosur road and from the Silk Board to my house...and what do people do when made to endure such travails?? Crib crib and more crib! Thats what a few colleagues of mine resorted to...they started off with cursing the traffic, the potholes, the roads, the government, the 'dumb' people of karnataka and what nots!!! not till i lost my cool and asked them to shut up :-) Not in as many words though!!

Tried to indulge them in some kind of an intellectual debate (though its tough to do that with many people from above the Vindhyas!) on why one needs to see beyond the ritualistic cribbings. They cited example after example of how the IT honchos of the city berated about the 'lack of infrastructure' in Bangalore and were planning to pack bags from Bangalore. OK....fair enough...i dont discount the kind of inconenience that the industry might be facing these days; but they have certainly no right to assume a holier-than-thou approach and not count their own contribution to this mess that the city finds itself in today.

When discussing the reasons as to why Bangalore suddenly sprung up as India's IT capital, most people ascribe it drably to the 'weather' ! My foot! If beautiful weather was all that mattered why wouldnt they have chosen Ooty or Kodaikanal or some hill station?? Weather was and is no doubt a factor--but perhaps the last in the list. what people do not know and do not acknowledge is the fact that the Mysore State--the erstwhile name for modern Karnataka--under its benevolent Wodeyar Maharajas; had emerged as one of the Model States of India by the time we gained Independence. Despite the fact that the State was a subsidiary of the British crown, the rulers laid great impetus on socio-economic progress. Industries were given the top-most importance--be they manufacturing industies or those nurturing local artisans of silk, sandal or even horticulture...Bangalore became India's first city to have the electric blub lit..The electrification of Mysore's villages took place long long before poeple in other parts of India had even heard of it...literacy rates were among the highest in the country when the British relinquished power..Mysore was India's first state to have a parliamentary form of democracy --Municipal committees and Corporations and elections to them were held as early as the 1880's. Dewan after dewan of the state- Sir M Vishweswhwaraiya, Sheshadri Iyer, Sir Mirza Ismail and others worked over- time to ensure the system was in place...Bangalore being a cantonment for the British troops was nurtured in true cosmopolitan style--ever wondered why there are more roads and streets in Bangalore with Brit-names than Lutyen's delhi?.

post-independence, the strategic importance that Bangalore got, other than being Karnataka's capital, was the fact that defence establishments like HAL were seated here; ISRO had its base here, the Indian Institute of Science--perhaps the only institute in india which can claim of something remotely related to non-plagiaristic research was set up here by the Maharaja as early as 1901. By the 1990's Bangalore emerged as the city with the largest number of engineering colleges in India...in fact the largest number of educational institutes in India. With a vast population of young people who were proficient in English and technically sound and one that was truly cosmopolitan in nature and composition ( you have 40% Kannadigas, 25% Tams, 15% Gults, 5% Anglo-Indians and 15% of the rest of India as Bangaloreans)---what more could any IT top notch ask for? and favourable state governments at the helm was all the more beneficial--unlike the illiterates and thugs and housewives --midwives and what-nots that run other states in India :-) With the trail blazing start that Infosys and Wipro --local brands--got off to; more and more IT techies flew down to this hitherto peaceful 'pensioners paradise'! And presto..its grown to emerge as India's IT capital accounting for 35% of India's software exports.

But then the peril set in...like it had in Mumbai and under which Mumbai still reels in...people from all-over the country started jostling for a place under the sun here...especially those from the BIMARU states...burgeoning numbers that the city had neither seen nor dreamt of...it just didnt seem to be able to grow commensurate with the growth of population and the IT industry. 20 lakh vehicles adding to the city's traffic every year is no mean statistic and no city can take that kind of inflated numbers, can it? The city lost a lot of its old charm and sheen..trees started gettign cut down to construct fly-overs, pubs and bars replaced silhouettes and boulevards. And today the in flow continues and the city or its administators just dont know what to do with it ! Its like allauddin's gene that has gotten itself into being a victim of its own success.

But halt...my colleagues who bad-mouth Bangalore day and night arent illiterate dorks...they are postgrads and qualified people...so, instead of passing silly sarcastic remarks, cant one of them come up with something constructive...form a forum to give ideas to the government ; join the ones (like Janaagraha) which are already doing this kind of constructive, supportive amd particpatory democracy? Does even one of them have a solution to offer to solve the problem? while i hold no brief for the apparently listless and 'I-care-a-damn' kind of political dispensation thats taken over Vidhana Soudha, unlike the flamboyant and charismatic predecessor; all said and done--Dharam singh is a human being! he is NOT a magician or angel who ca use his magic wand and dissipate the lakhs of people who join the city each year, each month --to add to its woes. Constructive suggestions like construction of arterial roads/ring roads, creation of a Greater Bangalore ( a Hosa Bengaluru on the lines of Navi Mumbai), a complete tone up and revamp of the public transport system thats almost non-existen t now(forcing people to use two-wheelers), the Metro Rail project, encouraging people to use public transport and giving incentives for the same; creating a separate IT colony and scoiety thats self sufficient and doesnt have to traverse half the city on diurnal transport--these are things that would make more sense than "Nothing is going to change--the system sucks, its is corrupt" bla bla bla !!

Wish people wore their thinking caps more often !!!

2004-10-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

The day began with a shocker of a news...as i sleepily glanced through the morning dailies with my huge coffee mug beside me; the headlines stared at me and me at them in utter disbelief- Forest brigand Veerappan shot dead by the joint STF forces of Tamil Nadu and Karnataka! I almost spilt the coffee over myself...it was too good to be true...a symbol of the servility to which one individual can force mighty states and their forces to; someone who was part of folk lore here; someone whose legendary moushtache was more popular than his misdeeds--lay dead in cold blood, caught in the same trap that he used to set for others. I remembered how much this would have excited Ajji, had she been alive ! Veerappan almost seemed like her personal enemy! she would rave and rant about his cruel deeds and when he killed the Police commissioner -Srinivas in the most barbaric manner; the way she would go on and on about it as if one of her own family was beheaded:-)

Anyways...quite symbolic that in the nine days that people celebrate as 'Navaratri'--the triumph of good over evil--good had finally prevailed; in some small manner; in this part of the globe...!! Kudos to our valiant Special Task forces (and not any of those vily, greedy politicos) for this wondrous fete accomplished--albeit quite late in the day!

2004-10-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

It was what was being termed as a "once in a lifetime musical experience", the "greatest titans of Indian music -together-on stage"; something that i had been looking forward to since the day the advertisements hit the dailies; whose tickets i purchased on the day of the release of the schedule in the newspaper...and it finally arrived...16th October 2004, 7PM at the huge and elegantly designed indoor stadium at Koramangala. Pt Bhimsen Joshi and Dr Balamuralikrishna LIVE in a jugalbandi!

Ma and me reached the place 45 mins ahead of schedule to take into account the unbelievable and unbearable traffic jams that have become the order of the day in Bangalore these days! The stadium is as huge as huge can get and the arrangments looked superb...auidence to be seated all over and the artists in the center with huge display panels on the sides. It did seem tough to crane onez neck to the side and see them, but didnt matter after a while. The ambience outside was equally pleasing...with 2 days of heavy downpour, Bangalore was at its weather's-best..and brooke bond was serving the audience free-samples of cardomom-cinamom tea! Exhilirating!

The Jugalbandi started much beyond the scheduled time of 7PM...i was taken aback by the kind of crowds that swelled there yesterday...4500 people, and as the compere announced--tickets got sold out within 36 hours of the announcement in newspaper...aah! our classical music still has a future and it was wonderful to see the spirit of THE Bangalorean--who despite all the odds, despite the distances, despite it being a saturday evening and other palpable distractions like the Garbha/Dandiya sessions that are flooding every corner of the city these days--took time off to assemble in such large numbers for a classical music show! Kudos!

Personally, im totally confused about the concept of a Jugalbandi--especially with vocal music...i find the idea untenable and infeasible having tried it out many times with a Hindustani singer friend of mine...i failed to see where the meeting point was..the 2 styles--Carnatic and Hindustani ae vastly different -despite the underlying theme being the all-pervasive 'raga'. Hence the curiosity actually got accentuated to explore and experience this supposed confluence of styles. The recital began with Raag Yaman-a.k.a. Raga Kalyani --with the mesmerising influence of the sharp Madhyam. It was nice in spells...especially the composition that they sang was in 2 languages--Balamurali ji took up the Telugu part in the supposed Carnatic style(!) and Pandit ji in Hindi. the brief Tanam that was done was truly breathtaking and it gelled well in the scheme of things. Age didnt seem to be an issue for both the titans and they hit the higher scales with such aplomb that even young musicians would be put to shame. This was followed up by some small presentations-kannada devaranama(which attracted a huge applause from the crowds) and bhajans...a break then preceded another longish presentation of Raag Malkauns/Raga Hindola--the Queen of the Night ragas. Time perhaps constrained an in-depth exposition of this beautiful Raga and it was wrapped up in a fast paced Thillana..Bhairavi /Sindhu bhairavi ended the concert..

as we walked out of the hall, my beliefs only got all the more strengthened that Vocal jugalbandis are a dream that can seldom; or never be achieved! it would perhaps require more thought, more research to consider if at all a common presentation of two different styles could do any justice to either of them...neither the brillance of Carnatic music nor that of Hindustani gets amply displayed in Jugalbandis; worse if the artists get into acompetitive mood ! the eminent vocalist of the Jaipur -Atrauli gharana- Smt Padma Talwalkar -with whom i was having a lengthy chat the other day (till she actually admonished melightly saying- ab kithne sawal poochthe ho tum!?)--perhaps rightly said " Jugalbandis are for time-pass..kabhi kabhi theek lagtha hai..kuchh variety ke liye..else, the concept is pretty shallow"! Couldnt agree more with her! While the musical magic that the two stalwarts weaved was brilliant--no doubt-- and musically breathtaking ( it truly was a once-in-alifetime opportunity!) to call a jugalbandi exercise an exhibition of either the Carnatic or the Hindustani style would be to belittle the greatness of both of them! Neither gets a fair portrayl...it requires much more thought than mere gimmicks to structure a jugalbandi--especially keeping in mind the lyrical significance in Carnatic as compared to its near-absence in its cousin and also the language factor that comes up in vocal !

Anyway..shall keep listening to more jugalbandis of the like and re-confirming my beliefs :-)

2004-10-14T01:15:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I’m sitting and filling this space in office…I had made it a matter of policy—consciously and conscientiously—not to indulge in any such diversions while at work; to stay interested in whatever I am doing through the day and not get into these cyclical phases of boredom that i most foten slip into--more importantly in the midst of hell loads of work! But somehow a chance search on google, the information conveyed therein and a few mails with a friend on similar ideas—totally unsettled me for the day. The gloomy weather outside (its been so cloudy all day that the sun hardly shows up!) hasnt done any better to ameliorate the feeling...I am just not able to think or work and these ghosts from the past have been badly haunting ever since…have half a mind to tell my boss that I think I am going to throw up any moment and hence he should let me go for the day…or better still—may be for the week:-) Hmmm… wishful thinking!!!

2004-10-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

It takes me a neat 1.5 hrs either way up and down my daily sojourn to work...as we meander through nearly 25 kms all the way up to Electronic City. The city bursting at its seams all the way along...traffic jams, fly over constructions, pot holes, angry snarls, accidents, cattle, rattle and everything that follows...at times i try catching up with lost sleep or finishing up a novel en route in the morning...while by evening (and that is 8.30 pm or so!) im just too famished to do all that...just doze off without a trace...even as Darius goes on and on with his chatter on Radio City...guess what would happen to the Bangalore junta but for the kind mercies of the likes of Sunaina Lall and Darius giving royal company through all our long journeys to the work place, stuck most often than not in a traffic congestion! Its as if almost a whole generation of techies and whiz kids grow and thrive on this 'food for thought' that these flamboyant RJ's bring along! By the end of the day im in such a dazed state that the songs and the chitter chatter simply seem to keep happening in some distant planet :-)

Anyway these long journeys, like the one i make twice each day(!), give one ample time to think, introspect, get into a rewind mode of nostalgia with some soft serene romantic number in the background, observe others, draw your own inferences and conclusions and incessantly keep sending sms-es to all and sundry cribbing all the way through about how bad the big bad world has been to you! There was this rather strange phenomenon that i had been observing for the past 2-3 days...each time Radio city inadvertently meandered into something in Kannada --even soemthing as innocuous and harmless as an ad calling for people to donate blood or so...a couple of people sitting around would suddenly snigger ! I managed to see their employee badges today..one was a Ghosh, the other a Mukhopadhyay, a Sharma and a Gupta...im not a kannadiga myself nor do i belong to those militant linguistic outfits...but what ticks me off is the attitude of some of these nerds who live in Karnataka, whose presence in burgeoning numbers is what is driving a city as beautiful as Bangalore to the dogs by the day, who depend on this state for their income and livelihood, cos their own home states are explempified personifications of poverty, backwardness and everything that retards--yet these very jokers have the gumption to laugh at the native language--like as if they descended here from Buckingham palace! With most Indian languages sharing a common syntax/phonetics, i see no reason why one Indian needs to snigger and ridicule another Indian language...i could understand if a European found it amusing! And this wonderful tendency of chattering away in their native languages when they kind of know that for the person with you it is Greek (though incidentally i know Tamil and manage to understand some Bengali)is somethign that smacks of fundamentalism that manifests deep within the psyche and culture! Its happened before in BITS too...i left and didnt want to be a part of many of the assocs and clubs for precisely this reason...this tendency of being non-inclusive and forming exclusive groupings...

No wonder then that we see these fanatic outbursts from the other side...the tragic events of banning non-Kannada movies for 7 weeks, that too in a city as cosmopolitan as Bangalore--its no Chennai or Kolkata for heavens sake--is but a sad repurcussion of decades of such uncivilized behaviour from the other side...my neighbour for 25 years, Mrs Sinha, originally a Bihari, but settled here since more than 50 years and a teacher at Baldwins, would take great pride in brandishing the ONE sentence she had learned in Kannada in the half century of her life here--"Kannada gotthilla"--I dont know Kannada! well, its not something to be proud of ma'am; just shows how bad you are at picking up things despite being in a place for so long..the sabji wala stands to score before you, as despite being an alien language for him, he tries to pick up some titbits and argue and bargain with you in Hindi--the only language you seem to know, admire and adulate! For all his illiterate self, he seems to be a sharper wit than you!

Sad, but true..i guess until such tendencies disappear, Bangalore is well on its way to becoming the intolerant city that Bombay had descended to soemtime back with the Shiv Sena and Bal Thackeray leading the pro-Maratha wave...MUmbai for Mumbaikars only kinds of slogans that rent the air and the massive drive to throw away all outsiders--Gujratis and South Indians..i dont blame him either...you cant live as a leech on Maharashtra's economy and continue to feign ignorance of Marathi or worse --ridicule it ! They happen to be languages of your own motherland and the least one can do is to give them the respect thats due to them!

Yawwwwwnnn!! its 10 PM...ive reached my stop..the bus comes to a thuddering halt and the good samaritan woman beside me is really good enough to wake me up and i totter down the lane-- back home!

2004-09-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I wrote here...not as much because i didnt have the time to (that is always a convenient excuse you can give to anyone at any time!). The last week was an emotionally draining one...i wasnt too happy going through the week...i personally abhor politicking...and thinking about it in something as pristine as art--blasphemous! But nonetheless, went through all the machinizations and manipulations; tried my bit towards trying to make people see some sense but to no avail..they would rather slug it out in the corridors of India's legal system--so be it and damn the bloody movement for producing such listless, worthless, uninspiring followers and patrons---all driven by sheer personal agendas and motives ! Dont even want to lower the dignity of my blogspot by talking about a movement as cheap as this!

I was pleasantly amused to find so many people asking me why i hadnt updated here:-) Im sure i 'll be disappointing them by writing such trash about nothing in particular...for once, i just dont know what to write about...just letting the keyboard have the better of me!! Its like the encounters Ive had with so many people--with absolutely no intentions, no pre-planning...and then it turns out to be a relationship of a lifetime; (while those that i planned for failed in the worst possible way with deep emotional repurcussions!)...it happened before with SN, with AR, with KT...with a host of people...was happy to find, in the last few days, a person with some appreciable sincerity and sensitivity..someone i'd always known existed (n same vice versa)..but dont know why, never felt the need to interact in 'flesh-n-blood'. It always happens with me (as i figured out with this gentleman too!)...being laconic and reticent, many a time we lose out on many people who could have otherwise turned out be good companions--atleast great to talk to...with the proverbial and hackneyed cliched 'we share sooooooo many things in common' :-)...at some later point of time, one meets the same stranger in an impersonal manner as an e-chat or a tele-con and then you regret the lost times! Well, Shaggy is just the latest of the long lists of regrets ive had in life!!

The last few days were also very hectic in terms of coming to terms with the new lifestyle and environment at GE...have always been apprehensive of working in all these companies ...somehow the dog collar they make employees wear seems too too ominous and suggestive to me :-)) they end up domesticating and emasculating you for life!! But then, touchwood (and for ma's good luck!), ive not cribbed about the place (as i did almost on a diurnal basis in TI..much to her discomfiture!!)..

Ranji sprang a surprise on us all by calling us one lazy, wet Sunday noon and informing us she was getting engaged that evening :-)) The "prince charming" had come for bride-shopping from the US and everything happened so fast that it left our poor, dear Ranji gasping for breath--as much as each one of us were shocked enough to fall off our chairs..! For a moment i thought she was playing her characteristic pranks on me...after all she is a specialist in that since childhood! But it was true! Vinayak and me made it to the function that evening...reminiscing about school times and the "good old days" (gosh! we already sound like old men sitting by the beachside at their dusks of their lives and commenting about how milk and honey flew in days of yore!!)...feels odd, nah..may be a bit strange, to see people whom youve grown up with
getting married ! Vinayak asked me--WHY? I seriously didnt know why, but what the hell,...i just felt that way..Thats all !:-) Its tough to imagine people i've grown up with through the rough and tumble of childhood and adolescence, with out innumerable and countless pranks at school--- stand and pose for serious snaps as mature, responisble individuals with a partner the've chosen for life!
Very very strange indeed..! I wouldnt want to fall into the temptation that this is leading me to...to comment on my pet topic of how little i thought about the institution of marriage...about how i touched everyonez raw nerve(especially those in love) by stating rather dispassioantely about how they would manage to overcome the fatigue of the other person, of how love is an exponentially decaying curve and marriage finally ends up as a socio-economic compromise :-)) Duhhhhh..imagine waking up to the SAME person in bed every morning--i told this to Vandy and she was prepared to dissect me with whatever she could lay her hands on !!

Anyways...God bless all newly married and to-be-married couple(t)s; like all our childhood fables and fairy tales always loved to end ' and the prince married the princess and lived happily ever afterrrrrrrrrrr'..... !

2004-09-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

SPICMACAY Bangalore Chapter's Virasat series, I am told, has suddenly come to a halt or worse--a premature death..i had always heard that the water ran deeper than what we all preceived in the murky politics that has come to be associated with the chapter for sometime now...i for one, was least interested in which side the wind blew as long as it satisfied my selfish motives of being able to attend as many concerts as i could and experience as many art forms as possible...It was with this hope that i was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Dhananjayans..personally i find the idea of men performing Indian classical dances quite irksome..(no offences meant to anybody!)..somehow the feeling has seeped in that the Indian dance forms are tailor made for the women folk and suit a danseuse much better than her male counterpart! But then the Dhananjayans i was told were an exception and even a person with preconceived ideas as me would be floored by his Bharatnatyam...but alas! i am given to understand that either they have cancelled it on their own accord or someone has prevailed upon them to do the same...and i lose out a golden chance to see them in action...what a pity! i come all the way back to my hometown with the expectations of working for a movement that im madly in love with to the extent of being obsessed-- and the movement itself ceases to exist in my city--thanks to political machinizations! Dunno if the other events of the chapter in the coming weeks are slated to meet a similar fate...that'll deprive me of the singular passion that ive dedicated myself to in the recent months!

The last week saw some amazing folk art in the form of Yakshagana by the famed Shambhu Hegde troupe of coastal Karnataka...despite having lived in Karnataka for eons now, i hadnt seen one myself..managed to catch a glimpse and was left spellbound....the manner in which Shambhu ji held a huge school crowd in raptures during the 2 hour workshop when he displayed to them the intricacies of his art---the headgears, the costumes, the make ups...and then the grand finale--the performance--Gadayuddha episode from the Mahabharath--leaving the kids dumbstruck and asking for more..i stood at one corner, amazed by the 40 minute question and answer session that followed...the kids had questions about every perceivable aspect of the art and Shambhu ji in his characteristic wry humour pandered them to the fullest extent! WHile leaving the school, he too was completely satisfied! he said he had never seen such a response anywhere else and frankly speaking didnt expect this kind of a feedback from school children...

Little did i know that that would be the last of the series for the season...whatever it is and whoever it is who needs power and what nots( duhhhh,....in a cash strapped organization like this, power and post is somehting i'd personally wear on my toe!--wish all our adult , middle-aged warriors had similar intellect ) sorts it out at the earliest so that art lovers like me arent left deprived....

2004-09-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

It was Ganesh Chaturthi yesterday...this time around it passed off as just another day with not too much fanfare as is usually the case. We are in supposed mourning period for one year--though i dont see half the grief in most of the members of the family! Anywayz..to each his one!
But the day really brings back lot of lovely memories of childhood...for the Maharashtrian half of me, Ganesh chaturthi is what Durga Puja is to the Bongs--gives a kind of a cultural identity. Its interesting to note the manner in which the festival has evolved over the years and the kind of themes that our benign elephant headed God lends himself to! Who could forget the kind of social and political transformation the festival brought about in Maharashtra..as Tilak used it as such an effective way of community worship, celebration and togetherness--traits that Indians, in general, lack:-) Even to this day, all over Mumbai we have these "Mitra Mandals" that organise the Pandals --though the degeneration to crass orchestras in many places is sad--still the feeling of community is smthing that Ganesh brings along! And you have the wierdest of murtis being made--a Ganesh flighting Pakistan at Kargil or one fighting for the environment or the plight of the hapless CET aspirants in Karnataka--the contemporariness of the single tusked God lends to his popularity among the masses.

At home, those days, it would always be an elaborate 10 day affair-with the final Visarjan on the Ananth Chaturdashi. Ajji would most often get into action from 2 weeks prior to the festival...wonder how she managed to muster that kind of enthusiasm! Elaborate decorations for the idol, a huge mantap with lights and hanging fruits et al, a million goodies made laboriously over days( i remember her slogging over the Modaks and Puran Polis!), sitting up all night at times! I mean, what was achieved at the end of it all, was smthing only she would have an answer to! At Kakimaa's place, it was a different ball altogether. After she was made the president of the Maharashta Mandali in Bangalore, the huge lawns at her place would become a gathering spot of most of the Maharashtrian folks living in this part of the world...day long pujas and havans, and evenings filled with fun, music competitions that i'd merrily take part in and never a dearth for delectable edibles:-)

But thankfully sense has dawned and things have been a bit low-key since the past few years or completely absent like this time! May be quiet contemplation and introspection is better than hoopah!? Dunno, really!!

P.S: Its flattering to note that people have been spying on my blogspot!! Haah! ANd its contents so widely discussed and debated! Hey all you worthless spies...get urself a life.. and a bit of a spine and face me frontally--if you have the gall that is:-)

2004-09-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

Was a long tiring day today...on the spicmacay trail through the day..lugging along the length and breadth of Bangalore city, with Jayanthi ji--an artist i greatly admire and respect--for her tremendous knowledge and at the same time an unassuming simplicity about herself thats hard to find these days..even half baked virtuosos end up being so pricy and here was someone who emanated music in all that she did and spoke, yet so down-to-earth..

The first concert of the day at the remotest outskirts of rural Bangalore -lapped in lush greenery and foliage all around, for all its lack of amenities and arrangments, the faux-paus of the management et al notwithstanding, was a pleasure to attend. Sitting amidst a group of young, intelligent, musically-conscious children was in itself an honour. There was this rare breed of sensitivity and receptivity in those curious little eyes; waiting as they were for the magic to unfold--at the mercy of the ever untrustworthy Karnataka Electricity Board;-) Was bowled over by the invocation hymn that a little girl sang at the start of the programme in praise of the Goddess of Learning and Music. The genuineness and the innocence of expression was something that really swept me off...sometimes i wonder where and how and why we lose out our innate nature; our innocent selves to the caprice of the external world...its always intriguing to see the transformation of a toddler to adolescence--as biology and the knowledge of it, ensures the kid in him/her is killed forever...can it ever again be possible to revert back to that state of harmless innocence and purity of thoughts, mind and action!? My thoughts were interrupted by the thunderous applause our little diva received:-)

The afternoon concert was one that was for the more sophisticated, snooty, 'know-it-all' kinds who were there 'cos they were told to ! I was tired, irritated, generally a bit peeved at the happenings of the day...not until Raga Dharmavathi was played...though it was an extremely small improvisation that was done keeping in mind the age group of the audience--it was mesmerising...and it wouldnt be an exaggeration to say that i was mesmerised and my hair stood at its ends! The pleasure that music gives is something that nothing else can even hope to replicate in the vaguest attempt...through the evening i sat reflecting on my own musical journey which has meandered through thick and thin...yet, with the grace of the One above, not dried up entirely:-) It feels like another era when i gave my first concert in Tanjore and another at Dad's ancestral Rama temple in countryside Tamil nadu..my paternal grandfather, whom ive never met, was supposedly the one who built that magnificent temple apart from many other philanthropic pursuits and served as its trustee till death...i was 13 then and had absolutely no inhibitions whatsoever about throwing my voice at the highest of octaves that it could possibly reach...and being the ex-trustee, founder's grandson helped too:-) though at my age then i was blissfully ignorant of the reason why people around were showering the special attention ! Was told then that I'd scale the greatest of heights in the world of music possible, that i had been god-gifted bla bla bla by the man who compered the show, in such chaste tamil that i could barely understand even a word of....but with academics and health issues catching up big time, music has been the worst casualty...and this fetish for organizing concerts has to some extent taken over the zeal to hone (in fact re-learn) my own musical skills--if they existed ever?!

Sitting there, drenched in music, i was somehow reminded of that compere today--just like that, from nowhere ! Wonder what he'd say if he heard me "sing" today:-))

2004-09-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hey! I FINALLY got what i loved getting--HATE MAIL :-)) Obviously some people who read my previous post didnt like it or plain thought i was talking crap; they didnt want to identify themselves or post comments on the blogspot for reasons best known to them. SO they chose the easier route--send me a hard hitting stinker of a mail ! this in fact reconfirmed the claim I made in the post --that the fear percolates across civilizations, continents, religions and Time. of the 2 mails that i received, one was of a Hindu zealot and the other a Christian:-) Yet both had almost the same things to tell me !

For some strange reason I dont feel like doing a copy-paste of the mail contents here--may be im in too mellow a mood to screw anyone'z happiness as such ! But then my Hindu friend would do well to understand that its not just he, but me too, who is as much of a 24 karat Brahmin as he is :-) And the weight of our Brahmin-ness lies not in the number of beliefs and dogmas that we are made to believe, but the kind of thoughts we have. He would do well to pause for a minute and introspect on the fact that the very mantra that initiaties him into this "hallowed world" of Brahminism is the Gayatri Mantra ! One of our sacred texts says- "The Gayatri is Brahma, the Gayatri is Vishnu and it is Shiva Himself. The Gayatri is the embodiment of the Vedas". Gayatri later began to be personified as a Goddess--a 5 headed Woman witht he 4 heads representing the 4 vedas(shez called the Veda matha in the daily religious ablutions that all you 24-karat brahmanas blindly indulge in--and unfortunately for you therez no veda-pitha till now:-) !) and the 5th head represents the Divine. any thoughts, Mr Bigot about why this is so? No Yajna in Hindu rituals is complete without a woman beside the kartha or the doer..even Lord Ram needed to instal an idol of Sita --whom he had most unjustly driven away in her most pitiable condition--to perform the ashwamedha yajna...what a pity people dont read their own scriptures and would rather send out torpedoes of insinuation:-)

He also told me to understand whatz written in the Gita, of Krishna being the Supreme and none beyond Him. the issue here was not to decide who among our 30 crore (or more!) Gods and Goddesses are the best! Letz engage in more meaningful recreations! And the Gita, to me, isnt a mere compilation of verses that the "religious" love to parrot without following what it means. I've been trying for ages to get to understand the Gita and failed...and i know it'll take me a lifetime. Chapter 1 itself is so intriguing...have you ever thought, like i have, that Chapter 1 is more than just a description of the kaurava and pandava armies? that all the kauravas--be they Duryodhana, Karna or even Dhritarashtra, Bhishma, Drona and the rest are NOT mere mythological characters..they are all states of mind...our own inner enemies? One represents ego, some other for anger, passion, blind love, pride, jealousy--all laid out in the Kurukshetra of our Own Minds? the eternal inner battle goes on on how to vanquish which one of them...and since these are all our very own emotions, we are so attached to them that like Arjuna felt, we too are reluctant to kill them?(as he asks how can I kill my own teacher, my own grandfather, my brothers and their sons?--an allegory to killing my own passions, my own shortfalls--they are after all MINE!) . What Krishna has tried through this 'Song' is to give humanity a kind of a prescription to attack these very enemies and emerge victorious...If you or anyone ends up getting this mapping right, then applying each of the chapters of the Gita to killing those interal enemies --be it through Gyana yoga, or Karma yoga or Bhakti yoga becomes so much more easier...all our epics and poems and music are dripping with Chhayavaad or allegory( a weak translation of a uniquely Indian term!) and its almost suicidal to take most of these at face value and not search for deep, hidden gems..have you ever thought this way Mr Brahmin or is it just that you remember Chapter XII, Verse no XYZ?

My Christian friend was a bit less vitriolic. But he said the Mary Magdalene stories are a figment of imagination of deranged minds. But Sir, how do you defend the plethora of evidence to the contrary. the verses in the Bible itself which allure to the fact that she bore Jesus's child? that she was pregnant during the Crucifixion and was driven away by the disciples of Christ so that they could portray a larger than life image of Jesus and in the bargain end up with an influential position in society for themselves? That she lived in abjure poverty and great suffering for the rest of her life? The very fact that the versions of Luke, Matthew , John and the rest dont match, is proof enough to show that the Bible is no Divinely-Ordained book that fell into wretched mankind's lap from th Mighty Heavens...but was yet another marvelous piece of literature that mankind spun for itself. this punctures the claim of the church to be the carrier of the "Truth--the Gospel" and also of Christianity being the ONLY hope for salvation and all the proselytization actions around the world thatz leading to so many social tensions.

hey, but there were 2 other comments too! One was from someone I love dearly to read up Jayshankar Prasad's Kamayani..Yes Sir! Shall try to lay my hands on the book ASAP! Thanks for that suggestion:-) Another mail from Kakimaa--strangely, she seems to be following my blog!! She said--im so glad that you ATLAST became a feminist! FEMINIST? My foot! they are the silliest bunch of idiots that Planet earth has ever seen...i wouldnt even want to venture into why I just hate this bunch of nincompoopish buffoons who have no other agenda but to run protest marches on streets. Expressing anguish on the fall of THE WOMAN in our religious-social-and cultural lives is no reason to be branded a feminist...being sensitive to the important and indispensable role the 'fairer sex' plays in life and the kind of magical power they wield is something which every man worth his salt should realise--this is the least they owe to their mothers!

Anyway, i loved the criticisms:-) Criticism literally feeds my fountain of thoughts! So Messrs Bigots, plz dont rest and carry on the gunfire!

2004-09-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Its always tough to reproduce one's thoughts..especially those in the written. According to me it then becomes no different from plagiarism. But then as i remember having read Ralph Emerson saying somewhere that "It has come to be practically a sort of rule in literature, that a man, having once shown himself capable of original writing, is entitled thenceforth to steal from the writings of others at discretion"; gives me some kind of satisfaction to realise that its no cardinal sin i commit by plagiarising my own thoughts!

ever since my post made a mysterious disappearence, despite my non-involvement in the whole affair, its been gnawing on my vitals...not as if the world lost a great piece of literature or so...but then it certainly made me realise that my posts meant something to me atleast! It was an expression of the self and any expression of Oneself is art in its own standing. After all, even the performing arts are but just this. Music, of which i can claim to have some rudimentary knowledge is also an extension of the self where the catharsis that happens is an extremely personal one...my expression of the same notes need not and cannot be the same as yours, just as my writing style and someone else's dont match. so, seems like the sense of loss is pretty plausible! But then no point trying to recreate the same things--cos it wont have its original charm and effect in any case..so..Guss!!

Since the acad front is pretty lean these days, ive been up to some unusual reading..have been trying to catch up with themes that shake our beliefs and well-established value systems! it began with the Da Vinci code..i was fascinated by the underlying theme of the true story of Christ and the way the Church had been stifling it; often through deceit and violence for centuries now. Did a lot of search on the net and also in the library and was quite amazed to find a wealth of information on the Holy Grail, the Sacred Feminine and Mary Magdalene--whoz supposedly Jesus's wife, who also bore him a daughter Sarah! And how the Church, just to give Jesus a larger than life image kept portraying as one beyond the 'mortal desires of lust and sex' and even portrayed Mary Magdalene as a prostitute; whose life changed after coming into contact with Christ! And to think of the fact that generations have been fed on falsehood and all the psalms that we were made to memorise in school were a bunch of lies is quite nerve rattling..at the same time, its quite disheartening to note how very unfair mankind has been to the 'fairer sex'. In fact, it was an extremely interesting chat i had with a learned friend of mine about the shockingly similar parallels with Indian mythological symbolism.

Some of the earliest epics of Hindu mythology mention the pre-eminence of Adi Shakti as the primeval originator of all Life and the trimurtis and others gods and demi gods as having sprung from Her. in fact we were quite amazed to realise the geometric similarities between the kind of shapes that depicted the sacred feminine in christian mythology--the chalis or the cup(indicative of the woman) and the bow(indicative of man) anf their perfect intersection resulting in the Star of David (symbolising the man-woman unity, the yin-yang , the purusha-prakriti concepts!) and our very own Shri Chakra which has almost identical geometrical patterns. What happened to the sacred feminine at the hands of the Vatican, happened to Adi shakti at the hands of Manu and the later vedic era; where She lost Her pre-eminence to male subjugation. Manu affirms that woman has no right to freedom and is better off under different roles of men in her life--father, lover, husband and son..that her work is to be a dutiful daughter, a sincere devoted wife, a loving mother and a whore in bed. What a fall from the times when all the gods would run up to Her for advice and help in times of crisis. the concept of Mother Goddess goes beyond civilizations--right from the Harappan times till the present..the feminine is always given a certain aura, a certain mystique which a man lacks; come on! u dont have a Father God or a Father land(germany excluded!). its intriguing to think of the immense insecurities that men folk faced at this glorification of women--and this across continents, civilizations and religions. The best way to subjugate them was to take advantage of their weaker position when it came to matters of sexuality. what is more of a biological inevitability was yarned into a kind of a punishment for lecherous behaviour and the Original Sin stories of the Old Testament. Interesting to see the gradual fall of the feminine...from Mother to whore, shez covered a real long distance.

As i sat sifting through rather bulky material that ive ended up collecting on the topic, there was a sudden change of course that took place ; especially with regards to the early indian civilizations. The much debated topic of Aryan invasion or rather non-invasion! the etymological proofs that exist of the similarity between Sanskrit and Tamil ; or the dissimilarities. Questions that have a tremendous impact on our country's framework. are North indians and South Indians genetically different? is that what explains the rather strange but marked dissimilarities? Some studies point out to a similarity in the genetic maps of South Indians and Iranians, but total chaos when it comes to the Northies and the Southies. is that why the 2 clans seldom get along:-)?

But seriously, by the end of the day, ive been overcome by what i'd prefer to call intellectual fatigue. Therez too much info on hand and that by itself is getting to be too intriguing and exhausting. For a while this evening, my mind just refused to think further...it just said shut this crap up, go for a walk down Juhu beach, see a movie or plain sleep!! I called my friend up and told him about the new ideas that had emerged from what was hitherto a study of the Power of the Feminine across religions and continents and its gradual decadence. He asked me to save all the information for the time being...after all historians, anthropologists, archaeologists have been putting decades of efforts on this invasion theory or non-theory. and we amateurs cant hope to find a quick-fix solution in a single day! Fair enough! But we ended with the firm resolve that once we are saddled firmly in our respective careers of Finance management and Solid state Physics(!), we'd definitely pick these issues up for greater study..may be over weekends..may be as an interesting hobby...or may be just for the heck of it!!

the past and questions about the source and origin of things is always an intriguing and interesting proposition...something that makes you proud of the blood that runs in your veins..something that helps you live beyond the mundane..something that helps you not to re-commit the same damn mistakes all over again..after all as they say History repeats itself cos no one was listening to it the first time:-)

2004-09-04T02:51:00.000-07:00

Strangely n mysteriously the latest of my posts has disappeared from the page:-) heaven knows how..considering the fact that i'd written something here after a month and that it was written in the middle of a 104 degree fever, thought it was indeed too much of a loss..and i have no idea how to retrieve this piece of shit!

2004-07-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

its been tough juggling time between two totally disparate and disconnected activities...on the one hand im neck deep in the 'tension' thats the talk-of-the-season--Autumn Placements and the more mundane pursuits of getting a good project at a good place with a reasonably good stipend:-) and having to read the listless epics on financial theories for the same!! on the other hand, is this new gem i have found in the form of Savitri...something that was with me for eons now, i can almost visualize the yellow bounded book that i had been gifted for coming first in school...and something that i had "read"and had even memorized some pompous lines to flabbergast people around about my superior mastery!! but in the present circumstances, how much of meaning it is adding to my mind is something that just I know...the allegories are mind boggling...im totally in awe of the narration...and came across this rather apt piece of advice given by The Mother Herself...seems like shez written it JUST for me;-)) and so i read on and on and on..almost like a maniac!

"If you are depressed, if you feel miserable, if you do not succeed in what you do or else if what happens is always the contrary of what you expect, however you try — if it has come to such a pass that you lose your temper, life becomes disgusting and you are unhappy, then immediately take Savitri and, after a moment’s concentration, open it at any page and read. You will see that all your misery disappears like smoke. And you will have the strength to overcome the worst sorrows; you will no longer feel that which was tormenting you. Instead you will feel a strange happiness, a reversal of consciousness along with the energy and force to conquer everything, as though there were nothing impossible. And you will feel this inexhaustible joy that purifies all. Read just a few lines and that is enough to establish the contact with your inmost being. Such is the extraordinary power of Savitri.
Or else, after having read some lines, if you concentrate deeply, then too you will find the solution to what was tormenting you. You have only to open Savitri just at random without thinking and you will have the answer to your problems. Do this with faith and simplicity, the result is certain. "

2004-07-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

And at the end of Book X(its 3 AM now!), i flip to the foreword pages...had never seen this small note written by Sri Aurobindo Himself:-)

"The tale of Satyavan and Savitri is recited in the Mahabharata as a story of conjugal love conquering death. But this legend is, as shown by many features of the human tale, one of the many symbolic myths of the Vedic cycle. Satyavan is the soul carrying the divine truth of being within itself but descended into the grip of death and ignorance; Savitri is the Divine Word, daughter of the Sun, goddess of the supreme Truth who comes down and is born to save; Aswapati, the Lord of the Horse, her human father, is the Lord of Tapasya, the concentrated energy of spiritual endeavour that helps us to rise from the mortal to the immortal planes; Dyumatsena, Lord of the Shining Hosts, father of Satyavan, is the Divine Mind here fallen blind, losing its celestial kingdom of vision, and through that loss its kingdom of glory. Still this is not a mere allegory, the characters are not personified qualities, but incarnations or emanations of living and conscious Forces with whom we can enter into concrete touch and they take human bodies in order to help man and show him the way from his mortal state to a divine consciousness and immortal life.
---- Sri Aurobindo "

2004-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Got a call from Pondicherry today...from nowhere it came...and it came at such an opportune moment...for the past few weeks, HiroDi and me have been having long mail conversations on matters beyond the mundane...on matters relating to life and thereafter...I havent heard of people having seen angels, but if at all they do, then the angels would look no different from HiroDi...a life of selfless service that she has dedicated herself to, she exudes cheerfulness and peace, her music drenches your soul with calmness, her 'haathi hug' as she calls it, takes away your agonies--temporarily. Each visit to Pondicherry has been a delight...the high point, nonetheless is the visit to the Samadhi...the place vibrates with a certain cosmic energy that i find difficult to explain each time i visit it...people do not speak there, they dont feel the need to...they just lay their tired heads on the rectangular marble pedastal which houses the remains of Sri Aurobindo and The Mother and its happened to me--some current of energy through my being...negative forces get out..u see people shedding copious tears...but they all leave the place totally at ease with themselves and the world...but then it depends on the "sadhak" as Sri Aurobindo calls him/her to experience this...my experience need not and wouldnot match yours...someone may get bored there and feel like playing anthakshari..well! its all our levels of consciousness!

HiroDi knew what has been troubling my mind since so long...and her simple answer to most of my maladies is what makes me reach out to her each time im not myself...'Read Savitri, Read Savitri, Read Savitri..this is all i can tell you and all others who ask me such things...dont question it, dont try deep to understand the meaning of each word...just read.."

And i read..once again..in total awe and rapt attention...escpecially Book VIII and Book IX--all the cantoes..The Death of Satyavan, the reactions in Savitri, the appearence of the fierce God of Death..their wonderful dialogues that kind of symbolize all our perennial questions abt life and thereafter...Cant but help thinking of some of those beautfiul conversations..among the numerous things that Death tells her, it says-

"And Death made answer to the human soul: "What is thy hope? to what dost thou aspire? This is thy body's sweetest lure of bliss, Assailed by pain, a frail precarious form, To please for a few years thy faltering sense With honey of physical longings and the heart's fire And, a vain oneness seeking, to embrace The brilliant idol of a fugitive hour. And thou, what art thou, soul, thou glorious dream Of brief emotions made and glittering thoughts, A thin dance of fireflies speeding through the night, A sparkling ferment in life's sunlit mire? Wilt thou claim immortality, O heart, Crying against the eternal witnesses That thou and he are endless powers and last? Death only lasts and the inconscient Void. I only am eternal and endure. I am the shapeless formidable Vast, I am the emptiness that men call Space,I am a timeless Nothingness carrying all, I am the Illimitable, the mute Alone. I, Death, am He; there is no other God. All from my depths are born, they live by death; All to my depths return and are no more. I have made a world by my inconscient Force. My Force is Nature that creates and slays The hearts that hope, the limbs that long to live. I have made man her instrument and slave, His body I made my banquet, his life my food. Man has no other help but only Death; He comes to me at his end for rest and peace. I, Death, am the one refuge of thy soul. The Gods to whom man prays can help not man; They are my imaginations and my moods Reflected in him by illusion's power. That which thou seest as thy immortal self Is a shadowy icon of my infinite, Is Death in thee dreaming of eternity. I am the Immobile in which all things move, I am the nude Inane in which they cease: I have no body and no tongue to speak, I commune not with human eye and ear; Only thy thought gave a figure to my void. Because, O aspirant to divinity, Thou calledst me to wrestle with thy soul, I have assumed a face, a form, a voice............"

Totally unmoved Savitri replied..."O Death, who reasonest, I reason not, Reason that scans and breaks, but cannot build Or builds in vain because she doubts her work. I am, I love, I see, I act, I will....When I have loved for ever, I shall know. Love in me knows the truth all changings mask. I know that knowledge is a vast embrace: I know that every being is myself, In every heart is hidden the myriad One. I know the calm Transcendent bears the world, The veiled Inhabitant, the silent Lord: I feel his secret act, his intimate fire; I hear the murmur of the cosmic Voice. I know my coming was a wave from God. For all his suns were conscient in my birth, And one who loves in us came veiled by death. Then was man born among the monstrous stars......."

The numerous cantoes go on...verse after verse soaked in philosophy...making a mockery of our mundane preoccupations and pursuits! You were right, HiroDi, "Read Savitri, Read Savitri, Read Savitri"

2004-07-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

Dont know why but then have been missing KT for a long time now...was telling Kakimaa the same when she had come here with kaku for that whirlwind tour coupled with a few other "exercises"..it felt great then to be with them in the royal suite of Grand Maratha..but there was this lurking feeling of emptiness...the reason ascribable among other things was definitely KT...Kakimaa admonished me, she told me life is not and can not be always hostage to the availability of people...it HAS to move on...u can not expect ppl to be calling u or u keep getting a diurnal account of their lives...well, may be shez right in a way..but then it isnt too much of an effort also to remain connected right? I tend to keep ruffling old contacts right from the times i was a toddler...then why cant ppl? she had a simple answer-u r a fool, they arent:-) hmmm...not too convincing! Realising that her nephew was totally at unease on hearing her "advice", she mildly asked me to 'outgrow' the need for having some people arnd all/most of the time..but kakima, its not that i want them around, in front of my eyes 24*7 and 365 days a year(add 1 for a leap year if u desire!)..just that little pinging from somehwere, a small offline, a missed call (as some ppl give me most often!), a few lines on yahoomail...that surely isnt unachievable...i had/have already lost someone whom i had hitherto considered very precious..didnt want a sordid repeat telecast of sorts and tat too to soemthing as mundane and worthless as an mba!

Just last nite i was clearing my sent box to accomodate more incoming mails and found this one written 10 months back! the thoughts remained exactly the same even now! the sadistic clone of the ex-chief warden that i am(!), i fwded the same to KT...pat came the reply! well, KT might be saline-eyed reading this fwded mail..as much as i was saline-eyed reading the reply sent to me!! have seldom seen ppl move me by sheer usage of right words that convey the right meaning and emotions....

"walking down the beach silently, Nagarji's redi was thanked...plagiarism per se was thanked !! but for it, deepak wudnt have got pissed right? i was amused---just 4 months back, while i was leaving the loved desert and later found myself in that flat in chennai convalescing from an experimented throat, had made a resolve NEVER to see a particular individual...and look at me now--counting days!! seemed like the seabreeze of chennai, the tears shed in 162 ashok, the vodka bottle, the bitscan, the empty badam milkbottles strewn in sky from which a hungry squirrel is trying its best to gulp a sip and the vast expanse of the arabian ocean in front of me, in all its roaringfury is having a mighty laugh at my somersault.

contradictions and life seem to just go nuptial in my case but this was one contradiction i didnt seem to want to rationalise or felt a need to pamper a hurt ego.cos this was what was natural--it isnt out of mere chance that i have ended up telling what my problems are with an individual i knew for well..just over 10days while sitting cosy in the hostel , inthe thick of the pristine winter of the place trying to edit a so called piece of journalistic endeavour which was no more than boot licking the powers-that-be in pilani's corridors of authority--the south blocks of BITS. at the same time it isnt too often that i have someone who has totally no link whatsoever with the idea, spending hours and hours and nites after nites sitting and editing stuff for a club which even lokis had the temerity to ridicule as a 'naachne gaanewale' club!! no one after all found out for me that black tulsi is a harbinger of good health, no one shed tears in the kind of spontaneity that i witnessed that day..of course no one cursed me in as many words either--but then all things cant happen to our design, can they..u reach a point of trade off, of minimum returns..,and realise that while it was such a natural thing by and large, some bitter gourds sprinkled here and there only made the dish more relishiable-that whataver else was, was an aberration--a dangerous and scary aberration nonetheless...so all these sneering ridiculing faces cud go on a long walk to timbucktoo with me caring any less abt it...i do what i want todo, what are historical baggages gotta do with determining our future actions...history is supposed to be read, understood, taken as a preventive for similar mistakes and then thrown into where it rightly belongs--the trash can.life needs to move on and traintickets need to be booked..."

Haah! Kakimaa, u r right! Life moves on................

2004-07-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

Somehow this is getting to be one history site...where like Janus, i tend to look back all the time:-) When i am at it, why not do it once again? especially considering the fact that July 23rd is bang here? I wouldnt want to even distinctly remember July 23rd five years back. It all happened so fast that we were left grappling...July 9th or so was the time we had been to Chennai for a supposed 'fun-tour' coupled with a 'routine' check up for Ma...well, we had made plans in fact that once the 'boring check ups' get over and Dad left for his AGM and board meetings, we'd sneak away to Marina, the ashta lakshmi or some such place...well, classic case of man proposes and God disposes? the thud that came from nowhere --just about nowhere--to hear the dreaded 'C' word is something that makes me have a raw chill running down my spine even now...things like these never seemed to happen to any of 'us'..if at all they did, they did to people in some distant planet or in bollywood movies where such characters would be hero worshipped or made super-martyrs of..but to one of us???

It was shock, disbelief, distress, helplessness and a plethora of unexplainable, unsurmountable emotions...we didnt speak after that...all through the way till we reached Bangalore...Ma was looking out of the shatabdi window dazed...no response whatsoever...the next few days were those of intense trauma and confusion..million people, million opinions...frantic trips to so many hospitals and getting so little in return. Srilu aunty and Mukund uncle stood by us like always...what to say of Mamatha aunty--she was strength personified, though i knew she'd break down if i just prodded her a bit..

we finally zeroed in on the Bangalore hospital and Dr subba rao and July 23rd for the 'major' surgery...Dr rao was as candid as he could-'anything could happen, you are intelligent and educated people. so be ready to accept what comes your way...hope she survives the surgery"...that was as cold as it could get...and Dad and me looked at each other and didnt know what to say...For all his apparent tough exterior, Dad simply cannot handle pressures--especially emotional ones...and so, as always, somehow the onus of keeping them all in good humour--Dad, Ma and Ajji who was getting as frantic as one could imagine--fell on me...dunno how and where i got the strength to steer myself and others on this one...this morning, i was dumbfound when Dad actually recollected those days and said 'But for you around, i would ave completely broken down'. i was just wondering this morning after he spoke to me--i didnt cry a SINGLE time in front of any of them...and wonder how i cud pull that off?!! I was appeared so stoic to the extent of being unconcerned and dispassionate!

Fighting cancer is by no means easy...especially if its malignant and is located right in your lungs behind your heart...it wages a dual war on both the patient and his family...it requires quite some skill to beat this enemy...Ma had a VIP suite kinda room in the Bangalore hospital! But none of us needed any of it...July 22nd night was terrible..none of us spoke anything...none of us slept...i had learnt the mahamrityunjay jaap from Ajji ;that i kept repeating quietly without anyone knowing abt it..that was JUST all that i could do..or anyone of us could...

The nurses and ward attendants came at around 6 am..asked Ma to get ready..she took a nice bath and actually joked saying Ha! who knows this could be my last one! and even took potshots on herself in that crazy hospital gown of herz! she was so cool then that it gave us more strength...but that was till the stretcher came along...it gave a bad feeling..and the bloody nurse who tagged along had the audacity to tell me and Dad who were looking without batting an eyelid-" see her nicely..it could be the last time"...at that point, both of them broke down and i kept my gaze straight to not let the tears trickle..i just whispered the mrityunjay jaap in her ears and said..listen, u have to see me pass out of BITS pilani...whoz going to baby sit the 10-11 kids that ive always planned to have?? she smiled, gave me a tight hug, continued crying, before she was whisked away in the lift on that very stretcher...

the 3 hour long surgery was hell for us--as much as it might have been for her...thanks to a kind aayah we actually managed to tiptoe slyly into the ICU where she was shifted immediately after the surgery...it was a HORRID sight...with all the tubes and instruments attached and she being unable to fix her gaze at anything and breathing very heavily...the junior doc shooed us off ..and we went to Dr Rao's chamber..he was coolly checking his yahoomail after the surgery...part of daily business!! said-congrats, she has survuved a major operation..we had to open the rib cage, cut off half the left lung...here it is----" and a pink piece of flesh that looked terribly scary.." the white stuff you see there--thats the cancer..im sorry Mr Sampath, but its malignant tumour..no secondaries as yet..but bad enough..may be she'll have to go through chemo and stuff"....

the next few days were as bad as bad could get...i had my bits registration date nearing...Ma refused to allow me to drop the sem...she said come every month if u please, but no dropping the sem...i'll manage! SHe said a resolute NO to chemo saying quality of life was more important than quantity and i respect her decision...it pained to see her not being able to even move without wrenching her face and fists with great pain and agony...the loooong tube that pierced her spine till the front end and sucked out the liquid into a bottle was no less than the mythological allegories to hell....

we've put this all behind her...the heroic person that she is with a tremendous will power, she actually forced herself back to her feet within 2 months...cant think of anyone whoz got so much courage, so much strength, so much will power....today--touchwood--she looks and appears as fine as anyone of us, and im sure she actually is..deep down there is this lurking fear of kal ho na ho even inside her...but she never shows it off..and anyway i do hope and pray that the fear is totally unjustified..

well, Ma, you wont read this, nor will i be telling you this cos im terribly bad at expressing myself --but then im proud to have u as my mom and its awe, admiration, respect and tonne loads of love that i have for you...I'm sure you wont disappoint me with the baby-sitting thingy...see, i just dont see myself having that much moolah to hire a baby sitter:-))

2004-07-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

Something happened in the past week...an event of significance, but one that got drowned in the mire of myriad other happenings...today when i am 'relatively' free, the thought suddenly hit me from nowhere--especially after i got this call from Pilani. The past week saw me absolving myself--body, mind and spirit--from a movement that was part of me, something that i identified myself with, something for which i wouldnt mind taking up the cudgels with my own family members at times:-) I always wondered how certain religious sects could disown a person they loved with a mere utterance of three words...today im left wondering how i managed to do that with even less:)

But then therez no looking back, therez no re-think. The wish to leave it all has haunted all the time. I have threatened to do that so many times in the past too--many a times to absolve myslef of some wrong-doing in the movement, many a time to ensure people work the way i want them to! but this time around it was a deep sense of hurt..no no it wasnt as if my ego was hurt...but the realization that i was too too small and inconsequential a cog in the wheel...so much so that i was asked to prove my commitment and my decisions and their intentions n credibility brought under question...i had done this quitting business before; in Pilani too, when motives were ascribed to a certain concert i had organized and yet again when i was told politely told to lay off...but then, last saturday, crossed all limits. by the end of the day, i felt as helpless as a novice--literally running from pillar to post to salvage a non-existent reputation!

Nivedita doesnt approve of this...but then, there are so many issues on which Nivi and me would love to agree to disagree...she is the perennial fighter, a crusader who just doesnt call it quits till she wins or atleast has put in her best defence. I dont think i have it in me...nor the inclination and the time...convenient escape route eh!? She's called me a million times after that, asking me just this-'are u OK'? ..cos she could make out my voice getting choked regularly and me trying hard to battle tears..gosh! didnt know this was so much a part of me that letting go of it would be so tough!

Im sure things would change..UN tells me that by doing what im doing, im playing to the machinizations of those who want to hurt me..she told me that the world doesnt care for your hurt...in fact the minute you show them your weak spot, they;d love to use it time and again to hurt you more in the pursuit of some hedonistic pleasure...so, by keeping this hurt within yourself you are just letting the canker grow inside...how true! No, but i still have this small crusade to rid the movement of some people here...iam doing it in my own quiet,subtle way..without making as much a noise as perhaps nivi would:-) Plan to leave after that...not sure if the magnetism of the whole movement will let me go...its addictive..it draws you without your knowledge..that is if you are sensitive enough,...if you have always used it as a mere tool of gratification---a photo opp with celebrities, a chance to rub shoulders with the high and mighty, the passport to good food at the guest-house (as it is to some!)--then sure we dont belong to the same league. I wouldnt want to sound drab with what all i have got from it --just this would suffice--i have begun the process of self discovery and inner voyage; (this is no doubt an endless voyage) --thanks to the movement...but the scene now doesnt seem conducive for such inner silos--politicisation, one-upmanship, crassness, Biharisation(if i may use the term much to Anshuman bhai's dislike!) dont go hand-in-hand with something like this!!

well...Ma wouldnt believe...she told me 'ive been hearing this since god knows when and im sure you'll forget your resolve and jump at the first opportunity..."...well, Ma, you know me best...so perhaps you are right in a way;-)) !

2004-07-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

July 16 today....a date that always left a lump in the throat for a long time...real strange to know how time flies..its been 15 years today since Pushpa mashi left us. I was too small to perhaps comprehend the meaning of someone 'leaving' you for good. the very thought was killing. Its always difficult to accept the fact that you'll never be able to see someone you love so dearly, and that too forever. Add to that the circumstances of departure and the suddenness and the strangeness of the whole thing--seems bizarre! Couldnt help but feel bad for Ma through the day today for all that she has had to endure...i salute her strength at times. how she single handedly steered the family through this crisis that day--even as i watched in awe and disbelief. A chill still runs down my spine when i think of July 16, 1989. When people compliment me on my supposed maturity(mental that is!) and ask me to list reasons--well, i couldnt possibly tell them these numerous instances, could i? If at class 5, i got down to read something like the 'Savitri' of Sri Aurobindo to understand why exactly did mashi leave, the repurcussions were bound to be there for life, right? Death is a great leveller, it is also a great teacher. Sometimes i wonder why people get scared of death...it is certain..we are all born with one thing for sure and that is our deaths. So why the anxiety for the certain? are we anxious of whether the sun would rise or set? NO...cos we know it is BOUND to happen. What we fear and feel anxious abt is perhaps the vagaries that are unexplained--is it going to rain today and spoil my picnic plans?? so its life that is uncertain--each day, each moment--and hence it is life that needs to be feared..not death which no one can escape! hmmmm...

the flip side is that the day is also the birthday of a very close friend and Ash you are wished the best today, as always!! thanks to you, July 16 atleast assumed a better dimension..else how i'd wish the day to end fast! I hope you are reading this somewhere...the reticent laconic me has never managed to tell you this, but then the fact remains that you are valued and cherished! what better day to tell you this than on your very special one:-))?

2004-07-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

The last post i must say is dedicated to SH--my sweetheart:)) But for her perennial inspiration and love, i wouldnt have written what i wrote!! Thanks for ALWAYS being there SH:-))

2004-07-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Gandhi ji had once said that india would be considered truly independent if in the middle of the night a woman could walk alone in the streets without fear of being hunted down...now 60 years after MKG original told this, me, MKG-the-second, adds a caveat--ditto for a man:-) well, im NOT high on alcohol--yesterday's effect couldnt have lingered on, could it??!

but why i say what i say is because of this rather bizarre incident that occured tonight. Innocent me went to the concert of AAT this evening--thinking all the while i sat through there about our long, stressful relationship--one that was never meant to be, but which consumed a lot of our energies at some point of time. Luckily we'd gotten over it now--or had we? Atleast it didnt appear so..atleast not with me. She looked as beautiful as ever and...aah! well..

Bid her a farewell with tonnes of promises to keep in touch and meet again bla bla bla and walked down to bandra station...was 11.30 in the night...the platform looked deserted..just one or two hapless souls around. The message board announcing which train would arrive and in how many minutes also had stopped working(strange..never happens)..so wasnt too sure if i was on the right platform..looked around and saw a well built man sauntering around and this is how our brief "conversation" went on-

"Bhai sahab,Borivili ke liye train yahin se jaathi hai na?"
"haan lagtha tho aisa hi hai..kahan jana hai aapko..?"
"hmmm..andheri...aapko?
"hmmm...malad..mera dost yahan aane wala tha, nahin aaya, tho main..etc etc(didnt listen cos i felt it didnt concern me who he came to meet and why...but the general polite me, doesnt cut any conversation and nodded along with the characteristic dumb smile to give company!)...waise aap karthe kya hain?"
"main? main...well..main kaam kartha hoon..citibank mein"(made this up cos i didnt want to reveal my identity)
"accha, wowow! tho aap andheri mein akele rehthe hain"?
"nahin we share the room"
"koi bahar wala aake aapke saath rahe tho aapko dikkat hogi"?
"(what a question? wherez this guy getting to? whyz the fuckin train not coming as yet)...huh?? obviously hogi bhai sahab...mujhe nahin tho mere sathiyon ko...kyun pooch rahe hain aap"?
"nahin nahin aise hi...hee hee"
"ok"
"bombay mast jagah hai na? yahan log bahot enjoy kar sakthe hain..aap karthe hain"
"haan..thoda bahot..time nahin miltha..jab miltha hai tabhi..."
"kya karthe hai"
"well, multiplex, beach walks, churchgate...bla bla"
"enjoy nahin karthe"?
"arrey yahi tho enjoyment hai"
"ohh ok..aap maharashtrian hain?"
"(what the hell...!)..nahin main assamese hoon..(forgot the capital of assam was guwahati)..siliguri se hoon...(his geography was anyway worse than mine! he didnt protest or contradict me!)
"main punjab se hoon...punjabi nahin hoon...marwadi hoon..mere dada par dada..."(dude..gimme a break!)
"bandra mein log bahot enjoy karthe hain...aap nahin karthe"?
"(i was irritated now)..arrey bola tho pehle hi"
"nahin yahan ladke log bahot enjoy karthe hain"
"mathlab kya enjoy ka"?
"wahi homosex wagairah..aap aise shauk nahin rakhthe?"
"(BOSS!! HELLO?? AAT whom i just met n came would die of a cardiac arrest if she heard this..wat'd happen to her, SN, NB, MN, AR....the long list!!?) NAHIN...sorry"
"arrey ek baar try karne mein kya harj hai?"
"hello mister..i told u im NOT the kinds..sorry!"
"gussa math hona boss..i saw u standing there..and i must admit..u r EXTREMEEEEEELY handsome (wish someone else had told this!) and my heart skipped a beat...just give me one night..please..u have nothing to lose.."
"(now i was gettin real scared and also angry--the guy was physically stronger in any case) thanks for the compliments BHAI SAHAB, but im straight and also committed ..so, sorry!"

By then the bloody fuckin train made its way...i ensured that i didnt end up in the same compartment...didnt know what to do as i was reminiscing the conversation as the train meandered from khar road to santa cruz to vile parle to ..my Andheri. got out in the usual thud that the Mumbai locals make u to...just casually turned back and at a distance whom do i see??? the same wierdo!!!! hey, didnt he say Malad..tats beyond Borivili...wat was he doing here in Andheri? he smiled..waved at me..implored me to wait..i ran like it was no one's business..turned back...saw him hastening too...knew smthing was amiss..caught the rick ( no no plz dont pun this with any rhyming word now!!!) and told him "Bhawans...jaldi...chahe tho 200 rs bhi doonga..jaldi chalo"
as the rick took off..i waved a big flying kiss to our pal who had come out of the station almost panting...hey didnt know i had this much of sex-appeal:-) ( though for the wrong reasons here, that i wudnt want ever again!)

MKG-senior? listening? wud u care to alter ur definition of free-india? Me, a 25 year old supposed adult male, with a 2 degrees to my credit--a postgrad at that, doing an MBA in one of India's top 10 B skools...had to run for my life to save my "chastity"(if it existed)and "virginity"(no comments on this one too!)from a MAN! aah!! wat the %$#@.?
hey, ive never been a homophobe...im not the old fashioned sorts who look down and ridicule upon ppl who r just different for no fault of theirs--just hormonal interplay...all through life, have had some good friends who thought "differently", but hello! even i was aghast today! come on!! this is no way of wooing, if at all it was one! when the person has made it CLEAR to you that his orientation is straight and fine, why hound him? live n let live boss??

well...i'm snug and safe in my bed...alone that is(!)...for once, just once, i cud empathize with the kinds of insecurities that the feminine of the species have to face everyday...the diurnal struggle they face...phew! it cud be really terrifying, real real terrifying! aaaaaaaahhhh...no more...AAT , im meeting u trrow ..just in case ive gotten "confused" myself in the bargain:-)))))

2004-07-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Generally took time off to visit the Hare krishna Mandir today...had visited the place many a times on Saturdays with the singular hope of having the pleasure of listening to the woman who had mesmerized us with her voice exactly a year ago when Ma, Malati and me were there. Boy! that was an evening i'd never forget...with all the 'listener's' experience behind me, i could well claim that she was the BEST singer i'd ever encountered..all our classical divas with their machinizations of the notes and rigid jargonry coupled with the theoritical moorings would fall absolutely flat before this lady whose voice seemed to be totally unbounded by limits...there was an element of bhakti -devotion--in all that she sang...her face reflected it as did her voice...she 'felt' what she sang, rather than making it a rhythmic or arithmetical rendition of jugglery...at the end of it last year, i seriously had tears in my eyes...and i turn around and see and Ma too was definitely moved. we didnt feel like speaking after that...the calmness made its way deep down the system. THAT is the power of Indian music; but alas that is one aspect most artists forget to inculcate! they reduce music to mere showdom. technically it might be sound--the tala may match the mridangam's beats or the Taans may sound fine--but without the element of bhaav--it all ends up like a beautiful corpse--beautiful no doubt, yet lifeless...! no food for the soul.

Well, yesterday, there wasnt much activity in the temple due to some construction work...quite uncharacteristic of a weekend there! But somehow didnt feel like moving away--i thought it was just inertia of rest...but may be it wasnt just that...as i looked around lazily and visibly bored--i spotted a familiar face all draped in a white saree, with that characteristic rosary bag hanging down the neck, with a grin as wide as it could get that was being showered at all and sundry with total generosity, helping some unknown lady in the queue to get her new born infant blessed at the diety's feet ! Bingo! it was she! the wait was worth it after all! Just cudnt wait to hear her sing again...of course there was this funny mother-daughter pair waiting in the queue to render bhajans...the bengali duo did all the shoving around and the mother tried her best to promote her cute-looking daughter:-) She was good no doubt, but it fell flat after a while..till madam took over! And man, magic unfolded again...each note was nectar, and this is no exaggeration...i seriously have all but admiration for this anonymous artist of great calibre...one doesnt need to be a kishori amonkar to touch people's hearts--with no disrespect to kishori ji ofcourse(!)...what comes from the heart, touches the heart. and its easier if the heart at the receiving end is a sensitive one. After the session i couldnt but resist this urge to talk to her..i touched her feet and said -Didi, ive been wanting to hear u once again since a year..i have no words to describe the way you sing and the way it affects me...im stupified! she was totally caught unwares and seemed very amused...and said arrey why are you touching my feet, this is the lord's place..worship him, not me! I told her that i too was a worthless student of music myself and hence anyone who sings so well is a natural guru for me! She laughed and told me-i'm so happy to know that such people still exist in the world...sing, sing, sing all your woes away..dedicate yoursel--mind, body, spirit to Him through your song...sing with your eyes closed till the time you manage to see HIM in between your eyebrows..mind you, you will certainly feel His presence then...nothing moves HIM more than music..the fact that you were so moved shows His element is in a surfeit more in your case..dont let that go waste...and with that characteristic simplicity put her hand on my head and evanesced in the crowds before i could say anything more. i was totally stumped...have never met someone like this before.

the calmness had percolated deep within and it felt so wonderfully nice to be at absolute peace and equanimity with yourself for a long time............

2004-06-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Its been a year now since magic unfurled in a very strange and in the most unexpected way. Didnt have the vaguest of clues as to what i was getting into or what awaited me. But then as much flattering as it was, it was equally scary and definitely not very comforting. Have perhaps never been so lost in the sea of confusion as then...i didnt know what i was talking and whether i meant all that i said. well, the introspection continues--was i unfair or was it the other way round. No straight answers possible for that one. Now it all seems like one nice little dream (nightmare at times!)--all those hours of talking, the giggles, the pleadings, the tears, the confusion, the 'analyzing the constraints'...well, i definitely had constraints--those that few or none knew of and there was no way of putting it across, till perhaps the very end. The worldz a huge place and wonder where we are lost now...do not have the guts to dial the 7 digits on the cell...may be i messed up and that too big time. But then, this was more pressure than i could possibly handle..it was new to me...i felt like too much of an adolescent school boy...and to top it, none to give sage counsel. The few i thought would help me out, let me down in the worst possible way...but isnt that what 'friends' are supposed to do :-)

At the end of the day, there was perhaps a sense of release...tearful no doubt, but nonetheless a gumption to get back to the inanities of life..its a different thing that catastrophe awaited me in less than a week after that! somehow in the past few days a lot of skeletons from the cupboard have been falling down memory lane...dunno why? else imagine me giving others a lecture on fidelity and how 'it just happens'..ME?? haha! I'm definitely and surely missing someone here, the pillow, the blue background, the white circumambulation, the sandwich at the airport, the article, freshers party, the sms-es, the chats, the constraints, the horos, hours of talking by the rain, missed flights, postponed flights, the vada at vrindy, tagore's collection(it might have been consigned to the flames by now!), the hug, the walk by the beach, the loss of conviction, the recurrent fone calls, KT's intervention, the night blast from the friend and the END! ohh it seems like a roller coaster! somewhere deep down, therez regret on lost opportunities, on what i threw away or had no other option but to...wherever the person is, all thatz wished is tonne loads of happiness and total amnesia abt a fickle minded, pompous, nincompoopish, silly brat of a bum who ultimatelly withered under pressure! God bless!

2004-06-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

'Lakshya' was one movie i'd love to remember for a long long time...superb cinematography and screenplay, taut script, apparently not too much of chest beating jingoism and stellar performances by the lead players...somehow this director seems to know his business...and somehow each of his creations, i seem to identify with..if it was the Sid and subsequently Akash that i could mirror myself in ( though i didnt get half as lucky as Akash did in DCH--my fault too, screwed it all up to a large extent..was clueless how to handle smthing so Himalayan!), Karan in his earlier avtaar seemed a take from my life..u see ppl arnd u being super sure abt what they want to do in life (atleast as far as a career goes) and here i am sitting with a multitude of degrees and yet being as lost as the southwest monsoon winds are over Mumbai right now!
Confusion and me seem to have been born of the same womb...we share the same genetic font perhaps! was/am and will never be sure of what i want in life or what i want to do with it..."dont you ever get bored in life"--the hero asks and the heroine smugly replies "therez so much happening in the world that therez little time to get bored"..haah! What do i care abt whats happening with the world dudette? Boredom is something thats more deep and intrinsic..its when u get bored of the routine, the people, the city u live in, the sacks u hit each nite...in short with urself at regular time intervals..and how does a George bush or a Vajpayee or the numerous other happenings across continents have anything to do with it?

But then there was a difference...the second half of the movie did show a dramatic turn...our protagonist found himself a goal and knew how to work for it...(may be the scornful nymphet had her contribution here?)...the fact remains that i DONT! I still see myself singing that animated robotic song..'Main aisa kyun hoon.....'???
Its good to work for a goal, its better and perhaps best to find one and perhaps early in life when u cud divert ur youthful energies towards their consummation...but somehow,down the 25 milestones, may be ive been too caught up with settings things right for others ( many a time screwing it up too!)--well, im no messiah or good samaritan, still---that perhaps ive never thought of helping one person really fervently--MYSELF! May be its too late now or...may be it still isnt? well, told u --confusion and me are siblings:-)Is it good to be confused, clueless, searching ur way through the deep dark jungles of life...? or does it give one a sense of pride, machismo and what nots to be walking steadfast towards Peak 5139(or whatever that was!?)...and once the hero does achieve, then he has adulators going gaga over him...the same abusive father, the ever-comparing mother, the scornful dudette, the dismissive higher-ups...he gets them all...and allz well that ends well..so ultimatley all that people are looking for in life is adulating the achievers and damning the not so fortunate non-achievers? why then squueze that dialogue " tum acche insaan ho..."?? does it pay to be one? does the world care a penny for the "accha insaan" or does it just want it to be "laskhya bhedis"?

well...im confused :-))

2004-06-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

After lots and lots of appointments, re-appointments and cancellations, AM and me finally met up today...! perhaps today was the ONLy day both of us made the earnest effort to see the meet through; cos it was now or never again in the near future...he was leaving Mumbai this eve. after hordes of confusion through the day, finally zeroed in on the evening at barista in the airport..loud music, crazy foreigners, conjested environs..yet a nice tete-a-tete...got the new CF from him that CH had sent along. Looked good at first sight( ofcourse not when i saw a certain snap!)..shud find the time to read it up..( that reminds me..im yet to finish Tuesdays with morrie and begin the Da Vinci code:-(! )...dunno why but the talk with AM left me with a heavy heart; totally disoriented and somewhat disturbed...precisely those topics or those people whom i dont want to discuss or think about, get discussed--rather inadvertently and unintentionally. Each time I've tried to put the past behind me, its come back with an added vengeance. Past haunts and lucky are the ones who dont get haunted or dont let their past lives interfere in the present and future. I for one, do not belong to that priveleged class...and here im not blaming AM or anyone who brings these things back to life--its just genuine concern on their part and even i feel nice while talking abt it..but its only later that i realize its left me with a sour taste...i better stop here...dont wanna get into this loop again!

2004-06-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Last few days have been ones where my date with sleep has been at its worst...hardly a couple of hours a day..and the repurcussions are there to see! Had to get rid of QM and so that was a night-out..once QM was through, it was really GREAT to meet Nivedita in Bombay...have never gotten tired of speaking with her..one power house of mirth and merriment she is! We chatted for nearly 3 hours at McDonalds till the guy there started giving us obvious looks imploring exit:-)Went to the Spicmacay convention at IIT..had planned to attend most of them; but somehow the schedule played spoil sport..managed to steer through the mirky politics of the place and sit through an enchanting evening woven by Pt Shiv Kumar sharma ( the Puriyadhanashree was quite pleasing--though i didnt like him trying his hands at hystrionics just to win applause) and Pt Dinakar Kaikini. the following days were one of really hectic work..all work, no sleep. yet managed to make it to Dr Balamurali krishna's programme despite all the hiccups on the way..at times it felt boring to go all the way alone, with none to share even the appreciation of a certain nuance. but BMK was really good...Abhogi was neat...many fast paced short pieces cud certainly be more elaborated and most importantly wish he spoke more..wonder why Carnatic guyz are so reticent and laconic.

With juniors around, the clock seemed to have come full circle...its been one year..and so much has changed ever since..so many things happened! Here was a new batch of kids with stars in their eyes--some of these wud last, some wud end up as shooting stars..anyway, for now, they HAD to bear our 'hoax parties', all night 'ragda' sessions( a.k.a. ragging), early morning yoga shibirs and what not..none of us seemed to realise that in the bargain we were ragging ourselves the maximum...aah! i still have a heavy head n a rumbling tummy..wish i cud this all away and just sleep sleep sleep..till eternity!

2004-06-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

2004-06-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Its been eons now since ive scribbled here...no excuses i can think of for playing truant.had this nice, short vacation back to Bangalore last month end. Just decided to take a break from this maddening place. Met Srini and Suka a few days back at Bandra and we decided to take our trip down memory lane sitting at bandstand:-)while discussing people i soemtimes get confused or rather lost abt whats the link that makes me know them-were they bitsian, are they from sp jain or from cottons...or wherever..uggh! forget it..im blabbering. Home was so very refreshing. And each time I make a trip home and see the enormous efforts that Ma and Dad put to make my stay as comfortable and enjoyable as possible; at each of those times, i regret at having been so very unfair to them, of not having lived up to the "ideal son" image! May be they feel i have, but i personally dont. And boy! what a hoopla there was on the day thats called as my birthday. as much as i wanted it to be an extremely quiet and introspective day, it turned out to be one garrulous jambooree of odd visitors and acquaintances with cliched wishes and silly claptrap. People whom i expected would call, didnt. But those that i didnt, did. May be thats what life is all abt, eh? SD lit my eve with a bash at Pizza hut..felt so silly after being made to stand on a table there and people around singing the birthday song! and 25 is a nice number. It is, as UN put it, the time when "thinking" starts(??!)..dont know what she meant by that? But somehow multiples of 5 seem like milestones. and it felt nice to have covered one such milestone(not too sure of what all i picked up on the way!), at the same time, not too sure of how many more of these would come my way.Needless to say, i missed someone like never before on this day--right through the day, every minute and in every breath!

We remembered Ajji on the 30th with her departure covering a neat half -year..time flies, but strangely doesnt heal..in my case atleast! Kaku was telling me that after a while these become ritualistic remembrances--like how most of our politicians get remembered...I gave him the wickedest of my looks possible for speaking something so very strange and implausible. To prove that you are iconoclast you neednt always gibber, should u? With the twinkle in his eye, he however said, curse me, but someday u'll realise that im telling you is true..aah! Bloody hell..

Bangalore was one rain filled cold place this May--the coolest May in 100 years or so the newspapers read. Whatever, the rains ensured that i made a last minute diving dramatic entry to the airport just 15 mins before my plane could depart; as usual not being able to give Ma and Dad a tight hug and tell them what they mean to me! Back to the rut ever since.....sleep lagged, worn out, overworked, mechanized, de-sensitised, disillusioned and the whole gamut of things that management education brings with it:-))

2004-05-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Its been so long since i logged into the cozy environs of the page, the page that takes all the bullshit from me and never speaks a word in retaliation! The last week has been action-packed...i've had a re-play of pilani with all the lugging lock-stock-barrel from the hostel to the newly built flats...living in mumbai has become so much more of a pleasure now! then the short break at Vashi with Kaka, Kaki, Malati and Bami...Malati and me went on our usual conversation mode till 2 in the night..till Kaku made his characteristic somnambulist appearence imploring us to hit the sacks!! Malati and me can go on and on and on--therez hardly any topic we havent covered! The biggest casualty of the week was ofcourse the shocking fall of the central government and a resurgence of a party that had been written off...all the hoopla surrounding the foreign origins however fizzled out with the czarina's surprise decision to opt out of the top post and hand it over to an able ace-economist instead! the lady has the knack to throw up surpsies on others..the proverbial twist in the tale sorts! then made a few worthless visits to the ENT...poor hapless soul told me there was no way he'd be able to help me out on this one and that was very much what i expected out of him or anyone in the field of medicine:-)--barring Kakima ofcourse!

A rather "blotted" week otherwise too--negotiations, parleys, haggling, pleading, threatening, despair, tears and nothingess at the end of it all--damn them all, let them roast in hell fire...all they who speak high and mighty abt "value for values"...forgive them Lord, for they know not what they say or do!
But out of nothing comes up something...its always happened in all my past despondencies.so perhaps this despair was a precursor to walia happening somewhere down the lane??? As i write this just after a two hour nice and memorable 'walk-the-talk' along the sea...with ofcourse the 'blue coloured butter scotch mucky yucky stick' to give us royal company all along the way:-))Hah! what a week its been and what a discovery at the end of it all...! Wise men wud sum this up as the silver lining that dots every dark cloud..but how'd i know..i ain't wise anyways!

2004-05-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

Kanka had called today and we spoke for kind of 2 long hrs...the silly woman was contemplating ending her life and all that and it took all my persuasive powers to try and make her give up the idea...if she survives, ive succeeded...rather strange to think that love can drive you to something as crazy as eliminate yourself...i mean, c'mmon, no onez worth your life after all! therez so much more that life can offer or rather you can get life to offer for you than hold it hostage to a person's whims and fancies...strange malady this is! aah! all the cajoling, coaxing, threatening, pleading...hope they bear some fruit..wudnt want her to leave this way...we share this special bond; have shared so much with each other in the past few months that it kind of leaves me with a lump in the throat...but i wonder why all such characters veer around me for advice??? its happened so often in the past and continues to happen all the time! I kind of magnetically attarct is it, with some Agony Uncle tag written all over me...lemme b cruel and selfish and say --hey look, i have a million travails and ordeals of my own..this is seriously too much for me to take in at this point? or just say dispassioantely as many do- im sorry, im busy, catchya later! the prob is i never do this...but then no regrets from my side atleast...mom can keep on talking about this and hold it against me, but then i like to do it..so whats her prob? Haah! end of day..just hoping that sense prevails on the woman...oxymoron, i know...but still :-))

2004-05-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

Don't wanna write abt how bad im feeling right now or what the reason for that is...as it is half the world knows about it..wouldnt want the other half to know too!! they r better off remaining ignorant about it...

2004-05-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

Have been too held up over the past few days...just didnt get time to scribble things down...
Wednesday turned out to be a fiasco...KT and me going to Dadar and waiting for the Train that never arrived(!) and all the jostling and scrambling in the local trains...had this distinct urge to run away from this maddening city by end of day...it gets on you at times. things appear nice as long as you are within campus...the minute you step out into the 'wilderness' -reality hits you with a thud!

Thursday went off much better than I had expected it to! The 6 weeks of DOCC efforts paid off with a well wound presentation...guess the AVB female was truly impressed! Things spoken with some degree of conviction and sincerity always invariably strike a chord. Spoke to Kanka that night...somehow feels bad to speak to the woman..and we've shared a lot over the past few months and a certain bond despite the 10 odd years that separate us. Therez so little to give her in terms of consolation because most of what shez gone through is something I have perpetrated on someone else and simultaneously been the victim of..seems strange and disconnected? well, so be it.

Whoooooops! I'd wind up this rather disconnected series with a question...how would it feel to have a younger bro sweeping the famed Indian institutes of management?? Friday May 7th probably had the answer:-))

2004-05-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

KT landed up today from nowhere...characteristic of him..pops up a surprise each time...and he seldom comes alone..the "toli" he carries with him, usually prevents me from having this small little personal talk always! Anyways! The intelligent me didnt realize i had a torn trouser pocket through which my room keyz made a convenient and easy exit--without my knowledge..so there was absolutely no place i could seat my guests:-) The sweltering heat of Mumbai further accentuated the desire to sit in an Airconditioned movie hall and doze off while the actors rattled their dialogues- most often I lose track--especially of the Hindi ones--the loooong, tiresome plots and subplots with plethora of song and dance sequences peppered in between, juxtaposing themselves in a totally disconnected fashion; what to speak of the same hackneyed theme of guy-meeting-girl and the rest...i know im rambling..went to Shadi ka Laddoo and man! it was quite unlike the usual Hindi claptraps..weak themes no doubt..but reminded me of one of those old Hrishikesh da kinda movies--who can forget 'Golmal' and 'Bawarchi' and the like! Absolutely stupid plots; but worth a laugh... with real life comparisons notwithstanding:-) Had a good laugh after a really really really really long time...damn! i havent yet forgotten the art!

Krishna mandir and Juhu beach were as crowded as ever...the high tide induced by the full moon had crowds swelling..was telling KT--Mumbai epitomizes the phrase 'city bursting at its seams'..there are ppl, vehicles, trucks, beggars, hijras everywhere..its a mad mad rush..totally insensitive city..much unlike my good old Bangalore..which though has surely got into the rat race of modernism--still maintains an ioata of its old glory and regal charms--you atleast get to see greenery there and the traffic is so much more organized and disciplines..wonder how ppl drive in Mumbai!! The Samosa ragda and Nariyal pani werent any good either..kept getting disconnected on and off...as has been happening offlate...lost in thoughts of nothing in particular...a certain wish that everything and everyone around just disappears, or evaporates and you are left all to yourself to embrace the expanse of the Universe around you..you and the Universe..impossible to achieve, yet worth fathoming? Empty talks, crazy jokes ( the so-called hallowed 'sense of humour'), shallow gibberish just dont seem to appeal anymore...it in fact gets on my nerves; forget being a party to it...KT is too shrewd not to observe this disconnection of mine; but perhaps didnt want to probe...was rather too busy SMSing Gitu (!) or whoever it was from the harem--as i'd told the person sometime back, that this issue was just not a matter of concern to me! Hey, am i becoming too snobbish? too old (mentally)?. unable to see/enjoy the trivialities of life?
Duuhhhh...dont know!..dont care...!

2004-05-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

Just found this somewhere...made good food for thought though...so just thought of putting it down here..

"They tell me God is the creator of all things. Then why do we have so much desruction around? They tell me he is the protector of all things, then why would human morality be in this advanced state of decay. They tell me that God is the destroyer of all things. How can someone destroy his own creation, unless there is an underlying element of destructiveness in his sub-conscious psyche? And, is not God supposed to be the manifestation of all things perfect?

May be he is not. And, may be devil is just his alter ego - a Jekyl and Hyde. Then God and Devil become two sides of the same coin, each incomplete without the other. God's purpose is to create. The devil's purpose is to destroy what God creates. Is it not important to mantain a balance? Just imagine if there were no carnivores in the forest. The plant-eaters would swell in number and cause havoc. Without the devil, all things that God creates would meet with the same fate.

Devil is just that side of God that most of us turn a blind eye to. We are too scared to even think that there could be someone with as much power whose only objective is to put it to destruction. But, does that mean we should not give him his due? Don't tell me that stuff like epidemics and floods are the work of God. He has infinite compassion and even if he is unhappy with his children he is not going to unleash a barrage of destruction.

The devil has tremendous power and with such great power come great chances of abusing that power. Does he abuse it? No. He uses it only for destruction, and that is his purpose."

2004-05-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

SD's Birthday today...in a way it was a special day for me too..after all we've been the thickest of friends for so many years now..have been mean, have been bad at many occasions (the converse is also true in quite some measure!!)...yet it lights up my heart to see a smile on that face..dunno why? Sent a buoquet, cards, mails, calls, sms-es...and kept feeling bad all day that I couldnt give the person a nice bear hug on this very special day!!!!

2004-05-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Long tiring day it was..too many classes for the day..had been to Juhu this evening. Visited the Hare Krishna temple there ( with Paati's 13th day ceremonies done today, I had the "official sanction" to visit temples--actually went there to pray for her! could get rid of the fortnight-old, tiresome beard too! )..the kind of mass hysteria that is compulsively sought to be created there somewhat doesnot appeal to me...found a rather quiet (relatively) corner near the tulsi plant outside..felt nice sitting there with eyes closed for a while with all the din appearing to come from a rather long distance...quite amusing, there are usually more people outisde the temple than inside--a motley crowd outside around the snack bar jostling with one another to have their share of the samosas and batata wadas and sachharine Bengali sweets ( how come Bongs aren't sweet people despite feeding themselves so copiously on sweets--aah! my prejudices once again!! Eveyonez not that way, come on!)....actually felt happy for Paati..she'd be much better off up there..free from all the tortures of her earthly dependencies...and 110 was a damn good score..! Dont even want to make a half of that score myself! Was lost in all these thoughts--didnt even realize i walked down the road, crossed Prithvi and was there to behold the Arabian sea in its mighty expanse...the beach; on a near full moonlit night..was raging in all its fury...didnt take my loooong customary walk--right from Citizen crossing Marriot, Sun n Sand and the quieter forlorn areas of the beach--felt too tired actually...Hey! feels nice to be clean shaven!

2004-04-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Been remembering Ajji all day today..not that I didnt yesterday or the day before or a week back..but somehow the mind refuses to accept that shez not there for me anymore...we keep having our conversations in the dreams; most of them aimed at advising me to get a grip over myself and my loss; only to be rudely interrupted by the morning daylight...how much we've spoken in the past 5 months since she left!! well, blog, its only me who knows how much my heart aches when I cross that lane...can almost see the apparition standing there by the gate amidst the flowering shrubs; with that typical, warm smile...i simply hate to walk past the gate..i'm telling you blog cos the world wouldnt understand...therez a lease period that the world gives us as stipulated for mourning..if you continue beyond that you become nuisance value--people get sick and tired of the pessimistic musings. but hey! im not exactly mourning...im happy for her fortune..but am sad for myself...am sad for the lost charms of ensuing may 27ths and Diwalis et al...strange right? so quickly we get back or rather forced to get back to normal lives, the person in question then becomes a mere photograph hung on a dusty wall...it hurts, makes one feel guilty..but hey, do we have a bloody option?? Dec 13 robbed me of soooooooo many treasures and shouldnt i even feel bad about it, come on, isnt it natural or isnt it my right ? the regrets shall haunt me till my grave--that i'd been rude offlate (had my reasons for that though!), had been quite dispassionate and unconcerned and didnt bother to satisfy her only desire--'Time'--to sit and hear the gibber! Instead, had been chasing mirages-people whom i thought were quintessential for my existence; who occupied my thoughts all the time; for whom i was ready to do anything and luckily now they are the same people who now no longer matter(though they did a mighty deal at that point of time)...is it always when we lose smthing that we realize its worth...months, years, decades would pass and the image of Ajji would perhaps get hazier and hazier.....or would it at all ??

2004-04-30T03:24:00.000-07:00

"An Entity is an entity, a Relationship is a relationship" rattles the enlightened RDBMS prof(?)--Relational database management systems for the uninitiated! How very enlightening! And we need to pay a lakh and a half to know just this huh? Indian educational system is somehow such a worthless ROI--Return on Investment. Be it BITS or the IITs or the IIMs or SP Jain, i guess the situation is as abysmal everywhere...the higher the ranking of an institute, the worse it ought to be...will things ever improve or my son or granddaughter is gonna sit in an RDBMS class filling his or her blog this way?? :-)

2004-04-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

Haah! lost my cool today...really gave Lakshmi a nice piece of my mind..later wondered how she'd have taken it..have gotten into this bad habit..get terribly irritated with people and then the ensuing rage seems to know no limits...i end up setting high standards for others and most often than not they fall short and that only heightens my misanthropism(if therez such a word!) ; atleast temporarily..the best way not to get irritated with others is by not associating with them at all...is it that simple?? People keep getting back to you and you need to keep getting back to them and then the whole cycle is revisited again and again:-)

2004-04-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

Just had a word with Pt Hariprasad Chaurasia...though i'd known him pretty well; as i was made his shadow when he visited Bangalore on the spicmacay circuit; there was some sense of unease...despite knowing someone pretty well, i get rather flustered to call someone up..who knows what state of mind the other person would be in; what if he/she gets into this mode of amnesia; what if he/she just bangs the phone on you saying they have better work?? well, call it paranoia or simple delirium..when i cud feel this way for a 'friend' (have still to decide on defining this obscure term!)imagine the butterflies in my stomach, on calling one of India's greatest flautists! But it pleasantly surprised me that he actually remembered me and said 'Haan bete, mujhe yaad hai, aap Bangalore mein airport aaye the mujhe receive karne"..that was a pretty bad day in Bangalore when pandit ji had come..there was curfew in town, bandh et al..if my memory doesnt fail me it was some new development thanks to the brigand veerappan...guess he had kidnapped someone again and there were protests all over...but as they say the show must go on..so, the onus of taking Panditji safely from the airport to his suite in the Oberoi was mine..and as i drove through empty streets; with the lurking fear of some unruly mob emerging from somewhere to stop us mid way--the tension was palpable..it wasnt just abt myself or my life that i was concerned; but of the person sitting behind...humming a tune..chewing on his supari and wilfully and joyously engaging in an interesting conversation with me...he had told me how despite coming from a family of pahalwans it was music that fascinated him and for that he had even eloped from home! It was in the house of a certain Oriya brahmin that he had taken shelter and the rest as they said was history...Pandit ji can really bowl you over by his simplicity, wit and sense of humour..he is someone who could see humour in even the simplest of things..absolutely no airs about himself..it kind of felt i was having a chat with an elder uncle..and he remembered and still remembers as i found out today, the risk i had taken to ferrry him safely that day in Bangalore...strange isnt it..for someone to remember another person whom he met 2 years back; for someone who meet scores of people daily and visits countries as though they were the neighbouring town...! the warmth in his voice really moved me.."kaise yaad kiya",he asked..."well..panditji, we'd be honoured agar aap sp jain mein perform karein..." " Zaroor..usmein kaun si badi baath hai" was the immediate reply..."june end mein rakh lena..date fix karke mujhe batha dena"..Deal done! as simple as it could get! Well, it beats me to think how ont he contrary many of us with absolute nothing to write on the wall or boast about have such bloated egoes about ourselves and our supposed achievements....what a show we make..as they rightly say empty vessels make the most noise..but then here was someone who had every reason to have airs..he has the name, the fame, the respect and an immense knowledge of the art form..yet so simple, so down to earth...wish we all could emulate such values..know that our earthly existence is quite insignificant...we are just a speck in the vast desert sands...that would open up new vistas of achievement and success for us, undoubtedly!

2004-04-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Had not been keeping too well today...and one of the worst things one does while unwell is lie enervated on the bed all day staring aimlessly at the ceiling fan..its just not my cup of tea..thought music would be a better companion. And trust me, have been listening to music like crazy all day..Ravi Shankar, Jasraj, Kishori, Balamuralikrishna, Lalgudi...u name them and i mustve heard atleast one of their compositions through the day!! it always fascinated me to think abt the high levels of creativity and innovativeness that our classical music genres present. an edifice is built from nothingness...the raga progresses slowly--its almost like the growth of a child. I feel tempted to draw this rather strange analogy with a burning incense stick..one that lets out fumes slowly in the beginning and then coughs them up galloppingly, so also the raga grows from its slow alaps to the glittering meander of taana, layakaris and akaras. As i heard one maestro after another, it rather amused me to think of the artifical divide that people have created between the 2 genres of Indian classical music...to me, they are the same...just different sides of the same coin, offsprings of the same mother--the raga. Why do people have to do this with everything--divide everything thats nice, put up one prop against another?? i may be a student of Carnatic music (and a pretty worthless one at that!), but most often than not its the soulful Dhrupad alap jod jhala or a vilambit khayal that moves me as much as perhaps a well done ragam tanam pallavi..wish people had larger hearts!! to me, nothing else takes me on a deeper journey within myself than music...a journey that ends atleast momentarily in vacuum and nothingness..where nobody matters, not even myself; where the earthly squabbles and the sheer mundaneness of our petty diurnal existences simply evanesce...its just the play of the seven notes that matter...something that feeds my soul, literally. How wrong was Shakespeare when he said when music given in excess, 'surfeiting the appetite might sicken and so die'...doesnt happen that way...the more u delve deep into the ocean, the more the pearls you discover and it adds a new element of inquisitiveness to your expedition to seek more... haah! all said and done, im still running a temperature of 103 deg and that could be pretty tiring:-)