Saturday, June 26, 2004

Its been a year now since magic unfurled in a very strange and in the most unexpected way. Didnt have the vaguest of clues as to what i was getting into or what awaited me. But then as much flattering as it was, it was equally scary and definitely not very comforting. Have perhaps never been so lost in the sea of confusion as then...i didnt know what i was talking and whether i meant all that i said. well, the introspection continues--was i unfair or was it the other way round. No straight answers possible for that one. Now it all seems like one nice little dream (nightmare at times!)--all those hours of talking, the giggles, the pleadings, the tears, the confusion, the 'analyzing the constraints'...well, i definitely had constraints--those that few or none knew of and there was no way of putting it across, till perhaps the very end. The worldz a huge place and wonder where we are lost now...do not have the guts to dial the 7 digits on the cell...may be i messed up and that too big time. But then, this was more pressure than i could possibly handle..it was new to me...i felt like too much of an adolescent school boy...and to top it, none to give sage counsel. The few i thought would help me out, let me down in the worst possible way...but isnt that what 'friends' are supposed to do :-)

At the end of the day, there was perhaps a sense of release...tearful no doubt, but nonetheless a gumption to get back to the inanities of life..its a different thing that catastrophe awaited me in less than a week after that! somehow in the past few days a lot of skeletons from the cupboard have been falling down memory lane...dunno why? else imagine me giving others a lecture on fidelity and how 'it just happens'..ME?? haha! I'm definitely and surely missing someone here, the pillow, the blue background, the white circumambulation, the sandwich at the airport, the article, freshers party, the sms-es, the chats, the constraints, the horos, hours of talking by the rain, missed flights, postponed flights, the vada at vrindy, tagore's collection(it might have been consigned to the flames by now!), the hug, the walk by the beach, the loss of conviction, the recurrent fone calls, KT's intervention, the night blast from the friend and the END! ohh it seems like a roller coaster! somewhere deep down, therez regret on lost opportunities, on what i threw away or had no other option but to...wherever the person is, all thatz wished is tonne loads of happiness and total amnesia abt a fickle minded, pompous, nincompoopish, silly brat of a bum who ultimatelly withered under pressure! God bless!

Monday, June 21, 2004

'Lakshya' was one movie i'd love to remember for a long long time...superb cinematography and screenplay, taut script, apparently not too much of chest beating jingoism and stellar performances by the lead players...somehow this director seems to know his business...and somehow each of his creations, i seem to identify with..if it was the Sid and subsequently Akash that i could mirror myself in ( though i didnt get half as lucky as Akash did in DCH--my fault too, screwed it all up to a large extent..was clueless how to handle smthing so Himalayan!), Karan in his earlier avtaar seemed a take from my life..u see ppl arnd u being super sure abt what they want to do in life (atleast as far as a career goes) and here i am sitting with a multitude of degrees and yet being as lost as the southwest monsoon winds are over Mumbai right now!
Confusion and me seem to have been born of the same womb...we share the same genetic font perhaps! was/am and will never be sure of what i want in life or what i want to do with it..."dont you ever get bored in life"--the hero asks and the heroine smugly replies "therez so much happening in the world that therez little time to get bored"..haah! What do i care abt whats happening with the world dudette? Boredom is something thats more deep and intrinsic..its when u get bored of the routine, the people, the city u live in, the sacks u hit each nite...in short with urself at regular time intervals..and how does a George bush or a Vajpayee or the numerous other happenings across continents have anything to do with it?

But then there was a difference...the second half of the movie did show a dramatic turn...our protagonist found himself a goal and knew how to work for it...(may be the scornful nymphet had her contribution here?)...the fact remains that i DONT! I still see myself singing that animated robotic song..'Main aisa kyun hoon.....'???
Its good to work for a goal, its better and perhaps best to find one and perhaps early in life when u cud divert ur youthful energies towards their consummation...but somehow,down the 25 milestones, may be ive been too caught up with settings things right for others ( many a time screwing it up too!)--well, im no messiah or good samaritan, still---that perhaps ive never thought of helping one person really fervently--MYSELF! May be its too late now or...may be it still isnt? well, told u --confusion and me are siblings:-)Is it good to be confused, clueless, searching ur way through the deep dark jungles of life...? or does it give one a sense of pride, machismo and what nots to be walking steadfast towards Peak 5139(or whatever that was!?)...and once the hero does achieve, then he has adulators going gaga over him...the same abusive father, the ever-comparing mother, the scornful dudette, the dismissive higher-ups...he gets them all...and allz well that ends well..so ultimatley all that people are looking for in life is adulating the achievers and damning the not so fortunate non-achievers? why then squueze that dialogue " tum acche insaan ho..."?? does it pay to be one? does the world care a penny for the "accha insaan" or does it just want it to be "laskhya bhedis"?

well...im confused :-))

Thursday, June 10, 2004

After lots and lots of appointments, re-appointments and cancellations, AM and me finally met up today...! perhaps today was the ONLy day both of us made the earnest effort to see the meet through; cos it was now or never again in the near future...he was leaving Mumbai this eve. after hordes of confusion through the day, finally zeroed in on the evening at barista in the airport..loud music, crazy foreigners, conjested environs..yet a nice tete-a-tete...got the new CF from him that CH had sent along. Looked good at first sight( ofcourse not when i saw a certain snap!)..shud find the time to read it up..( that reminds me..im yet to finish Tuesdays with morrie and begin the Da Vinci code:-(! )...dunno why but the talk with AM left me with a heavy heart; totally disoriented and somewhat disturbed...precisely those topics or those people whom i dont want to discuss or think about, get discussed--rather inadvertently and unintentionally. Each time I've tried to put the past behind me, its come back with an added vengeance. Past haunts and lucky are the ones who dont get haunted or dont let their past lives interfere in the present and future. I for one, do not belong to that priveleged class...and here im not blaming AM or anyone who brings these things back to life--its just genuine concern on their part and even i feel nice while talking abt it..but its only later that i realize its left me with a sour taste...i better stop here...dont wanna get into this loop again!

Last few days have been ones where my date with sleep has been at its worst...hardly a couple of hours a day..and the repurcussions are there to see! Had to get rid of QM and so that was a night-out..once QM was through, it was really GREAT to meet Nivedita in Bombay...have never gotten tired of speaking with her..one power house of mirth and merriment she is! We chatted for nearly 3 hours at McDonalds till the guy there started giving us obvious looks imploring exit:-)Went to the Spicmacay convention at IIT..had planned to attend most of them; but somehow the schedule played spoil sport..managed to steer through the mirky politics of the place and sit through an enchanting evening woven by Pt Shiv Kumar sharma ( the Puriyadhanashree was quite pleasing--though i didnt like him trying his hands at hystrionics just to win applause) and Pt Dinakar Kaikini. the following days were one of really hectic work..all work, no sleep. yet managed to make it to Dr Balamurali krishna's programme despite all the hiccups on the way..at times it felt boring to go all the way alone, with none to share even the appreciation of a certain nuance. but BMK was really good...Abhogi was neat...many fast paced short pieces cud certainly be more elaborated and most importantly wish he spoke more..wonder why Carnatic guyz are so reticent and laconic.

With juniors around, the clock seemed to have come full circle...its been one year..and so much has changed ever since..so many things happened! Here was a new batch of kids with stars in their eyes--some of these wud last, some wud end up as shooting stars..anyway, for now, they HAD to bear our 'hoax parties', all night 'ragda' sessions( a.k.a. ragging), early morning yoga shibirs and what not..none of us seemed to realise that in the bargain we were ragging ourselves the maximum...aah! i still have a heavy head n a rumbling tummy..wish i cud this all away and just sleep sleep sleep..till eternity!

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Friday, June 04, 2004

Its been eons now since ive scribbled here...no excuses i can think of for playing truant.had this nice, short vacation back to Bangalore last month end. Just decided to take a break from this maddening place. Met Srini and Suka a few days back at Bandra and we decided to take our trip down memory lane sitting at bandstand:-)while discussing people i soemtimes get confused or rather lost abt whats the link that makes me know them-were they bitsian, are they from sp jain or from cottons...or wherever..uggh! forget it..im blabbering. Home was so very refreshing. And each time I make a trip home and see the enormous efforts that Ma and Dad put to make my stay as comfortable and enjoyable as possible; at each of those times, i regret at having been so very unfair to them, of not having lived up to the "ideal son" image! May be they feel i have, but i personally dont. And boy! what a hoopla there was on the day thats called as my birthday. as much as i wanted it to be an extremely quiet and introspective day, it turned out to be one garrulous jambooree of odd visitors and acquaintances with cliched wishes and silly claptrap. People whom i expected would call, didnt. But those that i didnt, did. May be thats what life is all abt, eh? SD lit my eve with a bash at Pizza hut..felt so silly after being made to stand on a table there and people around singing the birthday song! and 25 is a nice number. It is, as UN put it, the time when "thinking" starts(??!)..dont know what she meant by that? But somehow multiples of 5 seem like milestones. and it felt nice to have covered one such milestone(not too sure of what all i picked up on the way!), at the same time, not too sure of how many more of these would come my way.Needless to say, i missed someone like never before on this day--right through the day, every minute and in every breath!

We remembered Ajji on the 30th with her departure covering a neat half -year..time flies, but strangely doesnt heal..in my case atleast! Kaku was telling me that after a while these become ritualistic remembrances--like how most of our politicians get remembered...I gave him the wickedest of my looks possible for speaking something so very strange and implausible. To prove that you are iconoclast you neednt always gibber, should u? With the twinkle in his eye, he however said, curse me, but someday u'll realise that im telling you is true..aah! Bloody hell..

Bangalore was one rain filled cold place this May--the coolest May in 100 years or so the newspapers read. Whatever, the rains ensured that i made a last minute diving dramatic entry to the airport just 15 mins before my plane could depart; as usual not being able to give Ma and Dad a tight hug and tell them what they mean to me! Back to the rut ever since.....sleep lagged, worn out, overworked, mechanized, de-sensitised, disillusioned and the whole gamut of things that management education brings with it:-))