Been remembering Ajji all day today..not that I didnt yesterday or the day before or a week back..but somehow the mind refuses to accept that shez not there for me anymore...we keep having our conversations in the dreams; most of them aimed at advising me to get a grip over myself and my loss; only to be rudely interrupted by the morning daylight...how much we've spoken in the past 5 months since she left!! well, blog, its only me who knows how much my heart aches when I cross that lane...can almost see the apparition standing there by the gate amidst the flowering shrubs; with that typical, warm smile...i simply hate to walk past the gate..i'm telling you blog cos the world wouldnt understand...therez a lease period that the world gives us as stipulated for mourning..if you continue beyond that you become nuisance value--people get sick and tired of the pessimistic musings. but hey! im not exactly mourning...im happy for her fortune..but am sad for myself...am sad for the lost charms of ensuing may 27ths and Diwalis et al...strange right? so quickly we get back or rather forced to get back to normal lives, the person in question then becomes a mere photograph hung on a dusty wall...it hurts, makes one feel guilty..but hey, do we have a bloody option?? Dec 13 robbed me of soooooooo many treasures and shouldnt i even feel bad about it, come on, isnt it natural or isnt it my right ? the regrets shall haunt me till my grave--that i'd been rude offlate (had my reasons for that though!), had been quite dispassionate and unconcerned and didnt bother to satisfy her only desire--'Time'--to sit and hear the gibber! Instead, had been chasing mirages-people whom i thought were quintessential for my existence; who occupied my thoughts all the time; for whom i was ready to do anything and luckily now they are the same people who now no longer matter(though they did a mighty deal at that point of time)...is it always when we lose smthing that we realize its worth...months, years, decades would pass and the image of Ajji would perhaps get hazier and hazier.....or would it at all ??
A collection of the random thoughts that surface on and off...
Friday, April 30, 2004
"An Entity is an entity, a Relationship is a relationship" rattles the enlightened RDBMS prof(?)--Relational database management systems for the uninitiated! How very enlightening! And we need to pay a lakh and a half to know just this huh? Indian educational system is somehow such a worthless ROI--Return on Investment. Be it BITS or the IITs or the IIMs or SP Jain, i guess the situation is as abysmal everywhere...the higher the ranking of an institute, the worse it ought to be...will things ever improve or my son or granddaughter is gonna sit in an RDBMS class filling his or her blog this way?? :-)
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Haah! lost my cool today...really gave Lakshmi a nice piece of my mind..later wondered how she'd have taken it..have gotten into this bad habit..get terribly irritated with people and then the ensuing rage seems to know no limits...i end up setting high standards for others and most often than not they fall short and that only heightens my misanthropism(if therez such a word!) ; atleast temporarily..the best way not to get irritated with others is by not associating with them at all...is it that simple?? People keep getting back to you and you need to keep getting back to them and then the whole cycle is revisited again and again:-)
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Just had a word with Pt Hariprasad Chaurasia...though i'd known him pretty well; as i was made his shadow when he visited Bangalore on the spicmacay circuit; there was some sense of unease...despite knowing someone pretty well, i get rather flustered to call someone up..who knows what state of mind the other person would be in; what if he/she gets into this mode of amnesia; what if he/she just bangs the phone on you saying they have better work?? well, call it paranoia or simple delirium..when i cud feel this way for a 'friend' (have still to decide on defining this obscure term!)imagine the butterflies in my stomach, on calling one of India's greatest flautists! But it pleasantly surprised me that he actually remembered me and said 'Haan bete, mujhe yaad hai, aap Bangalore mein airport aaye the mujhe receive karne"..that was a pretty bad day in Bangalore when pandit ji had come..there was curfew in town, bandh et al..if my memory doesnt fail me it was some new development thanks to the brigand veerappan...guess he had kidnapped someone again and there were protests all over...but as they say the show must go on..so, the onus of taking Panditji safely from the airport to his suite in the Oberoi was mine..and as i drove through empty streets; with the lurking fear of some unruly mob emerging from somewhere to stop us mid way--the tension was palpable..it wasnt just abt myself or my life that i was concerned; but of the person sitting behind...humming a tune..chewing on his supari and wilfully and joyously engaging in an interesting conversation with me...he had told me how despite coming from a family of pahalwans it was music that fascinated him and for that he had even eloped from home! It was in the house of a certain Oriya brahmin that he had taken shelter and the rest as they said was history...Pandit ji can really bowl you over by his simplicity, wit and sense of humour..he is someone who could see humour in even the simplest of things..absolutely no airs about himself..it kind of felt i was having a chat with an elder uncle..and he remembered and still remembers as i found out today, the risk i had taken to ferrry him safely that day in Bangalore...strange isnt it..for someone to remember another person whom he met 2 years back; for someone who meet scores of people daily and visits countries as though they were the neighbouring town...! the warmth in his voice really moved me.."kaise yaad kiya",he asked..."well..panditji, we'd be honoured agar aap sp jain mein perform karein..." " Zaroor..usmein kaun si badi baath hai" was the immediate reply..."june end mein rakh lena..date fix karke mujhe batha dena"..Deal done! as simple as it could get! Well, it beats me to think how ont he contrary many of us with absolute nothing to write on the wall or boast about have such bloated egoes about ourselves and our supposed achievements....what a show we make..as they rightly say empty vessels make the most noise..but then here was someone who had every reason to have airs..he has the name, the fame, the respect and an immense knowledge of the art form..yet so simple, so down to earth...wish we all could emulate such values..know that our earthly existence is quite insignificant...we are just a speck in the vast desert sands...that would open up new vistas of achievement and success for us, undoubtedly!
Had not been keeping too well today...and one of the worst things one does while unwell is lie enervated on the bed all day staring aimlessly at the ceiling fan..its just not my cup of tea..thought music would be a better companion. And trust me, have been listening to music like crazy all day..Ravi Shankar, Jasraj, Kishori, Balamuralikrishna, Lalgudi...u name them and i mustve heard atleast one of their compositions through the day!! it always fascinated me to think abt the high levels of creativity and innovativeness that our classical music genres present. an edifice is built from nothingness...the raga progresses slowly--its almost like the growth of a child. I feel tempted to draw this rather strange analogy with a burning incense stick..one that lets out fumes slowly in the beginning and then coughs them up galloppingly, so also the raga grows from its slow alaps to the glittering meander of taana, layakaris and akaras. As i heard one maestro after another, it rather amused me to think of the artifical divide that people have created between the 2 genres of Indian classical music...to me, they are the same...just different sides of the same coin, offsprings of the same mother--the raga. Why do people have to do this with everything--divide everything thats nice, put up one prop against another?? i may be a student of Carnatic music (and a pretty worthless one at that!), but most often than not its the soulful Dhrupad alap jod jhala or a vilambit khayal that moves me as much as perhaps a well done ragam tanam pallavi..wish people had larger hearts!! to me, nothing else takes me on a deeper journey within myself than music...a journey that ends atleast momentarily in vacuum and nothingness..where nobody matters, not even myself; where the earthly squabbles and the sheer mundaneness of our petty diurnal existences simply evanesce...its just the play of the seven notes that matter...something that feeds my soul, literally. How wrong was Shakespeare when he said when music given in excess, 'surfeiting the appetite might sicken and so die'...doesnt happen that way...the more u delve deep into the ocean, the more the pearls you discover and it adds a new element of inquisitiveness to your expedition to seek more... haah! all said and done, im still running a temperature of 103 deg and that could be pretty tiring:-)